The Meaning of the Word, ‘NO’
By: Christine Hammond
LMHC
Remember
when then President Bill Clinton defended his improper relationship with Monica
Lewinsky by saying, “it depends on what your definition of ‘is’ is”? That
classic line sounds almost ridiculous as there is only one meaning to the word
is. It stands to reason that other simple words such as ‘yes’ and ‘no’ would
likewise have only one meaning. However, to some people, ‘no’ does not mean no.
A
teenager hears the word ‘no’ after asking to borrow the car. Instead of
accepting the response, the teen insists that the world is coming to an end if
they cannot meet their friends later that night.
A
spouse hears the word ‘no’ after asking to have sex with their partner. Rather
than respecting the response, there is constant trying, begging, manipulation,
and finally coercion.
A
boss hears the word ‘no’ after asking their employee to stay late one night
without any additional pay. As the employee goes to leave, the boss threatens
to hire someone more cooperative tomorrow.
There
are a number of valid reasons why a person might say ‘no’. Most people with
healthy boundaries accept the limitation and try to find others ways to make
things work without violating the boundary. But those who refuse to accept ‘no’
for an answer keep insisting on getting their way, regardless of the cost to
others. What type of person does this?
Dangerous people. One of the first
indicators of being in the presence of a dangerous person such as a sociopath
is their inability to accept ‘no’ as a response. A negative response is seen by
them as a challenge that needs to be overcome. They are enticed by ‘no’ and
enjoy manipulating their opponent into changing their mind. A person plotting
harm does not allow a ‘no’ to stand in the way of their plan.
But why people. This type of person is
constantly wearing others out with a ‘but why’ remark after a boundary has been
set. Even when a valid reason is presented, it is never good enough and is only
further picked apart. Their obsessiveness about the specifics of ‘why’
literally wears others into submission. In the short terms, this type of person
feels a sense of accomplishment for winning the argument. But in time, this
behavior exhausts others and eventually drives people away.
Ignoring others person. This type of person
ignores each and every ‘no’ as if it was not even said. The belief is that if
they don’t acknowledge it than it can’t be true. So they refuse to hear
acknowledge the ‘no’ and just keep pushing things forward in the direction they
want. This passive-aggressive manner of confrontation is frustrating and
sometimes causes others to give in just to make things stop. Again, after a
period of time, others begin to ignore them and don’t believe they are being
honest.
Bully person. A bully uses
intimidation to get what they want so when a person says ‘no’, this is only
seen as a test, not a limitation. They dominate by giving others constant,
unending, needling pressure to cave into their expectations. The narcissistic
attitude of “it’s about me and what I want” is the driving factor which causes
others to relent into their unrealistic demands. But a bully is only as strong
as the threat they possess, so without one, they are ineffective.
Dramatic person. In the movies, a ‘no’
is frequently just an invitation for trying harder. This is sometimes seen in
the romantic comedies or dramas where one person says ‘no’ to a relationship
only to be convinced into it later through some dramatic event. This type of
person sees the ‘no’ as an opportunity to grandstand and jump over the boundary
with finesse. For the person on the receiving end, if they don’t succumb, they
are viewed as bitchy.
With
so many types of personalities unaccepting of the word ‘no’, there is a real
hazard for those who say the word and mean it. The only way to reverse this
course is for those who have the courage to say ‘no’ to stand by what they mean
and resist those who relentlessly pursue their own interests at the cost of
others.
To schedule an
appointment with Christine Hammond,
Please call our office
at 407-647-7005.
