The Obsessive Narcissist: Stopping the Suffocation
By: Christine Hammond LMHC
Certain
professionals such as attorneys, surgeons, and pilots are highly valued for
their persistence, myopic focus, and single-minded determination. These traits
enable a person to be very successful in environments that not only encourage
but reinforce this behavior. After all, no one wants a surgeon who is easily
distracted while performing open-heart surgery.
It is not.
Frequently, it has the opposite effect. The family member becomes overwhelmed
by the excessive attention and tries to run away instead. This usually results
in enormous amounts of frustration for the obsessive narcissist who only pushes
even harder. But the harder they try, the worse the results. The downward
spiral begins, often ending in total isolation or abandonment.
It can be different,
the suffocation can stop. However, this process requires equal participation
from all parties involved to be effective. Here is how it works:
1. Identify the obsessive narcissist. This personality is a
combination of Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder and Narcissistic
Personality Disorder. Some of the traits include: ritualistic order, myopic or
hyper focus, unreasonable persistence, single-minded determination, won’t
listen to advice, can’t see things from other’s perspective, quietly boisterous,
doesn’t listen to ‘no’, uses extremes or exaggerations in arguments, gives
excessive details or explanations, keeps mementos of successes, and tramples
those in their way. An accurate assessment of this personality is essential to
the process.
2. Create safety for the family members. The bulling behavior of
the obsessive narcissist generates an unsafe environment for the family. They
never know when or where they will become the next target and are frequently
excellent escape artists just before an explosion happens. It is essential that
the family feels heard, understood, and does not feel pressured into the
relationship. Everything must proceed on their timetable, not on the obsessive
narcissist’s schedule.
3. Everyone to their corners. When boxers get too close during a
match, the referee separates the parties and sends them to their corners.
Trying to work with both parties in the room at the same time doesn’t yield
quick results. Rather, it is better to separate the parties so as to reinforce
a safe environment, divide out the issues, and triage their importance. This
gives the family time to reset from the intensity of the obsessive narcissist.
4. Establish rules of order. The best part of working with an
obsessive narcissist is that they understand the need for order and often
willingly abide by rules that they have established. However, the downside is
that if they do not agree with a rule, they will break it within minutes. Most
obsessive narcissists need detailed explanations as to the reason for the rule,
the ability to modify it within a certain time frame, and reassurance that
process will work. The family needs the rules to feel safe.
5. Begin with agreement. Finding the areas of mutual agreement is the
key to a successful process. Especially when that area is a long-term outcome
such as having a healthy relationship that respects boundaries. Also included
are common personality traits or interests that might be shared by the family
members. When each is able to see what they have in common, it naturally draws
them closer.
6. Deal with crisis matters first. Whatever issue is
currently burning for both parties, must be dealt with first. Then, the
long-term matters come next. Sprinkled in between are insignificant issues.
This is an intentional process of big item, little item, and back to big again.
The little items allow for time to breath before tackling another hot-button
issue. However, no more than two crisis items at a time before moving to the
next step.
7. Return back to step one and begin again. Interestingly enough,
as the process proceeds, it is necessary to remind everyone how and why things
are this way. For each new ground that is established, all of the steps need to
be revisited. This often frustrates the obsessive narcissist who wants to keep
things moving forward at an aggressive pace. However, the family needs to go
back and revisit the beginning in order to move forward at a comfortable pace.
Through repetition and several successful completions of the process, the obsessive narcissist learns a new way of dealing with their personal relationships. The suffocation can stop and health can be restored to the family.
To schedule an appointment with Christine Hammond,
Please call our office at 407-647-7005.