How to Set Adult Boundaries with Narcissistic Parents
By: Christine Hammond, LMHC
When adults realize they were the product of a narcissistic
parent, it can shock them into a state of grief. Instantly, they go from
idealizing the narcissist to grieving their lost childhood and the God-like
image of their parent. Suddenly, the parent is transformed from larger than
life to a deeply insecure human being. With the rose colored glasses off, the
adult struggles to rewrite their history without a narcissistic perception.
It is not an easy process. It requires time to recall events
and alter them to a newly discovered reality. It entails massive energy to
reprogram the negative words and competitive actions of the narcissist. It
necessitates motivation to complete the process until a new level of healthy is
achieved. But now that this process is finished, what new boundaries can keep
the adult from falling back into old habits?
1.
Think
before speaking. Before visiting or speaking to a narcissistic
parent, the adult should remember the parent is a narcissist. It might be
helpful to review some of their glaring characteristics so expectations can be
more appropriately set. Once a person knows a lion is a lion, they should not
expect a lamb. Thinking about the conversation before it begins allows the
adult to plan accordingly. Boundary = I’m
going to set reasonable expectations.
2.
Remember,
it is all about them. It helps to have an expectation that the
conversation will turn towards the narcissist. While the initial question may
be about the adult, it very quickly switches to the narcissist. Adults should expect
this and keep answers short and sweet to avoid giving away too much
information. The narcissist will only use the additional data against the adult
at a later date. Boundary = I’m not going
to give away information.
3.
Refuse
to be interrogated. A typical tactic of narcissists is to overwhelm
others into a state of heightened anxiety so they are less able to think
straight. Adults fall into this trap easily as the narcissistic parent groomed
them through intense interrogation as a child. This is about power and control
for the narcissist. As soon as the narcissist begins, the adult should slow
down their breathing. Then answer the question they wish the narcissist asked
instead of the one that was asked and immediately follow it with a compliment.
This disarms and distracts most narcissists. Boundary = I’m going to be treated like a peer.
4.
Reject
verbal assaults. Another typical narcissistic tactic is to
verbally assault anyone they believe is a threat. The adult might find
themselves a target for an aggressive (“You are lazy”), passive-aggressive
(“Your sibling is so successful”), or guilt ridden (“I invested so much in
you”) comment. This is about comparison maintains the narcissist’s superior
status. If the adult becomes defensive, the narcissist has won. Rather, the
adult should ignore the comment or say “that’s not appropriate” and again offer
a distracting compliment. This prevents the adult from acting like the
narcissist. Boundary = I’m not going to act
like a narcissist.
5.
Be free
of victimization. When all else fails, the narcissistic parent
becomes the victim as a way of guilt tripping the adult into submission. Their
“wow is me” routine is customized to match the weakness and vulnerability of
each adult child. It is generally effective or the narcissist would stop this
behavior. It helps if the adult child views this sequence like that of a
two-year-old temper tantrum. The more positive or negative attention that the
two-year-old receives, the more the performance is repeated. The key here for
the adult is to ignore the narcissist’s conduct entirely. Just like a
two-year-old, it will take several attempts before the new reality sets in and
is not repeated. Boundary = I’m not going
to cave to manipulation.