The Narcissistic Family: A Narcissist, an Exhausted Spouse, and an Anxious Child
By: Christine Hammond, LMHC
The level of stress surrounding a narcissistic family is
intense from the inside and picture perfect from the outside. As a member of
the family (narcissists excluded), there is a constant state of walking on
eggshells, questioning what did or did not happen, and minimizing personal
feelings while elevating the narcissist’s feelings. From the outside looking
in, the family seems to function perfectly in-tune and any hint of issue is
immediately discounted. The extreme divide between the two existences is rarely
addressed and almost always is denied.
This leaves the family in a continual state of uncertainty,
insecurity, depression, and fear. But the narcissist won’t hear of any such
negativity and most definitely won’t accept any responsibility for the issues.
Any attempt to reach an outsider is quickly met with further alienation from
the narcissist, accusations of betrayal, or gaslighting. So what can a person
in such a family do? It must begin by taking off the narcissistic colored
glasses and seeing things the way they really are.
The
Narcissist. A narcissist is narcissistic. They have been
that way in the past, are that way now and will most likely be that way in the
future. Not that someone cannot change, they can. They just have to believe
that they need to, listen to the advice of others, and then do the work to get
there.
Real change happens slowly over a period of time. Anyone
claiming an instant change in personality without allowing long periods of time
to prove the change has not really changed. Stop expecting or hoping the
narcissist will change, it is not that likely.
The
Exhausted Spouse. Usually the exhausted spouse is a co-dependent or
dependent personality disorder. These are the two main types of personalities
who will even put up with a quick-sand type of environment. The narcissist
needs a regular feeding of attention, affection, admiration and adoration.
These two personalities are the ones most likely to give such a high demand
with expecting it in return.
Most spouses spend significant chunks of the day cleaning up
after the relational mess the narcissist leaves behind. There are friends to
apologize to, children to console, neighbors to minimize the overheard
outburst, and family to discount the latest narcissist rant. Then there are excuses
to be given for insensitivity, employers/employees to mitigate any conflict,
and forgiveness on behalf of the narcissist to be sought. After all that is
done, the exhausted spouse pulls themselves together to maintain the perfect
storybook image the narcissist demands.
Eventually this task becomes too great and the spouse stops
cleaning up the messes. This angers the narcissist even more with threats of
leaving because the spouse is no longer living up to the narcissistic standard.
The spouse must choose a boundary and stick to it. Despite the ranting of the
narcissist, they are not that likely to leave unless they can look like the
victim.
The
Anxious Children. The children of a narcissist are divided into
two categories: the golden one and the others. There really is no rhyme or
reason the narcissist singles out one child over the other. It can be because
of personality similarities, a willingness to admire the parent
unconditionally, the same gender or similar interests.
The golden child is perfect and can do no wrong in the
narcissist’s eyes. For some reason, the golden child feeds the ego of the
narcissist, either consciously or subconsciously. The golden child is often elevated
to an unhealthy level than can encourage future narcissistic behavior. Even
when the exhausted spouse corrects the golden child for a real error in
judgement, the narcissist will come to the child’s rescue and bash the spouse. The
child knows they are chosen and becomes anxious at the thought of losing the
status and being reduced to the other child.
The other child knows they are not the favorite. Some form
their identity around not being chosen and even relish in a change to embarrass
the narcissist. For the most part, they are in a constant state of depression,
vengefulness, resentment, anger, and anxiety. The more outward they can express
it and hopefully humiliate the narcissist as a result, the better they feel.
Ironically, by trying to be the anti-narcissist, they can become more like
them. They also tend to be hyper protective of the exhausted parent, even
beyond the parent’s self-preservation nature. The other child is on constant
guard which breeds excessive anxiety.
