By: Christine Hammond, LMHC
As if things weren’t bad enough before the divorce and during the divorce, now the hard part of co-parenting begins. Co-parents are the legal parents/guardians of a child. There are many combinations of co-parenting. A biological parent with a grandparent guardian, two biological parents, or adoptive parents are just a few examples. Whatever the situation, having a few guidelines for moving forward can save time, energy, and money spent on future meditation.
1. It’s all about the kid’s best interest. One of the things parent fail to recognize is the importance of the other parent in the kid’s life. Even if the the other parent is incompetent, it is better that a child know who that parent is. Otherwise, the child is likely to imagine the other parent as some magical fairy-like godparent who will rescue them from their current parent. There are special circumstances in which this rule does not apply such as abusive behavior where the child’s safety is at risk.
2. The rules should be the same. This is a difficult one as more than likely one of the issues leading to divorce was differences in parenting. So the recommendation is not about specific discipline but rather general expectations. For instance a couple of house rules could be: be respectful, be kind, or be patient. These expectations should apply to all members of a household including parents and step-parents.
3. Plan ahead. Most parenting plans include specific guidelines for the transition of kids, days of the week schedule, holiday, and vacations. But kids forget these things easily and usually don’t look at an online calendar before asking their parents. To reduce frustration, have an annual calendar with the days clearly marked as to where the child is staying. This should be in both parent’s homes.
4. Communicate via internet. Even simple matters escalate unnecessarily when divorced parents communicate. There are several on-line co-parenting websites such as www.ourfamilywizard.com which allows all communication to be recorded including changes in medical, time sharing, or school matters. This is a useful tool for everyone especially if issues need to be mediated in the future. Parents should resist the urge to verify things verbally, always confirm with an email or text message.
5. Keep kids out of the middle. There are several ways that parents unintentionally encourage kids to be in the middle of a divorce. Kids already feel this way organically which sometimes results in them taking on adult-like responsibility which is not good from a developmental perspective. Parents should be careful not to use their kids to communicate with the other parent even for simple matters. Most especially, they shouldn’t tell the kids they can’t talk about the other household. Kids are a product of both parents and as such, they can’t divide themselves in two.
6. Avoid false hope. Parents should not confuse kids by letting them believe that their parents will reunite. Kids already secretly want this because they feel divided, not divorced. Giving kids false hope backfires as the only lesson a child learns is to not trust the parent who is making the claims. If the parents do reunite, the kids shouldn’t be told until things are completely resolved and the reunion is coming to fruition.
7. Be honest. Depending on the age of the child and the nature of the divorce, eventually all kids want to know why their parents separated. Parents shouldn’t lie or avoid the conversation. Rather, answer only the question that the child asked in its simplest form. “We divorced because we were not able to agree on key issues,” is an example. Regardless of the fault or innocence of either parent, blame should not be assigned. As a child ages, more information can be given but only if they ask. This is also the perfect time to reinforce the notion that the divorce had nothing to do with the child. “You are not responsible for the divorce,” needs to be stated as many times as possible without irritating the child.
8. Be cautious of who is introduced to the child. Eventually, one or both parents more forward with life and begin to date again. However, this process is for adults only and not children. Kids can attach onto an adult very easily especially when that adult is presented as safe and inviting. If the relationship deteriorates, a child will have a hard time disconnecting with the new person. In some cases, this can feel like a mini divorce. When the adult relationship becomes serious, introduce them as a friend first to ensure compatibility. Parents who continue to date someone whom the child dislikes will face defiant behavior in the future.
9. Step-parents are assistant parents. The word step-parent carries a negative connotation thanks to Disney movies such as Cinderella and Snow White. The name is also not role specific and leads to confusion over the boundaries of parenting. Rather, when the term assistant parent is used that immediately identifies exactly what the new parent’s role is in the family unit. They are to assist the legal parent in whatever fashion is requested. In other words, the assistant parent does not make parenting decisions, the legal parent does. This simple guideline eliminates many of the frustrations of a blended family.
10. Act like an adult. There will be many times that both parents, assistant parents, new sibilants, and extended family will have to be present at the same time. This includes sporting events, graduations, and weddings. Notice that this does not include birthdays which are often best celebrated separately. When a parent has to be in the presence of the other parent, it is best to see this as a business meeting of sorts. It is not unusual to have business meeting with people who are untrustworthy, incompetent, or unreasonable. Pointing these things out however, is unproductive. Parents should make a decision ahead of time to act professionally in front of the other parent.
Kids learn more from what a parent does rather than what is stated. All of the above guidelines are beneficial for other relationships in the future. Parents who treat co-parenting as a valuable life lesson will reap the benefits of a healthy adult relationship later.
To schedule an appointment with Christine Hammond, please call our office at 407-647-7005.