Recovering from an Abusive Narcissist
By: Christine Hammond LMHC
The path
to healing after an abusive marriage is more like a winding mountain road than
a straight line. Just when a person thinks they are moving forward, the road
makes a sharp turn backwards. Sometimes the best way to illustrate the journey
is through a story. Here is Michelle’s route.
After 25
years of marriage to an abusive narcissist, Michelle finally decided to divorce
her husband. It was bad enough for her to suffer through his rages and threats
but now as the kids got older, he was doing the same to the three of them. She
spent years successfully protecting her children from these attacks, until the
day he took out a gun and threatened to kill himself in front of them. That was
it, she was out.
It took
every ounce of her strength to file for divorce. He was furious. He pulled out
all of the stops and began accusing her of things he did. He rewrote history
and spent hours trying to coax his teenage children into believing his version.
He even offered bribes of cars and college money in exchange for their loyalty to
him. In public, he was out to destroy her. Privately, he sent desperate text
messages of his unfailing love for her, begging her to take him back.
Initial visit. At the advice of her attorney, Michelle
sought out counseling. When she first came in, she was emotionally flat and
told her story as if it happened to someone else. She would pause before
answering questions as if searching for the right words. Her memory was spotty
and she was easily confused by simple concepts. She intertwined stories of
verbal and physical assaults with hints of sexual abuse.
Physical symptoms. Despite the flat
affect, her body language was more expressive. Her right hand would move around
her neck in a choking position whenever she mentioned sex. Several times, hive
like patches on her neck would appear and then disappear in conjunction with
noticeable increases in her heart rate. She must have had three or four mini anxiety
attacks in one hour.
Initial diagnosis. It was clear that Michelle
was suffering from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) from the repeated and
long-term abuse that she experienced. The revised DSM-5 standard allows for the
inclusion of these events as opposed to a one time life-threatening event. By making
her aware of reaction, she became less anxious about the panic attacks so they
didn’t escalate into paralysis.
Assessment of abilities. Michelle was an
intelligent woman who had risen to senior management at her bank. She had no
trouble remembering details from work, her annual reviews always yielded either
a promotion or a raise, and she had numerous long-standing friendships. But ask
her about incidents at home regarding her marriage and she acted like a dejected
child. She was emotionally aware outside of the home, but inside she regressed
except when it came to the handling of her children. All of them said she was a
fair, caring, supportive, and loving mother.
Repeated trauma. As part of treatment,
Michelle was asked to pick three incidents of abuse: one physical, another
verbal, and the last sexual. She wrote about the events at home and brought it
into the office. Surprisingly, she began each even by blaming herself for how
things happened. She made her contribution equal to his desperate the level of
escalation he achieved. She minimized his contribution and maximized hers. She
was asked to rewrite the stories at her office and this time from a
third-person perspective. The results were amazing. The stories were clearer,
less confused, and much more balanced.
Environment is everything. Even though her husband
had moved out of their home, it was clear Michelle was being triggered. He had
created a toxic environment where everyone, especially her, walked on eggshells
to avoid upsetting him. His narcissism was fed though her constant need to be
aware of his moods and adjust her behavior accordingly. One misstep and he would become violently
enraged. Michelle lived in survival mode with her fight or flight responses
ready at all times. Naturally, she struggled to stop this response.
Hot System Dominance. Michelle’s continual
state of survival mode explained her initial symptoms and ongoing confusion.
Her Sympathetic Nervous System (SNS) which accelerates her heart rate,
constricts blood vessels, and raises blood pressure in order to maximize fuel
availability is turned fully on. This manifests in defensive reactions,
irrational thinking, inattentiveness, fidgetiness, anxiousness, and irritability.
All of which explains her confusion and a diminished executive functioning of
the brain.
Triggers at home. Every time Michelle
comes home and hears a story from her kids about their father, she is triggered
back to her own abuse. She has a physiological reaction that creates an
inability to see things clearly and process solutions. Instead, she shuts down
and hides in her room feeling completely overwhelmed by her situation. She
thought things would get better after the divorce, now they are worse.
The solution. Before Michelle enters her house, she
begins to recite new mantras in conjunction with some deep breathing exercises.
“I am safe.” “I am strong and smart.” “I am present in this moment.” She
becomes mindful of the tension in her body and releases it. As she engages with
her kids, she focuses on patience, compassion, and understanding without
incorporating her desire to rescue or protect. At first, this is exhausting but
over time it becomes more natural. Her SNS is no longer getting activated daily
and she soon finds that her sleep patterns have greatly improved as well.
The result. Michelle’s journey to regain her
cognitive functioning yielded another result: the ability to critically think
though matters systematically and not just emotionally. No longer experiencing
triggers from past abuse, she felt more in control and less under the influence
of her husband’s power. This restored her self-confidence and opened her up to
stronger relationships with others.
While not
all journeys are the same, it is important to properly assess the impact of
repeated trauma in a person’s life. The constant state of fight or flight is
damaging and must be addressed as part of healing.
To schedule an appointment with Christine Hammond, please
call our office at 407-647-7005.
