The Addicted Narcissist
By: Christine Hammond, LMHC
One of the hardest types of people to deal with is a
narcissist in the middle their addiction. They are completely exhausting. The
combined selfishness of narcissism and addictive behavior is overpowering,
relentless, callous, and frequently abusive. This destructive blend of arrogant
thinking in that they are always right and that they do not have a problem
leads to devastating consequences.
There are many parts to the addicted narcissist and their
road to recovery. The point of this article is to recognize the injurious
behavior so more reasonable expectations can be established during the process
and for the family.
Origins. In both
addicts and narcissists, shame is the common denominator. Stage two of Erik
Erikson’s Psychosocial Development which occurs between 18 months and three
years old has shame as the negative outcome. Not all narcissists or addicts
have trauma during these years, but it can be a good place to begin. Because
there is a strong concurrence, about 50% of narcissists are addicts of some
sort. Some studies suggest that fetal alcohol syndrome in a child is a sign of a
female narcissist.
Enablers. There
are frequently two enablers. One bolsters the ego of the narcissist and one unknowingly
encourages the addiction. The narcissistic enabler minimizes all signs of
addiction and fosters feelings of superiority over others. The addiction
enabler is likewise blind to symptoms of addiction therefore justifying
financially supporting it. Both are needed to maintain the self-image of the
narcissist.
Sometimes, the victim of narcissistic abuse is the sole
enabler. This person naively empowers both behaviors to continue. They have
been told that the addiction is in their minds and they are the one to blame
for it continuing. Saying like these are common. “No one else sees what you are
seeing, you are the crazy one.” “If only you would do…, then I won’t have to…”
The Cycle. The
addiction cycle is comingled with the narcissistic abuse cycle. It begins when
the narcissist feels threatened. They become angry and take out their
frustration on a victim. Sensing resistance from the victim, they retreat to
their addiction. The drug of choice reinforces their idealistic fantasies,
perception of omnipotence, and extravagant schemes. However, this results in
the enablers retreating from the narcissist. Now confused, the narcissistic ego
feels threatened and the cycle repeats.
Step One. The
most difficult step is to get a narcissist to admit to their addiction. This is
the first mandatory step of all addictive recovery which is particularly
problematic for a person who believes they are above others. Not only are they
reluctant to admit there is a problem, but they refuse to allow someone
inferior to point it out. This is why confronting a narcissist about their
addiction usually results in substantial rage.
Rehab. The only
rehab a narcissist willingly attends is an elite facility. Even there, they expect special treatment and
believe the rules are for others. During group counseling sessions, they are
bored and view it as trivial. Sometimes they become intolerant and even abusive
towards staff members. Instead of taking the time to heal, they look for loop
holes in the system, complain about inefficiencies, become single-minded about
insurance/costs, and blame others for having to be at rehab.
Recovery. A narcissist
is unwilling to wait the prescribed time period to see if the recovery is
effective. Instead, they expect immediate results and others to comply fully
with their miraculous healing in a very short time period. Unfortunately,
because the narcissist has grandiose beliefs about self, they rarely learn
during treatment thus making their prognosis poor.
Relapse. It is
not impossible for a narcissist to recover from an addiction. In fact, when
they see it as damaging to their image, they are able to eliminate the addiction
almost instantly and without emotional consequences. However, they do return to
the addictive behavior later as a way to demonstrate they ultimately have power
and control over the drug of choice.
Just because the narcissist feeds off illusions of grandeur,
doesn’t mean the family support system needs to strengthen that belief. A
family can be supportive while having reasonable expectations for the narcissist’s
prognosis. It is far more loving to accept someone within their own limitations
than to insist they become someone they are not.