The Role of Guilt and Shame in Codependency
By
Megan Muñoz IMH:
There are many dead giveaways in the daily life and activity
of someone engaging relationships in codependent ways. One of the necessary
components that fuels codependency is a strong feeling of guilt combined with
shame. Guilt is different from shame in that guilt is the feeling of having
done something wrong, whereas shame is the feeling that there is something
inherently wrong with who you are.
So how do guilt and shame drive codependency?
In codependency, guilt is the voice that tries to convince
us that we are responsible for others in ways they are capable of being
responsible for themselves. Shame slips in beside guilt and whispers the ways
we fall short of the kind of person we are supposed to be in relationship with
others.
Tiffany was raised from childhood to be responsible for her
mother’s emotional needs. As Tiffany got older, she found herself taking more
and more responsibility for caring for her mother in ways her mother should be
caring for herself. Although Tiffany would become frustrated with this, she
still continued to feel responsible for her mother’s well-being and daily life.
She would schedule her doctor’s appointments, clean her house whenever she came
to visit and worry about the social and financial decisions her mother made.
What are the roles of guilt and shame in Tiffany’s story?
Because Tiffany believed her mother’s responsibilities were
her own, she often felt guilty when she discovered her
mother had not seen the dentist in the last year or was living in a messy
house. This guilt moved Tiffany into action to make up for what she felt she
had failed to do for her mother as a daughter.
Tiffany was constantly holding herself up to the image of
what she had been taught a daughter should be to her mother. Because she had
been raised to wrongly believe her identity was in being her mother’s
caretaker, Tiffany would feel like a terrible daughter every time her mother
was in need but failed to care for herself in ways she was capable of doing
without Tiffany’s help.
Tiffany starting going to counseling, where she learned
about codependency and how it had become the medium of relationship between her
and her mother. Slowly, Tiffany began to recognize the ways she had been taking
responsibility for her mother in unhealthy ways and began taking steps to
create healthy boundaries and a new sense of identity.
One day, while Tiffany was over for a visit, her mother
spilled her coffee at the dining table. Tiffany’s first impulse was to jump up
and grab a towel to clean the mess. But because of her work in codependency,
she stayed in her chair and waited to see what happened. To her surprise, her
mother got up from the table, grabbed a towel and cleaned up the coffee on her
own. This may not seem like a large accomplishment to some, but for those
recovering from codependency like Tiffany, this was a significant step towards
a healthy relationship with her mother.
If you can relate to parts of Tiffany’s story, take some
time for your own mental health and explore how codependency may be playing a
leading role in your life. It may be helpful to talk to a counselor to
understand the impact that caretaking others
has in your relationships and learn how to establish healthy boundaries and a
renewed sense of self.
To schedule an
appointment with Megan Muñoz,
Please call our
office at 407-647-7005.