How to Divorce a Narcissist
By: Christine Hammond, LMHC
Divorcing a narcissist is grueling because they refuse to be
on the receiving end of someone leaving them. Their superior narcissistic ego
will not allow the possibility that there might be something wrong with them.
So they try numerous push away abusive tactics followed by pull closer romantic
methods to keep the spouse from separating. But, in contrast, if the narcissist
decides to go then there is no stopping them.
Due to the exhausting nature of divorce, it takes careful
planning on how a spouse goes about the divorce. Done well, the process will be
much easier and met with far less resistance. Follow these steps before
confronting a narcissist.
1.
Recognize
ending. There will be a point where enough is enough. Decide ahead
of time what the boundary is and then have the courage to stick to it. For
instance, a limitation could be multiple affairs. Once the second affair is
discovered, consider this the point in time to end the relationship. This is
not a boundary to be shared with a narcissistic spouse because they will come
just close to the edge without actually going over it.
2.
Keep
quiet. Using the above boundary as an example, don’t confront the
narcissist with “I’m going to divorce you.” This will only ignite into the
push/pull maneuver described above to keep the spouse from leaving. Another favorite
tactic is gaslighting which rewrites history to make the narcissist look like
the hero and the spouse look like the villain. There will be plenty of time for
confronting later after other things have been lined up first.
3.
Discover
evidence. The saying, “Where there is smoke, there is fire,” is
especially true for a narcissist. They have an insatiable need for constant
attention, approval, affection or affirmation. If they are not getting it at
home, they will get it somewhere else. This could come in the form of affairs
(physical or emotional), and/or addictions (drugs, alcohol, sex, spending, work
or gambling). To discover the vices, follow the money. Look for excessive cash
withdraws, hidden accounts, strange charges, and new credit cards.
4.
Gather
support. When looking for supportive friends and family, they must
be 100% devoted to the spouse and not the narcissist. It is best to find a
friend who sees the narcissism and has an accurate memory of past events. A
person trying to remain neutral will not provide the needed support. There
should only be a small handful of people in this circle who are capable of
maintaining confidentiality and have been tested in the past. This is not the
time to test or add new relationships. Be very leery of anyone wanting to
become a fast close friend during this time, it could be a set-up.
5.
Verify
perspective. Spend some time one-on-one with this small
group of friends to verify perspective. Ask questions and gather more
information about examples of the narcissism and any abusive tactics. Make an
actual list and/or timeline of events to bring even more clarity. The evidence
acquired will be useful later in determining an effective strategy.
6.
Stash
funds. Typically once a narcissist smells the possibility of
divorce, they cut off access to funds. It is important to have some money put
aside for a temporary place to live and basic living expenses. Ideally, the
money will not be needed but if it is, having it will keep options open rather
than closed. The funds should be in an account separate from any current
banking relationship. Have a couple of zero balance credit cards on hand as
well.
7.
Use
professionals. Preferably, use professionals who are familiar
with narcissism and have developed effective strategies. A therapist can
provide wisdom, guidance for healing, and emotional support during the divorce
process. An attorney will protect the spouse’s best interest instead of the
narcissist. Do not rely on the narcissist to find professionals because they
will choose only people who are fully supportive of them or are easily
manipulated.
8.
Remove
emotion. It is normal to be emotional during a divorce as the stages
of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance) are very
similar to a death. However, too much emotion can cloud judgement and prohibit
a person from making logical choices. Think of the divorce as a business
transaction rather than an emotional divide. The narcissist is counting on and
will try to incite the spouse into making rash fiery responses. They know the
exact buttons to push and have no problem utilizing them.
9.
Discern
timing. Before confronting the narcissist about a divorce, make
sure friends and professionals are lined up and agree with the timing. Don’t
pull the trigger on this too soon or all of the hard work in preparing could be
lost. The spouse should wait for the right moment when confidence is strong and
the decision is final. There is no turning back.
10. Pull trigger. Now is
the time to confront. Don’t do this in a private location where an abusive act
can take place. Rather choose a quiet public location where it is difficult to
raise a voice. Narcissists hate to be embarrassed so use that desire in the
spouse’s favor. Have some friends on alert to check-in and see if everything is
fine. Be non-emotion, very direct, and give extremely short responses to any
attack. Resist the urge to defend a position or take on unnecessary blame. Do
not engage in an argument, leave this for the attorney.
