How To Find Clarity When Feeling Lost And Hopeless In Life
By: Brian Murray, LMHC, NCC
At times we can all feel confused about life. We work and grind our way through along with the dissatisfaction of having fulfilling work and relationships. We fall into a job or a marriage without ever really understanding who we are or what we are getting involved with. Years go by and we live with resentment, frustration and anxiety about who we are and what we are doing. We change careers, end the marriages and yet we still feel empty and incomplete. What is going on?
Searching for direction and knowing who we are, and where we are going can be difficult. This searching can be especially challenging after a major life event such as the death of a loved one, a lost marriage or job loss. Sometimes big changes can leave us feeling liberated, and other times it can feel like the world is coming to an end.
At times these major life changes cause us to wonder about what we are really doing here. It begs the question of what is the meaning of all of this? What is the purpose of our existence, of this life? Why are we here? Why do so many people ask these same questions?
Throughout the ages there have been many philosophers and theologians who have asked these same questions. When we begin to think this way it’s often due to an internal struggle about where we have been and where we are going. And this concept of searching for the meaning in life is not just attempted individually, but universally. Throughout the ages and with different religions, cultures and continents we see these same existential questions arise.
Sometimes in counseling these questions may be presented in session. The sufferer is experiencing what is referred to as an existential crisis. The word “crisis” is used to describe what a person is feeling in response to thinking life is meaningless. This is different from a crisis such as feeling panic. It’s more like a dilemma. The person is at a crossroad and looking where to go from where they are until the end of life. This deep feeling of dread is rooted in fear that life means nothing and only leads to death. Life can begin to look and feel hopeless.
Existential thoughts frequently lead to feeling anxious and depressed. Existential counseling attempts to explain that life is about choices. When reflective, choices can be seen as good or bad, or a combination of both good and bad. If bad, then choices can give the sufferer some hope about the future. If choices led you to where you are, then choices can lead you to where you want to go. We cannot change the past, but we can change the future. Your story isn’t over yet. And although we cannot control the future in some situations, we can control how we choose to respond to them.
At the root of existentialism is this fear that we are ultimately alone, and it’s this alone feeling of how we experience death. Thinking about death, and how short life is, can make the sufferer suddenly try to figure out how to live life with meaning and purpose. It throws them into this angst of having to find it, and when they realize they don’t have it they enter into a crisis. Metaphorically, they embark on an adventure to find and define themselves. To find a life worth living that gives them a sense of joy and peace. This sense of achieving a defined self is made possible from the choices a person makes. Albert Camus puts it this way, “we are the sum of our choices.” This is an attempt to come to self-actualization. The choices we make about who we believe we are, our choices to become what we have always wanted are actualized and the sufferer is relieved of the burdens they felt when they were stuck. But there is a catch. Often there is one existential angst after another, and another. Life can be a series of these but the same application works. Make your choices and if they don’t work then make more choices and so forth and so on. This series of choices is about freedom and responsibility.
We are now thrust into an examination of our existence. Examining life, gaining insight and wisdom can lead to understanding how we want to lead ourselves. We are given the opportunity for responsibility and freedom to take charge of ourselves. For example; if our choices lead to anxiety, then what choices lead us out of anxiety? The same goes for any dilemma we face in our lives. Our choices going forward is what we make of ourselves.
From a Christian perspective Existentialism has a bold and defining meaning. Christ through death gave all Christians an identity through Him. Pastor Rick Warren in his book The Purpose Driven Life takes on this existential view by stating that the purpose of our existence is to serve God. He goes on further to help us find out what our spiritual gifts are so that we can serve God according to our gifts. This example shows that tremendous identity is given to God’s faithful, and at the same time gives us meaning and purpose while we are here on earth. Having faith in Christ leads us to an understanding that death is not the end, but eternal. It gives us hope that beyond our current existence is a place of restful peace free from some idea of a dreary ending.
Pain and suffering are very much a part of the existential experience which are recognized as part of life. So is the concept of free-will. At times Christians and non-Christians alike will question where God is in the process of pain and suffering. The short answer is He is right here with us through it all. Jesus never promised the absence of suffering, but He does promise that he will be with us as we go through it. He also promises that beyond this physical life is a life with Him free of pain and suffering.
The goal of existential therapy ultimately is to help a client explore their options in life. It helps the client resolve their issues through exploration and coming to terms with themselves about how they are experiencing their problems. It helps them realize that while they may not like the choices they have made in the past, their story isn’t over. They can make new choices and keep going. The process provides a safe place to explore choices, recognize our responsibilities and understand that while we may not like what we are experiencing, there are possibilities beyond what we are faced with. The healing in existential counseling happens when a person actualizes. Self actualization is when a person reaches a point of satisfaction with who they are. Everything up to this point will have been a battle within themselves.
What are
you doing today that gives you a sense of meaning and purpose in life?
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