The Primary Purpose of Parenting
By: Christine Hammond, LMHC
The
primary purpose of parenting is to raise fully functional adults who can take
care of themselves and make a positive contribution to society. Generally
speaking, this should be accomplished by eighteen. After this age, parents have
less verbal influence but can still be a positive role model through actions,
not words.
It
is with intention that marriage and family are not mentioned. According to Erik
Erikson’s Eight Stages of Psychosocial Development, the sixth stage, Intimacy
vs. Isolation, does not begin until after eighteen. A person needs the
successful outcome of the prior stage first, Identity vs. Confusion, which is realized
in the teen years. When an adult understands who they are separate from their family
and peers, they can then form a heathy attachment to another person.
Here
are ten examples of a fully functional adult. This list is not meant to be
inclusive or exclusive; rather it is a spring board for discussion.
1. Value
of hard work. There are
many ways hard work can be taught: sports, drama, school, music, chores, and
part-time employment are a few examples. The important lesson is that talent
will only take a person so far; dedication, devotion, and determination will take
them farther. It takes perseverance to struggle through the difficulties of a
task to its successful completion. The work however must be done by the child
and not the parent in order to gain the full benefit.
2. Get
along with others. This
lesson is generally taught in kindergarten but is forgotten in the tween years.
As teens, they tend to segregate into like groups: nerds, jocks, artsy, drama,
academics, and other categories. This concept is helpful in the development of
peer identity but can create distaste for those outside their group. Parents
should reinforce the kindergarten philosophy and downplay the seclusion.
3. Spend
money wisely. This
essential element is best taught through modeling. Children who understand that
the family budget has been spent and there is no more money between now and the
next pay cycle will have an easier time adjusting to their working adult life.
Some parents want to spare their children from knowing just how tight things
are or how much things cost. This philosophy brings shock and overwhelming
feelings the adult-child. Sometimes, the result is a passive-aggressive
approach to work/budget where they would rather not do anything at all then
have to live without.
4. Good
home economics. It is a
shame that most schools no longer teach the basics of good home economics.
Rather, the instruction is left to parents who may or may not have healthy
habits. By the time a child reaches high school, they should be doing their own
laundry, cleaning the bathroom, making their own meals, creating a balanced
diet, picking up after themselves, contributing to household chores, ironing
their clothes, able to sew on a button, capable of minor repairs, skilled in
auto care, purchasing their clothing, and living within a budget. Those who are
not taught these lessons tend to retreat home to be taken care of by a parent.
5. Positive
self-care. Most children
will experience at least one major crisis, trauma, abuse, death, or accident
during their childhood. How these incidents are handled by the parent greatly
determines the lessons the child learns about intense emotions such as anger,
anxiety, depression, guilt, shame, and inferiority. Positive self-care teaches
a child proper management and coping skills for dealing with the difficulties
in life. For instance, parents who model the ability to get angry without
reacting poorly teach the child proper care. This is not about denying
emotions, thoughts or events; rather, it is about a successful expression
without harm to self or others.
6. Set
and achieve goals. A
good practice at the beginning of the school year is to encourage children to
set a personal goal for the upcoming year. Parents should not be the ones to
set the goal. A child who achieves a goal they set for themselves receives a
much greater satisfaction then those who achieve goals set by others. Parents
can however assist the child in breaking down the goal from a year to monthly
steps and then to daily actions. This reinforces the concept that goals are
only accomplished one small step at a time.
7. Strong
ethical values. This is
not about memorizing a bunch of rules or values. It is about understanding the
importance of ethics in every aspect of life. There are ethics at school (no
cheating), at a store (no stealing), at home (no lying), and in a neighborhood
(no destruction of property). For each of these basic values, a child should be
instructed in why these guidelines are in place. The words, “because I said
so,” are not sufficient in understanding. The lack of direction in this area
creates adults who are oppositional or resistant to authority.
8. History
of family. This is not a
popular topic in our culture but is extremely helpful in establishing a sense
of belonging. For every family, there are cultural or historical aspects that
define the family for the better or the worst. Trying to “protect” a child from
the bad aspects, disorders, or events of the family tree does not help them.
Explaining that divorce, heart disease, depression, addiction, or a personality
disorder runs in the family can actually provide relief to a child who might
already be experiencing the early warning signs. Of course the positive aspect
of a family is equally important such as courage, faith, determination,
perseverance, commitment, loyalty, and professions/talents specific to the
family.
9. Spiritual
development. All of the
answers to faith do not have to be understood at this point. The essential part
is that a person realizes they are a small part of a large life in which they
are not at the center. Along with this should come knowledge of their own faith
as well as a respect for other’s faith. Respect and agreement are two different
matters. A person can respect the opinion of someone else without agreeing with
them. Parents have a unique position to positively encourage spiritual growth
without forcing it on their child.
10. Giving
back. From a social
developmental aspect, this generally is not fully realized until much later in
life. However, the seeds of giving back to others must be sown early on for
generativity in mid-life to stick. This also reinforces the notion that not
everyone has exactly the same advantage as others which assists in the
development of empathy and compassion. Generosity should not be forced but
explained with allowances given to where the child’s heart might be at the
moment.
When
parents strive to teach their child in these ten items, the child develops a
healthy perspective of their world, themselves in the world, and their
family.
407-647-7005.