Has Your Sex Life Changed After Years of Marriage?


By: Christine Hammond, LMHC

Has your sex life changed after years of marriage?  Are you struggling with mismatched sex drives?  Sometimes the solution is right in front of you.

Take a moment go over to lamp and unplug the cord from the electrical outlet.  Does the light go off?  Of course it does, now plug it back in.  The energy created between the connection of the outlet and the plug causes the light to go back on.  The outlet by itself cannot cause the light to go on any more than the plug by itself.  Both parts are needed to generate the electrical current.

The plug fills an opening in the outlet just as the outlet receives the plug.  Sex works in the same manner: a husband fills his wife just as the wife receives her husband.  The connection between the two generates powerful energy and excitement.  But this energy and excitement is not just reserved for sex, it can be generated in everyday life as well.  By focusing on your own role of either filling or receiving, you can generate greater sexual desire in your spouse.

Husbands.  Your role of filling your wife with love doesn’t begin and end in the bedroom.  Rather it is an everyday effort.  Know your spouse, study her, ask questions and be observant as to when she gets excited.  Just as you have changed over the course of your marriage, she too has changed and new insights are constantly needed.  Here are a couple of practical suggestions to get you started.

·         Fill her with kind words.  Encourage her daily.  Be gentle in your tone of speech.  Defend her.  Don’t be pushy.  Ask forgiveness for any harsh words or name calling.

·         Fill her with help.  Clean the kitchen without being asked.  Help the kids with homework.  Put in a load of laundry.  Complete whatever project she asked you to do ages ago.

·         Fill her with time.  Spend one-on-one time with her.  Turn off the TV, computer, all electronic devices and devote the time for just her.  Take a walk.  Go to dinner.  Make her a priority.

·         Fill her with gentle touch.  Reach for her hand when you are walking.  Greet her with a kiss.  Be intentional about giving her a quality hug daily.  Never force unwanted touch.

·         Fill her with gestures.  Make her coffee in the morning.  Give her flowers for no reason.  Surprise her with a gift card just for her.  Give out of generosity not manipulation.

Wives.  Your role of receiving your husband with openness doesn’t begin and end in the bedroom either.  It too is an everyday effort.  Receiving with openness is showing respect for your husband, as this is reserved for him and him alone.  Just because you believe you are being respectful, does not mean he agrees.  Pay attention to how he defines respect.  Here are a couple of practical suggestions.

·         Receive him with affirmation.  Acknowledge the role he plays as provider and be intentional about showing gratitude.  Be satisfied with what he brings home.  Affirm his role as a leader.  Don’t belittle.

·         Receive him with assistance.  Find ways to help him that he appreciates.  Don’t decide for him, ask.  Come alongside him and assist without telling him how to do it better. 

·         Receive him with attention.  Reserve some time for just him.  Let him know that he is special to you and deserves some of your time.  Don’t give him the leftovers of your day.

·         Receive him with affection.  Treat him better than your best friend.  Be friendly and warm towards his gestures.  Reach out and grab his hand for a change or give him a kiss for no reason.

·         Receive him with awards.  Honor him in how you speak about him to others.  Reward him with a special meal.  Give him a present out of the blue.  Treat him as “Husband of the Year”.

Of course, there are acceptations to every rule.  If your relationship has become abusive, this advice is not for you.  Get some help and set firm boundaries, your safety is a priority.

Another word of caution:  make sure you are focusing on YOUR part and not what your spouse is and isn’t doing.  You are responsible for your actions, behaviors, thoughts, and emotions, not your spouse.  When you focus on filling or receiving and your spouse responds likewise, beautiful energy is created and rejuvenated everyday.

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