How Narcissistic Parenting Breeds Devastation
By: Christine Hammond, LMHC, NCC
Ideally, a child
is given the freedom to explore and express their individuality so they can
develop into a confident and well balanced adult. This nurturing environment
prioritizes the needs of the child over the parent without overindulgence. But
this is not the case when one parent is a narcissist.
Most children
are unaware their dysfunctional narcissistic parent as they fully accept the
parent’s false perception of reality. However, when critical thinking kicks in
around age twelve combined with the increased influence of peer relationships,
things begin to change. Healthy parenting views this process as a natural
progression of becoming an adult while narcissistic parenting views the
transformation as threatening.
As a result, the
narcissistic parent will either withdraw completely or they attempt to control
the teen through degradation or humiliation. But this is just the start. When
the teen becomes an adult, the years of narcissistic parenting reveal far more
devastating consequences. Using the symptoms of a narcissist as the starting
point, here are the results of dysfunctional parenting:
1. Grandiosity
breeds criticalness. A
narcissistic parent (NP) magnifies their accomplishments to the point the child
believes they are super-human. The child desperately tries to live up to the
image of the NP. However, when they come close, the NP raises the bar again to
keep it just out of reach of the child. Internally, the child becomes overly
critical of their actions, believing they need to be perfect. When they can’t
reach perfectionism, they shut down entirely and engage in self-harming
behaviors.
2. Idealism
breeds despair. NPs
create their own fantasy world where they are all powerful, successful,
brilliant, or beautiful. Children of narcissists are expected to be physical
extensions of the NP. So if the child is intelligent, the NP takes the credit.
When the child achieves a reward, it is as if the NP got it instead. Since no
success is solely at the hands of the child, they lose hope that their
accomplishments matter. This generates feelings of despair and despondency.
3. Superiority
breeds inferiority. For
a NP, being average is as bad as below average. Since narcissists believe they
are superior and can only associate with other superior people, their children
by extension must also be exceptional. This pressure is overwhelming to a child
who may realize they are not extraordinary in everything they do. As a result, this
unrealistic expectation set by the NP generates feelings of inferior in the
child. “I can never be good enough,” is a common thought of the child.
4. Attention-seeking
breeds anxiety. A
narcissist needs daily feeding of attention, affection, affirmation or
admiration. When the child is small, they learn that the quickest way to get
their needs met is to fill these needs of the NP first. This is behavioral
conditioning at its finest. However, anxiety in the child manifests as they
constantly try to anticipate and meet the needs of the NP to prevent an emotion
explosion or backlash.
5. Entitlement
breeds shame. By nature
of being a parent, the NP expects the child to go along with whatever the NP
wants. The wants or desires of the child is constantly overshadowed or
belittled by the NP. This generates feelings of shame in the child as they
begin to invalidate their own likes and dislikes in favor of the NP.
Consequently, the child becomes a shell believing their uniqueness and
individuality is shameful.
6. Selfishness
breeds mistrust. In the
pursuit of self-preservation, the NP will justify taking advantage of others,
including their own children. The child’s self-centered behaviors are met with swift
and severe punishment despite the NP’s consistent modeling of the same. The NP
abuses their parental role by diverting attention from the NP’s selfishness and
instead highlights the deficiencies of the child. This propagates mistrust in
the child as they ascertain the NP to be an unsafe and untrustworthy person.
7. Indifference
breeds over responsibility.
Even when the child is excitedly talking about a new adventure, the NP will
tune them out or divert the conversation to make it about the NP. Worse yet,
when the child is in pain, either emotional or physical, there is no empathy or
understanding. Sadly, the child doesn’t see this as a problem of the NP; rather
the child assumes responsibility that somehow they were in the wrong. The
result is an internal nagging of needing to take responsibility for the flaws
or faults of others.
8. Materialism
breeds dissatisfaction. Narcissists
use material possessions as a way of elevating themselves over others and
controlling behavior. For instance, a NP will use gifting as a way of demanding
performance from the child. If the child does what is expected, they get
elaborate and expensive gifts. But if the child does not live up to
expectations, they might not get a gift at all. The use of material objects in
this manner steels the joy of item as the child is in constant fear that the
gift will be revoked for lack of performance.
9. Arrogance
breeds inauthenticity. While
the NP puts on a show of snootiness to everyone outside of the home, those
inside, especially children, see the deep rooted insecurity that lies beneath
the façade. However, if the child dares to expose the insecurity, they are
swiftly gaslighted as the NP makes the child look crazy. This teaches the child
never to reveal their own uncertainties resulting in a lack of genuineness.
Fortunately,
these childhood patterns can be reversed through an understanding of
narcissism, awareness of false truths, and a more accurate perception of
reality. Counseling is extremely beneficial in exposing and eradicating the lies
of narcissistic parenting.
To schedule an
appointment with Christine Hammond, please call our office at 407-647-7005.
