By: Christine Hammond, MS, IMH
If the small stuff like bad test grades, periodic fights with siblings, friendships that come and go, or occasional defiance with food does not faze you as a parent, the tough stuff will. Sometimes it is a gradual progression, sometimes it comes in waves, and sometimes it hits you all at once. Whatever the method, the tough stuff of parenting can catch you off guard and leave you questioning yourself, your family and your child.
Perhaps you are dealing with a child who has uncontrollable anger with outbursts so intense that they say hateful things, are uncharacteristically mean, threaten to harm themselves or others, or physically take their anger out on others. Perhaps you are dealing with a child who stays out all night, comes home acting differently, has questionable friends, lies frequently or displays other signs of potential substance abuse. Perhaps you are dealing with a child who has withdrawn from most social engagements, has no desire to be with any friends, whose grades are slipping, spend most of their time sleeping or has no interest in things they enjoyed before. Or perhaps you are dealing with a child who threatens to commit suicide, has marks on their arms and legs indicating cutting, has lost extreme amounts of weight, or seems to do things to gain excessive amounts of attention. Whichever situation you are dealing with, this is the tough stuff. So what do you do?
Don’t deny. A common philosophy is to blame yourself for your child’s behavior. This is encouraged in psychology with Freudian beliefs, in society where to admit your child has a problem means that there is something wrong with you, and in our own internal thoughts when we rather blame ourselves than to be honest with the situation. While your child’s behavior is at some point their responsibility and choice and not yours, there is something to be said for a little self reflection. What is your child’s behavior telling you? Are they acting angry because you are suppressing anger? Are they demanding attention because they don’t feel loved? Are they withdrawing because they have been hurt by someone they trusted? Be honest with the situation and listen to the clues from your child’s behavior.
Deal with yourself first. Remember the instructions on an airplane, put your own mask first and then help your child. If your teenage child’s two year old temper tantrum is because they feel overwhelmed with all of the expectations placed on them, then look at the expectations that you have placed unnecessarily on them. More importantly, look at why those expectations have been placed. Are you placing expectations on your child that were placed on you? How do you feel about that? Or are you placing expectations that are inconsistent with your child’s talents and abilities just because others do the same to you? Again, be honest with yourself and see your child’s behavior as a reflection of the things you need to address that perhaps you have not addressed.
Do get help. More often than not, parents bring in their child to therapy to deal with their behavior but do not go to therapy to deal with their own behavior. It is so much easier to point the finger at your child and drag them into therapy instead of the dealing with your own issues. Therapy is most effective when the entire family admits that there is a problem and each person deals with their own issues separately and together. Your child will do far better in therapy when they see you doing better because of therapy. Be the example that your child needs and get help for your issues.
Many parents will admit that they need help parenting but few will actually take the first step of getting help. Even fewer will go into therapy for themselves before they send their child however; this is the best method for healing.
----------------------------------------
Reprint Permission- If this article helps you, please share it with your own list at work or church, forward it to friends and family or post it on your own site or blog. Just leave it intact and do not alter it in any way. Any links must remain in the article. Please include the following paragraph in your reprint.
"Reprinted with permission from the LifeWorks Group weekly eNews, (Copyright, 2004-2011), To subscribe to this valuable counseling and coaching resource visit www.LifeWorksGroup.org or call 407-647-7005"
About the author- Chris Hammond is a Registered Mental Health Counselor Intern at LifeWorks Group w/ over 15 years of experience as a counselor, mentor & teacher for children, teenagers & adults.
Monday, March 12, 2012
Monday, March 05, 2012
Growing In Relationships
By: Jennifer Graham, M.S., IMH
The beginning of a relationship is very exciting, so many new things to discover, sweet things that are spoken; it’s really that honeymoon phase like other "well seasoned" folks say it is. Then, that time passes and you get to know the other person more, you still like them, are even crazy about them but some of those "highs" are not as they once were in the beginning of new things.
Consider other areas in life where you have had a similar reaction. Perhaps it’s something simpler like getting a new pair of pants that you love and are excited about. You consider what function you will wear these amazing pants to? Or maybe it is a new piece of technology, new car or new home. So exciting, so cutting edge, so new! Or it might even be a new church, new city and new people you are connecting with - and the experiences bring refreshment and perspective to life and this too is exciting. Regardless of the means of the experience, the "high" is usually evident on some level and it is good for it to be there and its part of the process. Enjoy it for what it is when it is in season!
The reality, however, is that we don't live in the “high,” and that’s how it ebbs and flows in life and it is not an altogether "bad" thing. Still, sometimes when those aspects fade, we attribute it to waning emotions for another. That occurs when we make the foundation of any relationship what we feel about another person. Are emotions a part of relationship? Most certainly, and are a wonderful dynamic to experience! However, there needs to be a constant and consistent thread that relationships are built upon.
Consider further that when the absence of the “high” comes into effect, it can grow us by not catering to our personal selfishness in placing a burden on another person to meet all your personal, emotional, mental, and physical needs. No other person will be ever able to completely satisfy us in such a manner! At this point we are reminded that we were created by God for His pleasure and that we ourselves are fully satisfied in God alone. The bottom line is that you are fully and completely loved by the Creator of the universe because of what Christ has accomplished on your behalf on the cross. We lack for no good thing.
Then we begin to see that God has provided this relationship for a purpose and it goes beyond just enjoying what relationship gives a person. The gift of relationship becomes an avenue of serving and caring for another person, the focus is not on us. We begin to ask ourselves, “What does Christ want to do in this other person’s life and what part do I play in that?” versus “What can I do to please myself? What is in this relationship for me?” And when two people are in an honest and selfless relationship with one another, not only looking to their own interests but the interests of the other, they are humbled and encouraged all at the same time. Relationships really are not rocket science; they are about serving another person in love.
As you grow and mature in relationship you come to realize that the “high” takes different forms throughout the many different seasons that relationships offer. Making decisions together, appreciating the differences and working together in the midst of differences, learning the interests of the other person and participating in them, asking good questions that allow you to always be learning something new about another person. But even beyond the experiences you come to realize that there is a person behind the fresh experiences and fun aspects that new relationships bring, because a relationship in a connection between two people and not the highs and experiences themselves, it’s another opportunity to serve and love another person to the glory of God. Christ wants to ignite within you the passionate desire to share His sacrificial love with a special person.
The beginning of a relationship is very exciting, so many new things to discover, sweet things that are spoken; it’s really that honeymoon phase like other "well seasoned" folks say it is. Then, that time passes and you get to know the other person more, you still like them, are even crazy about them but some of those "highs" are not as they once were in the beginning of new things.
Consider other areas in life where you have had a similar reaction. Perhaps it’s something simpler like getting a new pair of pants that you love and are excited about. You consider what function you will wear these amazing pants to? Or maybe it is a new piece of technology, new car or new home. So exciting, so cutting edge, so new! Or it might even be a new church, new city and new people you are connecting with - and the experiences bring refreshment and perspective to life and this too is exciting. Regardless of the means of the experience, the "high" is usually evident on some level and it is good for it to be there and its part of the process. Enjoy it for what it is when it is in season!
The reality, however, is that we don't live in the “high,” and that’s how it ebbs and flows in life and it is not an altogether "bad" thing. Still, sometimes when those aspects fade, we attribute it to waning emotions for another. That occurs when we make the foundation of any relationship what we feel about another person. Are emotions a part of relationship? Most certainly, and are a wonderful dynamic to experience! However, there needs to be a constant and consistent thread that relationships are built upon.
Consider further that when the absence of the “high” comes into effect, it can grow us by not catering to our personal selfishness in placing a burden on another person to meet all your personal, emotional, mental, and physical needs. No other person will be ever able to completely satisfy us in such a manner! At this point we are reminded that we were created by God for His pleasure and that we ourselves are fully satisfied in God alone. The bottom line is that you are fully and completely loved by the Creator of the universe because of what Christ has accomplished on your behalf on the cross. We lack for no good thing.
Then we begin to see that God has provided this relationship for a purpose and it goes beyond just enjoying what relationship gives a person. The gift of relationship becomes an avenue of serving and caring for another person, the focus is not on us. We begin to ask ourselves, “What does Christ want to do in this other person’s life and what part do I play in that?” versus “What can I do to please myself? What is in this relationship for me?” And when two people are in an honest and selfless relationship with one another, not only looking to their own interests but the interests of the other, they are humbled and encouraged all at the same time. Relationships really are not rocket science; they are about serving another person in love.
As you grow and mature in relationship you come to realize that the “high” takes different forms throughout the many different seasons that relationships offer. Making decisions together, appreciating the differences and working together in the midst of differences, learning the interests of the other person and participating in them, asking good questions that allow you to always be learning something new about another person. But even beyond the experiences you come to realize that there is a person behind the fresh experiences and fun aspects that new relationships bring, because a relationship in a connection between two people and not the highs and experiences themselves, it’s another opportunity to serve and love another person to the glory of God. Christ wants to ignite within you the passionate desire to share His sacrificial love with a special person.
Monday, February 20, 2012
How to Explain Death to a Child
By Christine Hammond, MS, IMH
One of the hardest realities to explain to a child is death especially when it is the death of a parent, sibling, beloved grandparent, close friend or even a favorite pet. As a parent, you try to protect your child from things that might harm them or protect them from things that are too difficult to understand for their age but unfortunately sometimes this is not possible. When you are faced with the reality that you need to have a conversation with your child about death, keep the following ideas in mind.
Don’t lie. Whatever you do say, make sure that you are completely honest with your child. Telling them that a person went to sleep for a long time does not help them and can confuse them later when they do find out the truth. Don’t say anything that would cause your relationship with your child to be in jeopardy later because of a lie, even if it is just a little white lie.
Keep it simple. Long winded explanations may make you feel better but a child will only hear the first couple of sentences. Remember the teacher on Charlie Brown and how the kids just tuned her out? You don’t want your child to turn you out during a difficult conversation so be clear and simple when you start.
Answer only the question they ask. As a parent, you may be tempted to reinterpret your child’s question or answer more then they ask. Resist the urge and instead repeat the question they ask for clarity by saying, “You want to know…” followed by their question. If they say yes, then answer it simply; if they say no than ask them to ask a different question.
Don’t expect an emotional response. Children need more time than adults to process what has happened because this is a new experience for them. So if your child seems unemotional at first, don’t worry, just give them time to process what has happened. Your child may also have inappropriate emotional responses such as laughing instead of crying; allow them the freedom to respond as they know how. They may be laughing because that is the only way they know of releasing the stress and tension they feel.
Explain as often as requested. You may find that your child comes back to you several hours or days later with the exact same set of questions they asked at first. They are doing this to process better what has happened and refusing to answer a question because you have already answered it is not helpful. Rather, be consistent with your responses and answer the same question in the same manner. Again resist the temptation to over explain, they are not asking the same question because they need more clarity, they are just trying to understand.
Invite them to ask more questions in the future. As your child ages and has more experience to draw from, they may have additional harder questions later. While they may have seemed like they are processing the grief well shortly after the death, problems may surface several years later as they learn more about life. Look out for disruptive behavior at school, defiant behavior at home, or destructive behavior with friends as warning signs that your child may have more grief to process.
Get help not only for your child but for you as well. Grief of close family members can take well over a year to process for adults. For children, they seem to postpone aspects of their grief for later and sometimes it is not fully processed until they are adults. As a parent, you need to get help so that you can better help your child first by example and next by experience. Your child will be far more likely to ask for help in a productive rather than destructive manner if they have witnessed you asking for help. The idea of being strong for your child and not getting help may be counterproductive for your child who may feel weak compared to you.
It is a tough to have a conversation with your child about death. Before you begin, pray and ask for the right words to say then review the above suggestions rehearsing answers to some of the anticipated questions. But if your child is resistant to the conversation, don’t force it on your time table but rather be patient and sensitive to their time table. This will go a long way in strengthening your relationship with your child.
------------------
Reprint Permission- If this article helps you, please share it with your own list at work or church, forward it to friends and family or post it on your own site or blog. Just leave it intact and do not alter it in any way. Any links must remain in the article. Please include the following paragraph in your reprint.
"Reprinted with permission from the LifeWorks Group weekly eNews, (Copyright, 2004-2011), To subscribe to this valuable counseling and coaching resource visit www.LifeWorksGroup.org or call 407-647-7005"
About the author- Chris Hammond is a Registered Mental Health Counselor Intern at LifeWorks Group w/ over 15 years of experience as a counselor, mentor & teacher for children, teenagers & adults.
One of the hardest realities to explain to a child is death especially when it is the death of a parent, sibling, beloved grandparent, close friend or even a favorite pet. As a parent, you try to protect your child from things that might harm them or protect them from things that are too difficult to understand for their age but unfortunately sometimes this is not possible. When you are faced with the reality that you need to have a conversation with your child about death, keep the following ideas in mind.
Don’t lie. Whatever you do say, make sure that you are completely honest with your child. Telling them that a person went to sleep for a long time does not help them and can confuse them later when they do find out the truth. Don’t say anything that would cause your relationship with your child to be in jeopardy later because of a lie, even if it is just a little white lie.
Keep it simple. Long winded explanations may make you feel better but a child will only hear the first couple of sentences. Remember the teacher on Charlie Brown and how the kids just tuned her out? You don’t want your child to turn you out during a difficult conversation so be clear and simple when you start.
Answer only the question they ask. As a parent, you may be tempted to reinterpret your child’s question or answer more then they ask. Resist the urge and instead repeat the question they ask for clarity by saying, “You want to know…” followed by their question. If they say yes, then answer it simply; if they say no than ask them to ask a different question.
Don’t expect an emotional response. Children need more time than adults to process what has happened because this is a new experience for them. So if your child seems unemotional at first, don’t worry, just give them time to process what has happened. Your child may also have inappropriate emotional responses such as laughing instead of crying; allow them the freedom to respond as they know how. They may be laughing because that is the only way they know of releasing the stress and tension they feel.
Explain as often as requested. You may find that your child comes back to you several hours or days later with the exact same set of questions they asked at first. They are doing this to process better what has happened and refusing to answer a question because you have already answered it is not helpful. Rather, be consistent with your responses and answer the same question in the same manner. Again resist the temptation to over explain, they are not asking the same question because they need more clarity, they are just trying to understand.
Invite them to ask more questions in the future. As your child ages and has more experience to draw from, they may have additional harder questions later. While they may have seemed like they are processing the grief well shortly after the death, problems may surface several years later as they learn more about life. Look out for disruptive behavior at school, defiant behavior at home, or destructive behavior with friends as warning signs that your child may have more grief to process.
Get help not only for your child but for you as well. Grief of close family members can take well over a year to process for adults. For children, they seem to postpone aspects of their grief for later and sometimes it is not fully processed until they are adults. As a parent, you need to get help so that you can better help your child first by example and next by experience. Your child will be far more likely to ask for help in a productive rather than destructive manner if they have witnessed you asking for help. The idea of being strong for your child and not getting help may be counterproductive for your child who may feel weak compared to you.
It is a tough to have a conversation with your child about death. Before you begin, pray and ask for the right words to say then review the above suggestions rehearsing answers to some of the anticipated questions. But if your child is resistant to the conversation, don’t force it on your time table but rather be patient and sensitive to their time table. This will go a long way in strengthening your relationship with your child.
------------------
Reprint Permission- If this article helps you, please share it with your own list at work or church, forward it to friends and family or post it on your own site or blog. Just leave it intact and do not alter it in any way. Any links must remain in the article. Please include the following paragraph in your reprint.
"Reprinted with permission from the LifeWorks Group weekly eNews, (Copyright, 2004-2011), To subscribe to this valuable counseling and coaching resource visit www.LifeWorksGroup.org or call 407-647-7005"
About the author- Chris Hammond is a Registered Mental Health Counselor Intern at LifeWorks Group w/ over 15 years of experience as a counselor, mentor & teacher for children, teenagers & adults.
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Dr. Mark Laaser's 12 Hidden Signs of Male Sex Offenders
1. Is a loner, has no accountability, meaning that he has no one who really knows his struggles. He may have hundreds of friends but no intimate relationships. He doesn’t’ know how to share his feelings and needs in healthy ways (Accountability Principle #2).
2. Spends “special” time with certain people (boys). He takes them on special outings or to special events. Engages in horseplay or any opportunity to touch the boys.
3. Outwardly he is seen touching them, not publicly inappropriately, and touching them often.
4. He is charismatic and very likeable. Therefore, everyone has a very hard time believing that he is doing “awful” things.
5. Uses his charm to form special relationships. He seems more friendly with certain boys than a grownup should be.
6. Gives out his private phone number. Meets at strange times.
7. Uses sexual humor or teasing.
8. Women might experience him as angry. This is because he has a great deal of repressed anger at women. Men experience him as a good old boy.
9. So likeable that there is a broad level of systemic denial. “How could such a man do anything like that?”
10. Certain boys seem suddenly to be more reserved, even depressed.
11. The system of boys “knows” that stuff is going on but is embarrassed to talk about it to grownups. Every one of the group “knows” that there is something weird or different about the man. The system learns to avoid him.
12. The whole system, including sometimes parents, get pulled into the problem because to them it seems so “wonderful” that such a great man is willing to spend special time with some of the boys. A systematic denial develops because it is so hard to believe that such a good guy could do such things.
2. Spends “special” time with certain people (boys). He takes them on special outings or to special events. Engages in horseplay or any opportunity to touch the boys.
3. Outwardly he is seen touching them, not publicly inappropriately, and touching them often.
4. He is charismatic and very likeable. Therefore, everyone has a very hard time believing that he is doing “awful” things.
5. Uses his charm to form special relationships. He seems more friendly with certain boys than a grownup should be.
6. Gives out his private phone number. Meets at strange times.
7. Uses sexual humor or teasing.
8. Women might experience him as angry. This is because he has a great deal of repressed anger at women. Men experience him as a good old boy.
9. So likeable that there is a broad level of systemic denial. “How could such a man do anything like that?”
10. Certain boys seem suddenly to be more reserved, even depressed.
11. The system of boys “knows” that stuff is going on but is embarrassed to talk about it to grownups. Every one of the group “knows” that there is something weird or different about the man. The system learns to avoid him.
12. The whole system, including sometimes parents, get pulled into the problem because to them it seems so “wonderful” that such a great man is willing to spend special time with some of the boys. A systematic denial develops because it is so hard to believe that such a good guy could do such things.
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Big Lessons from the Loss of a Big Tree
By Dwight Bain
The Big Tree burned up last week and I’m still sad. A mysterious fire brought down of one of the world's oldest cypress trees, estimated to be 3,500 years old. The 118-foot-tall bald cypress was the fifth largest tree in the world… but it’s gone now. The fire investigators believe that a fire was sparked in a hollow part of the tree, so it slowly burned up from the inside out. By the time fire fighters were called to save one of the oldest trees in North America – it was too late.
Hearing the news of a landmark I first visited as a child made me feel sad, but it also reminded me of how often people do the same thing. Think about it for a minute. How many times do you see someone who has a great career, but then they self-destruct from the inside-out. Dr. David Uth describes it this way, “You never see the fall in a person’s life – you only see the crash.” Because we can’t see what is burning in people’s lives there is a tendency to believe they are doing well when in fact there are two dangerous emotional reactions we need to be aware of... emotions that can destroy everything good.
Burning up –
This dangerous behavior is easy to spot. Someone is angry, moody and irritable all the time. When someone is burning up with emotion they need a healthy way to vent, so these toxic emotions don’t get dumped on the people they love the most.
Burning in –
This is the slow-burn, like the one that destroyed the Big Tree. Resentment, bitterness or revenge are common emotions that slowly burn inside of a person, and eventually can destroy them and the relationships they cherish at home, or work.
So how can you manage these intense emotions without destroying yourself- or others? A better approach is to remember the words of King David in Psalm 34…”This poor man cried out, and the Lord heard him and delivered him from all his fears.” When you learn to voice the emotional pressure you feel, it can be pointed toward productive behavior, and can bring much good. (Much like a fire in a fireplace can warm, comfort and soothe a person.) How can you express emotions without dumping a “Fire” onto others?
1. Pray it-
Taking your fears, frustrations, anger and hurt directly to God is the single best way to manage major emotions. Little children learn to take their burdens to God, so they don’t have to carry them alone. As adults we can do the same thing.
2. Write it-
Expressing painful emotions on paper is a simple way to relieve pressure. The odd thing is that it’s so simple most people won’t take time to do it. When you take a pen and paper and just vent out the frustrations you now can actually ‘see’ more of the problem, so it’s easier to sort through your options and find a solution.
3. Talk it-
Finding a trusted friend, pastor or counselor to talk through issues is another positive way to manage major emotions. It’s also a safe way to sort through the best way to respond to protect the relationship- instead of letting pressure build up that will ultimately destroy it.
4. Read it-
To spend time in God’s word studying the biblical response to managing emotions is another positive way to sort through the normal emotional pressures we all feel. Small children can learn from simple stories that show how to deal with others, (like “Veggie Tales), and adults can benefit from the insights of popular authors who focus on counseling themes. Reading to gain new skills is another way to seek out new options to manage major emotions. Remember – you always have options.
Do you see the difference? To let pressure build up inside can lead to the dangerous situation of a tiny spark igniting a major fire of emotion. Wisdom is to keep the risk of internal fires away by spending time in healthy skill development, instead of continually being at risk for a major burn.
The relationships in your life are important… protect them by keeping the risk of fire away. Every step you take and every skill you develop will protect the beauty of God’s design for you, and those you care about.
-----------------------------
About the author: Dwight Bain is dedicated to helping people achieve greater results. He is a Nationally Certified Counselor and Certified Life Coach in practice since 1984 with a primary focus on solving crisis events and managing major change. He partners with the media, major corporations and non-profit organizations to make a positive difference in our culture. Access more counseling and coaching resources designed to save you time by solving stressful situations by visiting his life management blog with over 400 complimentary articles and special reports at www.LifeWorksGroup.org
The Big Tree burned up last week and I’m still sad. A mysterious fire brought down of one of the world's oldest cypress trees, estimated to be 3,500 years old. The 118-foot-tall bald cypress was the fifth largest tree in the world… but it’s gone now. The fire investigators believe that a fire was sparked in a hollow part of the tree, so it slowly burned up from the inside out. By the time fire fighters were called to save one of the oldest trees in North America – it was too late.
Hearing the news of a landmark I first visited as a child made me feel sad, but it also reminded me of how often people do the same thing. Think about it for a minute. How many times do you see someone who has a great career, but then they self-destruct from the inside-out. Dr. David Uth describes it this way, “You never see the fall in a person’s life – you only see the crash.” Because we can’t see what is burning in people’s lives there is a tendency to believe they are doing well when in fact there are two dangerous emotional reactions we need to be aware of... emotions that can destroy everything good.
Burning up –
This dangerous behavior is easy to spot. Someone is angry, moody and irritable all the time. When someone is burning up with emotion they need a healthy way to vent, so these toxic emotions don’t get dumped on the people they love the most.
Burning in –
This is the slow-burn, like the one that destroyed the Big Tree. Resentment, bitterness or revenge are common emotions that slowly burn inside of a person, and eventually can destroy them and the relationships they cherish at home, or work.
So how can you manage these intense emotions without destroying yourself- or others? A better approach is to remember the words of King David in Psalm 34…”This poor man cried out, and the Lord heard him and delivered him from all his fears.” When you learn to voice the emotional pressure you feel, it can be pointed toward productive behavior, and can bring much good. (Much like a fire in a fireplace can warm, comfort and soothe a person.) How can you express emotions without dumping a “Fire” onto others?
1. Pray it-
Taking your fears, frustrations, anger and hurt directly to God is the single best way to manage major emotions. Little children learn to take their burdens to God, so they don’t have to carry them alone. As adults we can do the same thing.
2. Write it-
Expressing painful emotions on paper is a simple way to relieve pressure. The odd thing is that it’s so simple most people won’t take time to do it. When you take a pen and paper and just vent out the frustrations you now can actually ‘see’ more of the problem, so it’s easier to sort through your options and find a solution.
3. Talk it-
Finding a trusted friend, pastor or counselor to talk through issues is another positive way to manage major emotions. It’s also a safe way to sort through the best way to respond to protect the relationship- instead of letting pressure build up that will ultimately destroy it.
4. Read it-
To spend time in God’s word studying the biblical response to managing emotions is another positive way to sort through the normal emotional pressures we all feel. Small children can learn from simple stories that show how to deal with others, (like “Veggie Tales), and adults can benefit from the insights of popular authors who focus on counseling themes. Reading to gain new skills is another way to seek out new options to manage major emotions. Remember – you always have options.
Do you see the difference? To let pressure build up inside can lead to the dangerous situation of a tiny spark igniting a major fire of emotion. Wisdom is to keep the risk of internal fires away by spending time in healthy skill development, instead of continually being at risk for a major burn.
The relationships in your life are important… protect them by keeping the risk of fire away. Every step you take and every skill you develop will protect the beauty of God’s design for you, and those you care about.
-----------------------------
About the author: Dwight Bain is dedicated to helping people achieve greater results. He is a Nationally Certified Counselor and Certified Life Coach in practice since 1984 with a primary focus on solving crisis events and managing major change. He partners with the media, major corporations and non-profit organizations to make a positive difference in our culture. Access more counseling and coaching resources designed to save you time by solving stressful situations by visiting his life management blog with over 400 complimentary articles and special reports at www.LifeWorksGroup.org
Thursday, February 02, 2012
2012 – The End of the World?
2012 is projected by some to be the year that the world ends; and Christian Coach Dwight Bain hopes they are correct… to a degree.
If people are stuck in habits and routines of the past then Bain says they should live every day as if it was their last... to maximize the moments and make a positive difference for Christ.
Bain has identified the top trends in 2012 that will affect the Baby-Boomer generation, their families, businesses or ministries.
More importantly how you can benefit from making some little changes to achieve big results in this year so that you maximize your potential and experience greater success. These are the top 5 areas that will radically change this year and never be the same:
1. Digital Technology increase across all generations, especially seniors, (Kindle, iPad, mobile banking, DVR, texting)
2. Healthy lifestyles to avoid health crisis and nursing care, (organic everything, gardens, bankruptcy of “Twinkies” parent company – Hostess)
3. Personal Economy focus more than worrying about the national economy with people focusing on saving over spending, (greater gap between those with financial stability and those in financial crisis)
4. Families are re-structured with Grandparents heavily involved in parenting grandkids, single parent homes increase and women being more empowered to confront issues instead of waiting on a passive husband to get involved
5. Spirituality over traditional Church membership, (deep search for God, just not on Sunday morning, more people open to discussion about faith but not religion)
No matter what the year brings, meditate on this scripture…
“Many are the plans in a man’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.”
~ Proverbs19:21
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Bio- Dwight Bain has dedicated his life to guide people toward greater results as an Author, Nationally Certified Counselor, Certified Life Coach and Family Law Mediator in practice since 1984. He has been interviewed by hundreds of radio stations and quoted in the New York Times, Chicago Tribune, Miami Herald, Atlanta Journal, MSNBC.com and FoxBusiness.com. Bain has spoken to over 3,000 groups on the topic of making strategic change to overcome major stress. He is passionate about positive growth and is quoted in over 30 books
If people are stuck in habits and routines of the past then Bain says they should live every day as if it was their last... to maximize the moments and make a positive difference for Christ.
Bain has identified the top trends in 2012 that will affect the Baby-Boomer generation, their families, businesses or ministries.
More importantly how you can benefit from making some little changes to achieve big results in this year so that you maximize your potential and experience greater success. These are the top 5 areas that will radically change this year and never be the same:
1. Digital Technology increase across all generations, especially seniors, (Kindle, iPad, mobile banking, DVR, texting)
2. Healthy lifestyles to avoid health crisis and nursing care, (organic everything, gardens, bankruptcy of “Twinkies” parent company – Hostess)
3. Personal Economy focus more than worrying about the national economy with people focusing on saving over spending, (greater gap between those with financial stability and those in financial crisis)
4. Families are re-structured with Grandparents heavily involved in parenting grandkids, single parent homes increase and women being more empowered to confront issues instead of waiting on a passive husband to get involved
5. Spirituality over traditional Church membership, (deep search for God, just not on Sunday morning, more people open to discussion about faith but not religion)
No matter what the year brings, meditate on this scripture…
“Many are the plans in a man’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.”
~ Proverbs19:21
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Bio- Dwight Bain has dedicated his life to guide people toward greater results as an Author, Nationally Certified Counselor, Certified Life Coach and Family Law Mediator in practice since 1984. He has been interviewed by hundreds of radio stations and quoted in the New York Times, Chicago Tribune, Miami Herald, Atlanta Journal, MSNBC.com and FoxBusiness.com. Bain has spoken to over 3,000 groups on the topic of making strategic change to overcome major stress. He is passionate about positive growth and is quoted in over 30 books
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Motive Based Coaching is the Key to Winning at Work
By Dwight Bain
“What does it take to win at work?”
People have asked me that question dozens of times after a keynote speech or radio talk show. They wanted to know the action to take to build a successful life instead of being trapped in long term failure. It's a great question, but since every person faces different challenges there isn't a 100% specific answer that works for every person. A better approach is to focus on the real source of motivation by exploring the underlying motives.
When you discover the motive behind why you want to win at work you will be on track to shaping a strategic approach to speed toward accomplishing goals and avoiding distractions that lead to failure. Here are some key coaching questions to ask yourself-
· Do you want to win at work to deepen your resume to advance your career?
· Does success at work mean making more money to bring home to your family?
· Does career success give you personal meaning and fulfillment?
· Does winning bring you a sense of satisfaction by proving you are the best?
Greater professional success usually gives a person much greater options in their personal life because increased income brings the flexibility to solve problems and control schedules by delegation. Outsourcing to save time and money is a wise use of resources. However, working harder to gain greater self-esteem is a dangerous motivator because it takes major sacrifices of time and energy and can often become a ‘black hole’ of busy activity leading to workaholism.
Career burnout is from an attempt to fill up deep emotional insecurity through aggressive professional activity. Burnout won’t lead to professional success, and sadly is incredibly common among people who haven’t seen the importance of mapping out a realistic career coaching plan to win at work, without losing at home.
Finding the Energy for Career Success
So how do you stay motivated to achieve greater career success? Start by dealing with your core values, which can be identified through mapping out your internal motives, since motives lead to motivation.
Here are key areas I use to inspire business professionals I've coached to stay focused to win at work while feeling greater energy and fulfillment in the process.
1) Insight
There is a scripture verse I was taught to pray every day, "If any many lacks wisdom let him ask God and it will be given to him.” (James 1:5). If you know that you don’t know the answers, then asking for God’s direction is a wise use of time. Generating insight by asking God to reveal your special gifts and natural ability, regardless of how much you may feel like you are struggling. Everyone has talent and ability at something. It takes insight to see it and then it takes courage to stay focused to light the fire of desire in your heart, especially when you may feel like giving up. This career coaching approach could begin with some of the people close to you, like a marriage partner, family member or trusted friend because they already know so much about your personality, character, motivation and inner-drives. Asking many questions to gain greater insight will protect against impulsive choices, and insure a greater likelihood of success, so don't be afraid to ask too many questions, but do be afraid to stay silent on this important element.
2) Interests
One you know your gifts, talents, abilities and skills, the next step is to see how those unique gifts could be transferred into something so incredibly interesting that you want to show up and learn more about it every day. There is an old saying that the curious are never bored, which is true. When you are inspired about pursuing something extremely interesting you lose all track of time because you find it so fascinating. Linking your interests with greater insight leads to the next part of the process to win at work.
3) Important
Once you get inspired to pursue the aspects of your job or career calling that are most interesting, the next element to stir up personal motivation is to discover what is most important. What is valuable to you? What has great meaning? What activities or organizations do believe strongly in? Everyone believes in something yet many of us haven’t taken time to explore and discover the core motives that fuel our motivation to create positive change.
Now that you have mapped out the key areas that motivate people you are ready for the final stage.
4) Identity
When people figure who they are, and what they enjoy doing, they are on track to live out their purpose and have more fun in the process! Perhaps the huge success of many work related reality TV shows, (like American Idol), are because they reveal what many people secretly would like their daily work experience to be - a place that allows them to utilize their creative abilities in an environment that rewards taking big risks to achieve greater results. It’s not hard to stay motivated when you know why you are going to work and it’s not hard to stay in the race to win either. In fact, it makes it easy to move from a fear of failure to moving forward with a new dedication to finish strong!
Now you have the basic career coaching strategies needed to win at work. Yet, even with these insights many people are afraid to try and often give up on the belief that they could have a better life by moving from what I call their ‘day job’ over to fully experiencing their ‘dream job’. Why do they lack career confidence? Why are they still likely to fail? Here are the hidden motivations that most often lead to losing at work.
Fearful
Times are tough and many people are afraid about what the economy will do in the future, in fact they can become so frozen in fear they are afraid to try. It’s normal to feel afraid, yet when you are overwhelmed with fear it can often lead to becoming indecisive and totally ‘zoning out.’ Since running away from reality feels easier than facing it for some people they chose to stick their head in the sand and completely deny what’s happening to their industry, (think about how Blockbuster Video failed to make strategic changes with their customers and eventually filed for bankruptcy protection, while competitor organizations like NetFlix and Red Box were thriving).
Some people do this in a passive way and just slowly sink, while others try to avoid reality by using substances or media to escape. Avoiding major change by hiding in fear will lead to a major crisis. Being aware of these dangers and opening up the conversation will help you to ask tough questions to protect yourself when heading toward a dangerous situation.
Frustrated
This could include marriage partners or coworkers connected to people who are already losing at work, but it’s really more about you. Think about the times you were trying, but it’s just didn't come together. You know you want to finish strong and have a meaningful career, but you feel like you lack the horsepower to really pull out in front of the crowd. When frustration builds up it puts you at great risk, because you face a tough choice. Finish with mediocre results and risk getting laid off or downsized to try again at the next job; or just check out to avoid feeling the pain of not performing to your potential and quit. I’ve especially seen this with highly creative or bright coaching clients who procrastinated until the last minute and then couldn’t finish projects assigned to them. Their frustration often comes out as anger directed toward the closest person to them. It’s not fair, but it happens because they let the frustration take over, which blocks their ability to win at work.
Failing
Sadly this type of unmotivated person is the easiest to spot because they checked out a long time ago. When someone has reached this level they are so unmotivated they give up on even trying at the most basic of tasks so their resume just reflects a ‘free fall’ down to zero. They totally and completely fail, which crushes their confidence and for many it kills the desire to try again; which leads many coaching clients to give up completely and just drop out on the idea that a meaningful career was ever even a possibility for them. They are too depleted to even believe that God’s promise spoken through the prophet Jeremiah, ‘Call to Me, and I will answer you, and show you great and mighty things, which you do not know.’ (Jeremiah 33:3) is still available to them.
I challenge you to face your fears, frustrations and the fear of failing with words of encouragement from God's word. If you take time out daily to meditate on the Bible I believe it will guide you from fear to greater faith by identifying their core motives, and then translating that into the powerful motivation needed to win at work.
You are stronger than you think, but just in case you are feeling beat up by life, listen to the words of Moses in Exodus 14 as a final challenge when feeling unmotivated or scared about your career; “Do not be afraid. Stand still, and see the salvation of the LORD, which He will accomplish for you today...The LORD will fight for you!"
---------------------
About the author- Dwight Bain is dedicated to helping people achieve greater results. He is the Executive Director of the International Christian Coaching Association, (ICCA), a Certified Life Coach and Nationally Certified Counselor in practice since 1984 at the LifeWorks Group in Orlando, (www.Lifeworksgroup.org) with a primary focus on solving crisis events and managing major change. Stay connected with him on social media at www.linkedin.com/in/dwightbain
“What does it take to win at work?”
People have asked me that question dozens of times after a keynote speech or radio talk show. They wanted to know the action to take to build a successful life instead of being trapped in long term failure. It's a great question, but since every person faces different challenges there isn't a 100% specific answer that works for every person. A better approach is to focus on the real source of motivation by exploring the underlying motives.
When you discover the motive behind why you want to win at work you will be on track to shaping a strategic approach to speed toward accomplishing goals and avoiding distractions that lead to failure. Here are some key coaching questions to ask yourself-
· Do you want to win at work to deepen your resume to advance your career?
· Does success at work mean making more money to bring home to your family?
· Does career success give you personal meaning and fulfillment?
· Does winning bring you a sense of satisfaction by proving you are the best?
Greater professional success usually gives a person much greater options in their personal life because increased income brings the flexibility to solve problems and control schedules by delegation. Outsourcing to save time and money is a wise use of resources. However, working harder to gain greater self-esteem is a dangerous motivator because it takes major sacrifices of time and energy and can often become a ‘black hole’ of busy activity leading to workaholism.
Career burnout is from an attempt to fill up deep emotional insecurity through aggressive professional activity. Burnout won’t lead to professional success, and sadly is incredibly common among people who haven’t seen the importance of mapping out a realistic career coaching plan to win at work, without losing at home.
Finding the Energy for Career Success
So how do you stay motivated to achieve greater career success? Start by dealing with your core values, which can be identified through mapping out your internal motives, since motives lead to motivation.
Here are key areas I use to inspire business professionals I've coached to stay focused to win at work while feeling greater energy and fulfillment in the process.
1) Insight
There is a scripture verse I was taught to pray every day, "If any many lacks wisdom let him ask God and it will be given to him.” (James 1:5). If you know that you don’t know the answers, then asking for God’s direction is a wise use of time. Generating insight by asking God to reveal your special gifts and natural ability, regardless of how much you may feel like you are struggling. Everyone has talent and ability at something. It takes insight to see it and then it takes courage to stay focused to light the fire of desire in your heart, especially when you may feel like giving up. This career coaching approach could begin with some of the people close to you, like a marriage partner, family member or trusted friend because they already know so much about your personality, character, motivation and inner-drives. Asking many questions to gain greater insight will protect against impulsive choices, and insure a greater likelihood of success, so don't be afraid to ask too many questions, but do be afraid to stay silent on this important element.
2) Interests
One you know your gifts, talents, abilities and skills, the next step is to see how those unique gifts could be transferred into something so incredibly interesting that you want to show up and learn more about it every day. There is an old saying that the curious are never bored, which is true. When you are inspired about pursuing something extremely interesting you lose all track of time because you find it so fascinating. Linking your interests with greater insight leads to the next part of the process to win at work.
3) Important
Once you get inspired to pursue the aspects of your job or career calling that are most interesting, the next element to stir up personal motivation is to discover what is most important. What is valuable to you? What has great meaning? What activities or organizations do believe strongly in? Everyone believes in something yet many of us haven’t taken time to explore and discover the core motives that fuel our motivation to create positive change.
Now that you have mapped out the key areas that motivate people you are ready for the final stage.
4) Identity
When people figure who they are, and what they enjoy doing, they are on track to live out their purpose and have more fun in the process! Perhaps the huge success of many work related reality TV shows, (like American Idol), are because they reveal what many people secretly would like their daily work experience to be - a place that allows them to utilize their creative abilities in an environment that rewards taking big risks to achieve greater results. It’s not hard to stay motivated when you know why you are going to work and it’s not hard to stay in the race to win either. In fact, it makes it easy to move from a fear of failure to moving forward with a new dedication to finish strong!
Now you have the basic career coaching strategies needed to win at work. Yet, even with these insights many people are afraid to try and often give up on the belief that they could have a better life by moving from what I call their ‘day job’ over to fully experiencing their ‘dream job’. Why do they lack career confidence? Why are they still likely to fail? Here are the hidden motivations that most often lead to losing at work.
Fearful
Times are tough and many people are afraid about what the economy will do in the future, in fact they can become so frozen in fear they are afraid to try. It’s normal to feel afraid, yet when you are overwhelmed with fear it can often lead to becoming indecisive and totally ‘zoning out.’ Since running away from reality feels easier than facing it for some people they chose to stick their head in the sand and completely deny what’s happening to their industry, (think about how Blockbuster Video failed to make strategic changes with their customers and eventually filed for bankruptcy protection, while competitor organizations like NetFlix and Red Box were thriving).
Some people do this in a passive way and just slowly sink, while others try to avoid reality by using substances or media to escape. Avoiding major change by hiding in fear will lead to a major crisis. Being aware of these dangers and opening up the conversation will help you to ask tough questions to protect yourself when heading toward a dangerous situation.
Frustrated
This could include marriage partners or coworkers connected to people who are already losing at work, but it’s really more about you. Think about the times you were trying, but it’s just didn't come together. You know you want to finish strong and have a meaningful career, but you feel like you lack the horsepower to really pull out in front of the crowd. When frustration builds up it puts you at great risk, because you face a tough choice. Finish with mediocre results and risk getting laid off or downsized to try again at the next job; or just check out to avoid feeling the pain of not performing to your potential and quit. I’ve especially seen this with highly creative or bright coaching clients who procrastinated until the last minute and then couldn’t finish projects assigned to them. Their frustration often comes out as anger directed toward the closest person to them. It’s not fair, but it happens because they let the frustration take over, which blocks their ability to win at work.
Failing
Sadly this type of unmotivated person is the easiest to spot because they checked out a long time ago. When someone has reached this level they are so unmotivated they give up on even trying at the most basic of tasks so their resume just reflects a ‘free fall’ down to zero. They totally and completely fail, which crushes their confidence and for many it kills the desire to try again; which leads many coaching clients to give up completely and just drop out on the idea that a meaningful career was ever even a possibility for them. They are too depleted to even believe that God’s promise spoken through the prophet Jeremiah, ‘Call to Me, and I will answer you, and show you great and mighty things, which you do not know.’ (Jeremiah 33:3) is still available to them.
I challenge you to face your fears, frustrations and the fear of failing with words of encouragement from God's word. If you take time out daily to meditate on the Bible I believe it will guide you from fear to greater faith by identifying their core motives, and then translating that into the powerful motivation needed to win at work.
You are stronger than you think, but just in case you are feeling beat up by life, listen to the words of Moses in Exodus 14 as a final challenge when feeling unmotivated or scared about your career; “Do not be afraid. Stand still, and see the salvation of the LORD, which He will accomplish for you today...The LORD will fight for you!"
---------------------
About the author- Dwight Bain is dedicated to helping people achieve greater results. He is the Executive Director of the International Christian Coaching Association, (ICCA), a Certified Life Coach and Nationally Certified Counselor in practice since 1984 at the LifeWorks Group in Orlando, (www.Lifeworksgroup.org) with a primary focus on solving crisis events and managing major change. Stay connected with him on social media at www.linkedin.com/in/dwightbain
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