The Unspoken Rules for Living with a Narcissist
By: Christine Hammond LMHC
Every
family has unspoken rules like: don’t wake-up mom when she is taking a nap, no
matter what it tastes like say dad’s cooking is good, or always clean before
grandma comes to the house. These guidelines are followed without question to
keep the family running smoothly.
However,
when a narcissist is added to the mix, the rules take on more intensity. The
consequences for not following the guidelines are severe such as giving a
person the silent treatment for days, withholding financial resources for groceries,
verbal assaults, or hour long anger rants. No one is immune from the effects,
the spouse and children are expected to adhere to the standards without
question. Here are a couple of examples:
1. Only their perspective matters. A narcissistic spouse was
keeping track of his wife’s menstrual cycle, so he could manage her “crazy mood
swings”. Knowing that he did this, his wife even spoke to her doctor to see if
she had a menstrual disorder and the response was no. Still he continued to
point out her cycles and blame any discontent that she expressed on them. When
her husband was asked if he ever took the time to understand why his wife was
deeply offended by this, his response was, “No, why does that matter.”
Narcissists view the world from their perspective only. Any attempt to get them
to view things from another point of view is met with intense resistance.
2. Appearance is everything. The whole purpose of narcissism is to
cover up a deep rooted insecurity, so it stands to reason that the same
principle will be followed in their home. A narcissistic female spent hours
cleaning the house, making food, and ordering the family around in preparation
for an after-funeral party. She was so obsessed with what everyone would think
about her house, that she missed some of her mother’s funeral just to make sure
that everything was in order. Before the guests arrived, she was yelling over
some spilled wine but as soon as they entered, she put on her happy face. To
her guests, she appeared to have it all together as not a tear was shed for her
mother.
3. There are a lot of “family secrets”. The irony about “family
secrets” is that the narcissist does not honor other’s secrets but demands
compliance with theirs. A beautiful young woman spent years in middle school
going through her self-identified “ugly phase”. However her narcissistic mother
still liked to carry a picture of her daughter during that time calling her “my
ugly duckling”. She had a habit of bringing out the picture whenever others
would complement her daughter on her good looks. One day, after finding a
terrible old picture of her mother, the daughter likewise shared her photo. The
mother flew into a rage and refused to speak to the daughter for several years
accusing the daughter of embarrassing her in front of friends.
4. Sex is expected on demand. The birth of their first baby was a bit
traumatic resulting in several tears and stitches. The doctor gave strict
instructions not to have sex for at least 6 weeks due to the damage. About two
weeks after the birth, the narcissistic father began insisting that his wife
have intercourse with him. His persistence was unrelenting and finally she gave
in despite the pain. This caused her to bleed and her stitches to be re-opened.
The husband blamed the doctor for not doing an adequate job. Sex is not about
the narcissist’s partner wants or needs; rather it is about their needs being
met on demand and they will say or do whatever it takes to have sex.
5. There is a constant comparing. In order to maintain
superiority status, narcissists constantly compare themselves to others.
However, it doesn’t stop there. Spouses, children, houses, cars, and bank
accounts are also continually evaluated. A narcissistic spouse looks at another
woman and comments to their spouse, “why can’t you look more like her.” A
narcissistic parent sees another kid performing well on the football field and
begins to berate their child for not doing as well. A new college narcissistic
graduate turns down several good jobs because “they are beneath me and I deserve
better”.
6. It’s never their fault. No matter what the circumstance, a narcissist will not accept
responsibility for any failure. Instead things will be twisted and blamed
on others. A narcissistic parent was asked to pick their child up after soccer
practice. All the other parents had come and gone before the child texted their
parent. The narcissist’s response was filled with anger saying that the child
was being impatient, demanding, and uncaring about the work issue that delayed
the parent an hour and a half. There was even more enrage upon discovering that
the child also texted their other parent letting them know about the incident.
The narcissistic parent then accused the child of creating problems in the
marriage.
7. There is unnecessary
drama. One of the tell-mark signs of a
narcissistic relationship is the generation of unnecessary drama. Often this is
done to stir up confusion so the narcissistic spouse can look like the hero.
During a night out with friends, a spouse makes a casual comment about their
income being a bit less this month due to the economy. Immediately, the
narcissistic spouse gives them the “stare” which is a silent “shut-up now”. On
the way home and in the house, the narcissistic spouse rants for hours about
how the comment embarrassed them and was completely disrespectful. Then the
narcissist demands that their spouse retract the comment with the friends and replace it with gratitude for the bonus that was earned last
year.
While there are more unspoken rules that narcissistic family have, these points
highlight the most predominate ones. To recover from such a family, it is
useful to write out your own unspoken rules so they can be properly evaluated
and discarded.
To schedule an appointment with Christine Hammond,
Please call our office at 407-647-7005.