10 Ways to Show Support for Someone after a Trauma
By: Christine Hammond LMHC
As soon as
Tracey could get away, she ran. It took nearly all night to find the right
moment when her date had finally fallen asleep enough to remove his arm off her
body. She silently grabbed her clothes from around the room, putting on enough
items to leave the apartment. Carefully, she opened the door and took off
running in the opposite direction without a thought of where she was headed.
After she got far enough away, she called a friend to pick her up and
reluctantly phoned the police.
Hours
later, she went home with her friend. Once inside the familiar walls, she
shrank into a ball on the floor, crying uncontrollably. The date which began
well, ended in disaster, leaving Tracey shaken, broken, fearful, ashamed,
disgusted, and traumatized. Her friend tried to comfort Tracey with a hug but
she quickly withdrew and locked herself up in the bathroom. When she came out,
her friend was patiently waiting and offered her support.
Trauma
comes in a variety of forms. It can happen anytime, anyplace, and with anyone. Most
people will experience several traumatic moments throughout a lifetime ranging
from mild to severe. So it stands to reason that family or friends would
already know how to comfort a traumatized person because they have experienced
some trauma themselves. But most do not and sadly they do an unintentionally
poor job that sometimes results in re-traumatizing the victim. Here are ten
things to keep in mind when offering support to a victim:
1. Listen. The most important element in showing support is to fully
listen. This means not interrupting, asking questions, or wanting a detailed
recount. Instead, the victim needs to be able to express their words and
emotions freely without any comment other than, “I’m sorry this happened to
you.” Responding with, “It’s not that bad,” or “You can get over this,” can be
very hurtful.
2. Be present. Being physically, emotionally, and mentally
present for another person is the ultimate selfless act however, it requires
considerable concentration. It is easy to become emotionally triggered by
witnessing someone else’s grief and being reminded of past events. Being
present means living fully in the current moment and not allowing the mind to
drift to another time or place.
3. Reassure safety. Trauma releases hormones into the body to help
a person survive. This freeze, flight or fight response is natural and normal.
However, it takes approximately 36-72 hours of trauma free moments for the body
to reset. One of the best ways to reduce the time is by reassuring the person’s
safety. “You are safe,” repeated as many times as needed, can be very
comforting.
4. Allow for grieving. Traumatic events can bring on the grieving
process. The stages of grief are usually experienced in a pinball like fashion,
randomly jumping from one to the next with little to no warning. They are
denial (“I can’t believe this happened), anger (“I’m so mad at this”),
bargaining (“If only I had…”), depression (“I don’t want to see anyone”), and
acceptance (“This is part of my story”). It can take months to years to fully
complete the grieving process depending on the person and the situation.
5. Avoid comparing. This is not the time to share horror stories of
past events or try to relate to a victim by claiming “I know how you feel
because this happened to me”. Nor is it a time to share another person’s trauma
and how they were able to recover quickly. The quickest way to healing is by
allowing the victim to experience their own unique thoughts and feelings
without the pressure to live up to some arbitrary standard.
6. Assist with decisions. During a traumatic event, the brain is
operating in survival mode which is part of the pre-frontal cortex. While this
is needed in order to live through the moment, the executive functioning part
of the brain (the mid-brain) is not operating at full capacity. Simple
decisions can be difficult at this time so assistance from a trusted person is
essential.
7. Protect privacy. A person’s trauma is just that, their trauma.
It is not for others to share unless asked to do so. Protecting the victim’s
privacy reinforces safety which helps provide comfort, understanding, and
support. Gossip is a strong temptation after a traumatic moment which alone can
destroy friendships and re-traumatize the victim.
8. Lend an everyday hand. Simple acts like preparing a meal,
filling up a gas tank, going to the grocery story, doing laundry, scheduling
appointments, and screening phone calls can be very useful to the victim. These
ordinary tasks require huge amounts of effort for the victim and can leave them
feeling depleted at a time when all of their energy should be on recovery.
9. Give space and time. The key here is patience. Be tolerant of the
victim’s need for occasional isolation. Don’t set an arbitrary time period when
the victim should fully recover. Instead, allow the victim some leniency in their
desire to withdraw, recount, or emote. However, any talk or sign of
self-harming behavior should be discussed immediately with a professional
counselor or doctor.
10. Respect any boundaries. It is typical for a victim to demand new
boundaries following a traumatic event. This is done because the victim is
reluctant to trust their own judgement. The boundaries will likely change in
the future as the victim gains greater perception several months or even years
later. But for now, respect their new guidelines.
Tracey’s
friend did a masterful job in all ten of these items. As a result, the
friendship between the two grew stronger and Tracey’s recovery and healing was completed.
To schedule an appointment with Christine Hammond,
Please call our office at 407-647-7005.
