How Not to Cope with a Narcissist
By:
Christine Hammond LMHC
Dysfunctional
behavior applies to everyone. It’s not just the narcissist who is flawed in
their perception and responses. The people around them frequently utilize
maladjusted coping mechanisms (or defense mechanisms) in an attempt to handle
the toxic situation or manage the narcissism.
Here are some
real life examples: An employee realizes their boss is a narcissist but
idealizes their success and strives to be just like them. A child knows their
parent is different, controlling, reactionary and demanding but says they are
perfect. A spouse sees the narcissism but minimizes the behavior and makes
excuses for it.
A quick look at types
of defense mechanisms, originally coined by Sigmund Freud and further developed
by Anna Freud and George Eman Vaillant, reveals several which are commonly
found in people who deal with narcissists.
·
Acting out. It frequently backfires when a person
expresses their frustrations to the narcissist about their narcissistic
behavior. So instead, non-narcissists act out their infuriation on others and
avoid the narcissist.
·
Denial. It is far easier to intentionally ignore the red flags of
narcissism than it is to confront the reality. This is commonly done by those
that are narcissistic and don’t want to self-evaluate or those that don’t want
to deal with the consequences of the realization. For instance, they might need
to get a new job or leave the marriage.
·
Dissociation. Eventually the narcissist rages,
completely losing it over a seemingly insignificant matter while verbally
assaulting anyone who is nearby. Those who have grown accustomed to the
outbursts tend to space out during the frenzy and thus dissociate for a brief
period of time.
·
Idealization. By disregarding the negative
characteristics of a narcissist and focusing on their successes, a person
idealizes the narcissist. This coping mechanism has a dual purpose as it also
feeds the narcissist’s need for superiority and affirmation. Thus the person
providing this support becomes a favorite of the narcissist and can be immune
from the majority of the rages.
·
Intellectualizing. Some choose to overthink and explain
away the irrational behavior or the distorted perception of the narcissist.
Usually this comes in the form of excuse making from the narcissist’s past
experiences as justification for the overreaction or falsehood.
·
Projection. Even after the narcissism has been
identified, many continue to wrongly assume that the narcissist will be just as
empathic or remorseful as them. Part of the definition of the disorder is a
lack of empathy or remorse. This doesn’t change just because those around the
narcissist understand the narcissist better. The narcissist still won’t take
the time to see things from other’s point of view.
·
Reaction Formation. Another interesting way of coping with
the narcissist is to continue to cater to the narcissist even when angry with
them. The honest emotion of frustration is not expressed at all and instead is
replaced with feeding the narcissistic ego.
·
Splitting. Once the narcissism is revealed, a
typical response is to divide all narcissists into an evil category while
simultaneously placing all non-narcissists into a good category. This
black-and-white thinking is not productive as many narcissists are not evil and
many non-narcissists are evil.
·
Undoing. When aggressively confronted by a narcissist, a person is
likely to take back an assertive statement regardless of the accuracy. In an
effort to keep the peace, a person assumes that by undoing what was said,
things will return to normal. They won’t. The narcissist continues to remember
the incident and will bring it up whenever it can be utilized for their
benefit.
·
Upward social comparison. Part of narcissism is that they believe
they are better than others and then highlighting the failures of those they
feel are beneath them. This constant game of comparison feeds the ego. Those
who endorse or support that philosophy are engaging in like behavior though
upward social comparison.
·
Wishful thinking. The last and possibly the saddest of
the coping mechanisms is hoping the narcissist will change. While some can
change, only if they choose and perceive a benefit for doing so, most won’t.
This wishful thinking can paralyze a person from making positive personal life
choices.
These defense
mechanisms prevent a person from dealing with the reality of narcissism and its
effects. As long as there are coping strategies in place, the narcissist is
able to escape responsibility.
To schedule an appointment with Christine Hammond, please call our
office at 407-647-7005.
