Why You Shouldn’t Ask “Why”
By: Christine Hammond LMHC
Mike was
confused. Even though he was successful, he struggled with personal
connections. He had professional relationships but they were very surface and
work only oriented. When he tried to converse outside of business matters, he
sounded awkward and unintelligent.
Home
wasn’t any better. His relationship with his wife centered on discussing only
severe matters about their teenagers. For the most part, he had no idea what
his kids were doing and who they were doing it with. And even less idea what
was happening in his marriage. He felt lonely and isolated both at work and
home.
So he
decided to change by asking more questions. As a naturally analytic person, he
was often baffled by why a person did what they did. It seemed logical to just
ask “Why”. He thought this would open up more conversation. But instead, it had
the opposite effect. Now more confused than ever, Mike sought out help to
better understand what was wrong with asking “Why” and how he could accomplish
his goal of better interpersonal relationships.
“Why” questions judgement. “Why did you do that?”
“Why did you say this?” “Why are you so angry?” “Why do you care so much?” “Why
does this matter?” In each of these “Why” questions, the answer begins with
“Because”. Immediately, a person is placed on the defensive and forced to
explain themselves. Behind the “Why” question, there is an assumption that the
behaviors/words/emotions are not appropriate demanding further clarification,
rationalization, or even justification. Implied within that is a judgement or a
bias of incorrectness. When dealing with a person whose perception might not be
the same as the questioner, it further suggests a hint of superiority. This is
why “Why” questions should be used very judiciously.
When “Why” is harmful.To the points above,
when in a relationship with a person who utilizes “Why” questions, this pushes
others away. In the case of Mike, his wife felt his “Why” questions elevated
him to more of a parental role with her instead of a partnership. His teenagers
hated having to explain everything they were doing and felt interrogated by
him. While his co-workers saw the “Why” questions as evidence that Mike felt
they were incompetent at their job. Even though Mike’s intention was to
understand and not confront, each party felt the opposite.
When “Why” is useful. There are times
however when asking a “Why” question is useful and preferable. For instance,
attorneys frequently ask “Why” questions when a person is on the stand or
taking a deposition.They can also be useful when an investigator is
interrogating a witness or suspect. In both cases, the intention is to put a
person on the defense and thereby gain more information or cause the person to
make a mistake. There might be times in a personal relationship when confrontation
is necessary to bring about change. Then a “Why” question is preferred due to
the directness and simplicity of making a point.
Ask why without using “Why”.There are many ways to
come alongside a person and gain understanding without asking “Why”. “I’m
confused by what happened, can you please explain it?” “Help me understand what
you meant.” “I see that you are angry, is there something I can do to help?”
“You have such a caring heart, where does it come from?” “It seems this is
important to you, can you expand on it further?” These alternative
statements/questions accomplish the same objective as the above “Why” questions
without causing a person to self-protect. When it comes to building or
fostering a relationship, this method is preferable to a more aggressive
approach of “Why” questioning.
Mike
stopped asking “Why” questions and instead came up with a few alternatives. At
first it was difficult to rethink the question into a more connective fashion
but with time, Mike mastered the technique. In the end, he benefited from the
additional effort by having better relationships at home and work.
To schedule an appointment with Christine Hammond,
Please call our office at 407-647-7005.
www.lifeworksgroup.org