Having the Hard Conversation: Should I Stay, or Should I Go?

By: Dwight Bain, NCC

Marriage to a loving life partner is one of life’s greatest blessings – but what happens when that marriage appears to be dying? Should you stay and try to work it out – or should you start packing to go? It’s a difficult question but it’s not an impossible one when you know what questions to ask, and how to move from angry conflict back to loving connection. Marriages can heal from an honest conversation guided by a professional on a path of healthy transformation for both partners. You can’t make somebody love you, but you can let go of trying to make them change.

Disclaimer: If you, or someone you care about, is in an abusive relationship these ideas are not for them. Abuse, addiction and continual violations of trust are indicators of marital failure. Please let others know so they can help you break out of the toxic cycle because it takes two safe people working together to heal a relationship. It’s not weakness to ask for help – it’s a sign of strength. You can’t heal a failing marriage alone.

Continual conflict requires a change, perhaps even a separation, to allow each partner to face the reality of their struggling relationship and each take ownership and the responsibility to build new skills. Sadly, many marriages never stop the conflict loop long enough to see if their marriage has any life left in it. A lot of people give up on their partner, file for divorce and move on to find someone new. Florida has one of the highest divorce rates in the United States, perhaps because many relocate thinking gaps in their unhappy marriage will be better in a new place. Moving doesn’t make a marriage better, but finding your voice to express your needs might be the beginning of strengthening the relationship for each partner, or building the confidence to not make the same mistakes in the future.

Couples don’t have a big, beautiful wedding to marry their greatest enemy – there was a loving connection at one point – What happened? Where did the love go? Did I marry the wrong person? Am I part of the problem? If you can’t answer tough questions about why this marriage failed you may end up like the 2/3 of people who divorce, remarry and then quickly divorce and repeat the cycle.

Here’s the problem – marriage to a romantic partner can’t make you happy… because happiness is an internal emotion. It’s based on circumstances, and for some their feeling of unhappiness leads them to move from an unhappy marriage to an expensive divorce.

Listen, divorce doesn’t solve all your problems, divorce gives you different problems. Problems like finances, housing, debt, and a huge impact on every relationship connected to the couple, especially to their children during the divided loyalty of co-parenting. Studies on divorce show a negative impact both to the mental and physical health for both partners. Divorce is the legal ending of a marriage – but when there are shared parenting responsibilities it’s not the end of being around that individual no matter how difficult they may be; along with their parents and extended family, often for decades of shared birthday’s, holidays and graduation with your ex and likely with their new partner.

Divorce is common – Separation is rare. Over 80% of failed marriages will separate prior to the divorce – but it is unknown how many actively work on building new skills to heal the relationship before giving up and waiting for the judge to pronounce splitting their marital assets as their marriage is legally dissolved. Before you ‘lawyer up’ and start a legal battle carefully consider all factors in the relationship. Start by answering these questions -

1.       Can you define your marital problems in a sentence? Could your partner?
2.       Have you and your partner explored all possible solutions to the issues?
3.       What steps have you taken through counseling, marriage mentors or intensives to face and then replace dysfunctional behaviors with healthy ones?
4.       Have you each considered the emotional and financial implications of divorce?
5.       Have you talked about separation as an option to see what might heal and change before starting litigation?

Marital separation can provide clarity and relief for couples struggling with unresolved conflicts, financial strain, or emotional distress. It allows them to evaluate their relationship without the immediate pressure of divorce, offering space for reflection, potential reconciliation, or a smoother transition to independent lives. For those with children, separation can create a structured environment that prioritizes their well-being while minimizing disruption. Additionally, it provides an opportunity to resolve financial and legal matters thoughtfully, reducing future complications. By taking this step with clear intentions, couples can regain control over their circumstances and make informed decisions about their future.

Facing the deep disappointment of a failed marriage is a hard – but necessary conversation. Before you give up – look up – pray for wisdom and voice the need for change. It might shatter the painful past with new hope for the future. It takes a lot of courage, and it’s difficult, so if you need encouragement on where to start, know our team is here to help you find your voice and then make the choice to break out of fear with new courage.