Loneliness: A Constant Battle Seen with Personality Disorders
By: Christine Hammond LMHC
John
regularly told his wife, Jane, “I feel all alone in this world (within our
family, at my job, or in our neighborhood).” In the beginning of their marriage,
Jane erroneously believed that she could fill that void in his life and went to
great lengths to demonstrate that John was not alone. However, he would have
only temporary relief at best and in most cases, her efforts were never enough
to stop the comments. After ten years of
attempts, Jane became discouraged and gave up trying to satisfy John’s
loneliness needs. This is when John’s loneliness intensified even more. Loneliness
is a common thread in people with a personality disorder (PD).
The
feeling of loneliness is due to three main reasons, all of which are part of
the definition of a PD. First, a person with PD has an inaccurate perception of
reality. So while they might actually
not be alone they tend to feel isolated due to their unique perspective on the
world. Second, their inappropriate and impulsive responses to others
unintentionally push them away. And last, their inflexibility and difficulty
changing their habitual mannerisms makes true intimacy difficult for them and
their partner.
To get a
more accurate understanding of the problem, it is important to distinguish
between the different types of PDs and how loneliness manifests. Only then can
a partner set more balanced expectations. Each of the PDs address: the cause of
the loneliness, how the person with a PD expresses it, and what a partner can
do to neutralize it.
·
Paranoid PD. Their obsessive fear,
both rational and irrational, drives others to run away because the anxiety and
stress is so high. Loneliness feeds the paranoia which causes isolation from
others in an unhealthy relational downward spiral. Partners wanting to
neutralize the effect must not dispute the fears but accept them even if they
are highly improbable.
·
Schizoid PD. Their natural
detachment from others makes it impossible for anyone to get close. This PD
lives hermit like and is not easily discovered. Partners, who are involved even
if at arm’s length, need to protect the PD’s privacy at all costs.
·
Schizotypal PD. Their odd and eccentric
behavior deters most from getting close because of their peculiar thinking. Their
feelings of loneliness are strung together with random events and unrelated
sequences leading to unusual conclusions. Partners should see this pattern as
normal for the PD and resist the urge to tear it to shreds.
·
Antisocial PD (Sociopath
& Psychopath).
Their fantasy of hurting others, threats of harm, and intimidating stares
scares most people away. This PD generally is comfortable feeling alone and
prefers life to be this way. Most expressions of loneliness are actually
attempts to manipulate others. Partners should be on guard.
·
Borderline PD. Their extreme mood
shifts and high emotional tolerance are nearly impossible to match for a person
who does not have Borderline PD. Feelings of loneliness and the fear of
abandonment is sometimes expressed in self-harming or self-injurious behavior.
Partners need to reassure the abandonment fear to neutralize the loneliness.
·
Histrionic PD. Their sexualization of
mundane events and in uncomfortable moments is awkward and unappealing to
others. Typically, this PD seeks out some type of sexual contact to overcome
feelings of loneliness. Partners should encourage this PD to use words, not
their body to express their fears and feelings.
·
Narcissistic PD. Their daily need for
affirmation, attention, adoration, and affection is a tremendous burden for
others to bear. Usually their loneliness is expressed in fits of anger. This is
a strong indication that their needs are not getting met. Partners can reduce
the intensity of the outbursts by supplying the needed attention.
·
Avoidant PD. Their fear of being shamed
by a partner to them causes them to push away their partners which intensifies
isolation. Most of these PDs want relationships and show loneliness through
withdrawal. Of course, this makes matters worse, not better. Partners should
realize that the distance they feel is actually a cry for attention.
·
Dependent PD. Their fear of having to
make decisions alone and need for constant reassurance from others is
exhausting to a partner. Neediness or asking input over mundane decisions is an
indication that this PD is feeling lonely. Partners should resist the urge to
become frustrated by the lack of decision making and find ways to assist
without making the final choice.
·
Obsessive-Compulsive PD. Their insatiable need
to compartmentalize, quantify, and qualify a relationship pushes partners away
who just want to live and enjoy life. Loneliness is often expressed as rigidity
in routine, judgmental comments, and suffocating partners with countless
questions. Partners should resist black-and-white thinking and instead offer
shades of grey as solutions.
·
Passive-Aggressive PD. Their backhanded and
sarcastic way of dealing with confrontation drives others away because they are
unsure of when the next attack will happen. Loneliness, for this PD, is treated
in the same manner as anger by procrastinating, pouting, or conveniently
misplacing needed items of their partners. In response, partners should resist
the urge to become angry but rather use a consistently direct approach.
Because
loneliness is a common thread in every personality disorder, it would be
convenient to have it be considered as part of the definition of the disorder.
This way, the people working or living with a PD might recognize the underlying
disorder sooner so a more balanced approach can be achieved.
To schedule an appointment with Christine Hammond, please
call our office at 407-647-7005.
