Understanding Dependent Personality Trait
By: Christine Hammond, LMHC
The word “dependent” is the perfect descriptive word to
summarize the personality trait.
Dependents are dependent on others for all areas of emotional support
and affirmation and are usually dependent on one person in particular such as a
spouse or parent. Often their dependence
is in direct contrast to the person they are dependent on who is very much
independent. Dependents as a general
rule of thumb don’t like others to be dependent on them but are comfortable
being dependent on others.
So what is Dependent?
Well, according to the new DSM-V, dependent is no longer a personality
disorder in and of itself rather it is now classified under Personality
Disorder Trait Specified (PDTS). This
means that there was not enough research to properly classify dependents as
having a named personality disorder but there is evidence enough that it does
exist. So the traits of dependent are
still classifiable and qualify as a PDTS.
Here is the technical definition based on the new classification:
·
Submissiveness
·
Anxiousness
·
Separation insecurity – fear of loss
The practical definition looks
more like this:
·
Indecisiveness
·
Acts passive and helpless
·
Oversensitivity to criticism
·
Avoids disagreeing with others
·
Tolerates mistreatment and abuse
·
Places needs of caregivers above own
·
Naive
Dependents are different from
co-dependents in that the other person is not dependent on them. Remember the TV show “Friends”? Ross from that show did an excellent job as a
dependent. More importantly was the
relationship between him and Rachel and how she was not nearly as dependent on
him as he was on her which made for many humorous scenes. This is classic dependent personality trait.
So how do you deal with a person who might be dependent? Here are a few suggestions:
·
Because they seek approval, expect they will try
to seek your approval even for the little things. It is almost as if they can’t make a decision
without running it by you, even small decisions.
·
Be reassuring with a dependent and don’t push them
away. They are very sensitive to
criticism and pushing away is the same thing as rejection.
·
“You are doing the right thing” is very
comforting to say to a dependent especially if they have to confront someone
else or stand up for themselves.
·
Even small decisions require your approval, so give
it without anger, resentment, bitterness, sarcasm, or minimizing.
·
If you take the time to validate their feelings
then they will be on your side for life.
If you minimize their feelings, they will see that as rejection.
·
Don’t ever belittle them in front of others and
always refrain from sarcasm when speaking with them.
Dependents are great at
relationships because they are so giving and willing to put up with all kinds
of nonsense. But don’t take them for
granted or you could lose them for good.
Understanding the nature of a dependent and not having unrealistic
expectations will help your relationship to greatly improve as most dependents
make friends for life.