7 Steps in Healing From a Narcissistic Parent
By: Christine Hammond, LMHC
Healing from a
narcissistic parent has a positive effect on all of the other close
relationships in a person’s life. The distorted perception of reality a
narcissistic parent imposes on a child can have damaging consequences as an
adult at work and home. The lack of
self-esteem, obsessive thinking, minimization of abuse, excessive anxiety, and
fear based reactions are common among adult children of narcissists. By
addressing the impact of narcissism, a person finds relief. Here are the seven
steps towards healing:
1. Recognize
Narcissistic Behavior.
The first step in the healing process is to admit that there is something wrong
with a parent’s behavior. A person can’t recover from something they refuse to
acknowledge. Most narcissistic parents pick a favorite child, the “golden
child,” who is treated as if they walk on water. The other children are
frequently treated as inferior through belittlement, comparing, ignoring and
even neglect. Occasionally, the parent switches their favoritism depending on
the performance of child. The key to remember is that narcissistic parents see
child as an extension of themselves so they take credit for the successes and
reject the child who fails.
2. Study
Narcissism. Once the
narcissism is identified, it is important to gain an education about the
disorder and how it affects the entire family system. Narcissism is part
biology and part environment. So chances are there might be other narcissists
or personality disorders in family. The environment can further draw out the
narcissism in a child which is cemented by age eighteen. Become familiar with
the signs and symptoms of narcissism and begin to pick out the other
narcissists.
3. Connect
the Dots. This next step
will be easy in the beginning but becomes more difficult as the impact of the
narcissism is realized. For each individual sign and symptom of narcissism,
recall several examples in childhood and adulthood when the behavior is
evident. It helps to write these down for reference later. The more time that
is spent doing the step, the greater the impact of the healing. Recollect both
positive and negative events that resulted out of the narcissism.
4. Identify
the Abusive Behavior.
During the previous step, it is highly likely that some abusive behavior on the
part of the narcissistic parent became evident. Abuse for a child can be
physical (restraint, aggression), mental (gaslighting, silent treatment),
verbal (raging, interrogating), emotional (nitpicking, guilt tripping),
financial (neglect, excessive gifting), spiritual (dichotomous thinking,
legalism), and sexual (molestation, humiliation). Not every event requires
trauma therapy but some of them might, depending on the frequency and severity.
5. Release
the Anger. Anger is a
natural response after the dots have been connected and the abuse has been
identified. It is hard to believe that a parent who should be loving and kind
would do the things they have done. Whatever glorified image a person had of
their narcissistic parent is now completely shattered. Sometimes the anger is
projected on the other parent for not fully protecting their child from the
trauma. Or the anger is internalized for not realizing or confronting sooner.
It is important to release the anger in a healthy manner such as physical
activity, crying or venting to a safe friend.
6. Gain
Perspective. This is a
good place to step back for a while to gain a better perspective. Begin by
reflecting on how the narcissistic parent’s distorted image of the world and
people shaped current beliefs. Then drill downwards towards the vows or
promises that were made internally as a result of the narcissism or abuse.
Counteract the distorted images, vows, or promises with a newly gained
perspective of reality. This essential step frees a person from the
narcissistic lies and false truths.
7.
Move Forward. The past cannot be changed, only
understood. When forgiveness is genuine, it has a powerful transformational
effect. Remember, forgiveness is for the forgiver not the offender. It is
better to honestly forgive in small chunks at a time, rather than granting
blanket forgiveness. This allows room for other future or past offenses to be
realized and worked through in a thorough manner.
After doing all
of these steps, it will be far easier to identify other narcissists at work or
in the community. No longer will their dysfunctional behavior generate instant
anxiety or frustration. Rather, the narcissist will be disarmed because their
behavior no longer has an intimidating effect.
To schedule an
appointment with Christine Hammond, please call our office at
407-647-7005.
