5 Coping Strategies For Codependents

By: Brian Murray LMHC

 Codependents often struggle with where they end and others begin. It's a boundary thing. They have not learned how to place self-validating limits in their life, especially in their social and romantic life. When limits are done in a healthy way, the codependent can live a more free and independent life from others. This process in codependency recovery is known as detachment.

The codependent needs to stop focusing on others and focus on themselves. Part of this is a self-validation process. Codependency can at times creates strong emotions due to not understanding how to handle themselves in relationships. From this perspective, it's beneficial for them to learn emotional management techniques. Most of these emotions are due to feelings of obligation and guilt. The codependent becomes confused, angry, anxious or depressed when they cannot make other people happy. They don't feel valid. This distortion occurs when they try to rescue others from an experience, and their help is not accepted leaving them feeling invalid.

When a codependent frees themselves of feeling obligated toward others, then they are free to take care of themselves and life becomes easier. They lose their fear of how others are going to respond and less guilty. Guilt creeps in when they feel like what they are doing to make the other person better isn't working. It greatly hurts their self-worth.

Self-validation can go a long way helping a codependent operate from a more stable position. Listed here are five ways a codependent can move more into a self-care taking way.

1. Detach and take a step back. Focus on the intrinsic worth of the person you are struggling with. Let them value themselves without interference. Observe feelings and whether they are of yourself or the other. Allow the feelings to remain in that place, either with yourself or with the other person. This facilitates appropriate responsibility for the owner of thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.

2. Listen carefully to what is said with words, expression, and body. Controlling codependents often jump in without thinking. Intently listen and be open-minded without judgment at the moment. Don't be too quick to respond. This allows the codependent freedom to navigate. If needed, just let it be for the time. Adopt an understanding that people can be with each other without a fix or rescue. They just the presence of another person to share their experience. This is part of having good and healthy friendships.

Note: If you are self-validating, honor your experience by sitting quietly with it for a few moments. Don't let your feelings dictate direction. Adopt the understanding that feelings are informants, not commanders. Informants provide information about how the situation is being experienced, while commanders give the direction which is related to rational thoughts.

3. Describe to yourself, in a nonjudgmental way, and state the facts of the situation. Be aware of conjured up thoughts versus facts. Be mindful of jumping to conclusions, making mountains out of molehills, assuming what the other is thinking. Our brains are powerful and can make up all kinds of lies about what we might be thinking others are experiencing. Don't believe the lie. The heart is hungry for connection and will believe almost anything, including a lie.

4. State the unstated and stay off the eggshells. Low self-esteem codependents have a tendency to be avoidant out of fear of negative reactions. Ask questions for clarification and not manipulation. Seek understanding in a way that is respectful and not interrogative. In other words, stay away from nasty. Note the presence of your feelings and beliefs that have not been voiced: “You seem to feel angry, but also hurt by what that person said to you.” This example shows how feelings have informed, now think about how you are going to respond. When validating yourself, identify primary emotions. Explore your feelings of any shame, hurt, or disappointment that may be hiding beneath, especially if it originates from childhood.

Note: If you are in a relationship where you are being abused ...get out. Leave. Life is too short to put up with someone’s toxic behaviors. If you feel that you cannot leave without harmful consequences, then find a licensed counselor who can help you draw up a safety plan for a secure escape. Here in Central Florida, we have Harbor House that protects women from domestic violence situations in a confidential way, so finding a local resource such as this can be beneficial. Their intake counselors will meet you at an undisclosed location to prevent the abuser from following you to the shelter. This way your whereabouts remain safe. Often a phone call to the shelter is made right in the counselor's office and is held in such tight secrecy that even the counselor is unaware of the details being arranged. If things get really bad, call 911.

5. Let go of self-righteous indignation and that you have to agree or approve of yours, or other people's experiences. As a good friend said to me in my teenage years, “who died and made you king of all?” Message received, I backed off thinking I had all the answers. Find “your” piece of the interaction with others that makes sense and validate this.

Remember, stay in the moment. Stick to your own thoughts and feelings. Resist the urge to fix, rescue and control others. And avoid operating in relationships that require fear, obligation or guilt about how others feel. It's okay to be a kind and compassionate person, to be supportive, however before rushing in too fast, ask the person you feel compelled to help if, in fact, you can help. Regardless of their answer, respect it, and remember the steps above to validate yourself of how you experience their answer.

To schedule an appointment with Brian Murray,

Please call our office at 407-647-7005.

www.lifeworksgroup.org