What To Do When You Are The Cheating Spouse
By Christine Hammond
You are having an affair.
This wasn’t intention, you didn’t even see it coming but here you are
anyway in the middle of an affair. It started off easily and innocently with a
glance when you noticed the other person and got noticed back; it felt good to
have someone look at you like that way again.
The other person took an interest in you, in your problems, in your
frustrations, and in your successes without judgment, resentment, or selfishness. It began with an occasional face-to-face
conversation then the conversation became more private through texting and
emails. You found yourself looking for
opportunities to meet and to touch casually noticing their smell, their look,
and their eyes longing for the next meeting.
Finally it happened, the connection that began as emotional
became physical. It seemed so natural,
so comfortable, and so normal that you hardly noticed something was wrong. But something is wrong because you are
married and the other person is not your spouse. Mixed emotions of guilt, fear, excitement,
anticipation, worry, anger, and anxiety flood your body leaving you with a complete
lack of clarity. Now you are stuck, not knowing what to do without anyone to
talk to, knowing that no matter what someone is going to get hurt. You know that having an affair is wrong, but
here you are.
Lie #1: No one is going to get hurt. The truth is everyone will get hurt. Your spouse will get hurt when the affair becomes
known, a promise of fidelity is broken, trust is destroyed, and intimacy is
denied. The person you are having the
affair will get hurt when reliability is forbidden, stability is deprived,
promises are broken, and intimacy is one way.
You will get hurt when forced to make a decision, lies become standards,
secrets become gossip, promises broken, and intimacy becomes a farce. Your friends, family, and God all become hurt
as well since your marriage was a promise of commitment in front of all and now
that promise is broken.
Lie #2: It’s my spouse’s fault I’m having an affair. The truth is both of you are to blame for the
affair but you more than your spouse.
Pointing fingers is not going to accomplish much right now, it’s kind of
like Adam and Eve in the garden when each blamed someone else for the reason
they sinned. What is done is done and
blaming someone else is not going to more you forward. Own your own mistakes; this is adult behavior
instead of childlike blame shifting.
Lie #3: There is nothing I can do. The truth is you have many options but all of
them are far more difficult than the decision to have the affair. Once you recognize that you are really
hurting everyone by having an affair and you own up to your responsibility in
the affair, then you need to take action.
Remaining in the same place and continuing on with your life as it is
now will cause significant anxiety and lead to panic attacks and
depression. Having an affair is lying. So begin the process by not lying anymore and
then confess previous lies. It will be
painful of there is little doubt but continuing the lying is even more painful.
No one likes to admit that they have done something
wrong. It is painful, revealing,
exposing, and humbling however nothing can be resolved if the affair remains in
secret. Get some counsel, ask for help
from a non-biased person, and take action.
In the end, you are responsible for your actions and the decisions that
you make both for good and bad.
