Parent's Guide to Overcome Childhood Fears
By: Dwight Bain, LMHC
Fear is a normal part of childhood – learning how to manage it is
an important part of growing up.
Everyone feels fear. From six years old to sixty people worry and
feel afraid. There are classic symptoms all children face, (listed below), which
are indicators of the levels of anxiety a child may be facing. And did you know
fear is such a common theme that the Bible has over 300 verses dedicated to
facing fear and not staying afraid?
Emotional maturity takes place when a child learns to face their
fears by managing these negative emotions through talking, praying, writing
them out in words, drawings or other expressive arts. The more a child can
learn to ‘replace’ their fears with facts or faith, the more
confidence she will gain, and when she can learn the power of deep truth, like, “Be strong and courageous. Do not fear... for it is the
LORD your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake
you”.(Deuteronomy 31:6) When anxiety and fear is replaced
by greater faith a child begins to grow into the confident adult they were
designed to be.
What does childhood fear look like?
Feeling afraid is a normal part of childhood, and can even be a
protective emotion that can be an early alarm to warn of danger. The challenge
is when a child feels anxious or nervous for no apparent reason, because those
insecurities feed their fears as their confidence diminishes, leading to
feeling weak and scared instead of developing greater self-confidence and
emotional security. Because so many new experiences for children are tied to
their school or sports performance, anxiety becomes a major roadblock for
academic or social activities, and for some children will become a major
roadblock in their personality development.
Is Childhood Anxiety Normal?
The short answer is yes. Researchers have found that up to 90% of children ages 2-14 feel some degree of being anxious at specific circumstances or experiences. These emotions are a normal part of their expanding world. Children who lack the ability to flow with these fears can become immobilized and unable to function or move forward. This becomes a real problem for more introverted or insecure children who remain silent when scared. That is why tuned in parents find ways to help their children manage emotions. A simple illustration of this process can be seen in the Disney/Pixar film “Inside Out” (http://movies.disney.com/inside-out ) which demonstrates in very simple ways how a child thinks, and more importantly how to take control of negative emotions by replacing fears or sadness with greater joy.
Can my Child’s fears Affect their Health?
Absolutely; when a child is overwhelmed by negative fears and doubts it can affect them in many ways, including physical symptoms like excessive sweating, tummy aches, headaches, bladder or bowel challenges, racing heartbeat or the complete inability to fall asleep at night. When a child learns how to flow with the normal emotions of childhood, especially new experiences, (remember how scared you were on the first day of school?) they mature and grow into the next stage of their development.
Absolutely; when a child is overwhelmed by negative fears and doubts it can affect them in many ways, including physical symptoms like excessive sweating, tummy aches, headaches, bladder or bowel challenges, racing heartbeat or the complete inability to fall asleep at night. When a child learns how to flow with the normal emotions of childhood, especially new experiences, (remember how scared you were on the first day of school?) they mature and grow into the next stage of their development.
Common Childhood Fears and Anxieties
Birth to 2 years, (Toddlers) are scared by
loud noises, separation from parents, strangers, some large objects or costumed
characters can also create fears at this age
3 to 6 years, (Preschoolers) are scared by
fearful imaginations like monsters, ghosts, masks, shadows, the dark, sleeping
alone, meeting new pets – especially large ones like dogs and extreme weather
such as thunder and lightning
7 to 16 years, (School age) have increased
fears across many areas like being left home alone, experiencing a parent or
teachers anger, illness, shots, dentists, fear of parents divorce, spiders,
snakes, bullies, peer rejection, failing at school and the more realistic fears
of harm such as automobile accidents, someone in the family on drugs/alcohol,
bullies and world events like terrorism.
Manage these fears with Replacement Routines
Birth to Toddlers need security and predictability.
Have routines, rituals and similar patterns like bedtime, meals or story time
or singing the same lullabies to create a predictable environment. Limiting the
number of people who are in very close contact can help avoid a child being over
stimulated.
Preschoolers need guidance on controlling their
expanding imagination to know there are more than just monsters in the dark.
They can learn to use their wonderful imagination to think of what isn’t in the
dark, or what isn’t at the bottom of the lake. It’s just as easy to think ahead
together about what is good, pure and right as it is things which are negative
or hostile. Here is where parental example can shine in modeling and teaching
self-control.
School age children are faced with incredible
pressures from grades, to peers, to parents to rejection, to body-image to
their parent’s marriages to loss of a home in foreclosure to theft or crime or
school shooters. It can be an overwhelming time, so it is especially important
to manage growing fear with growing faith and positive coping skills. Children
in this group may benefit with professional counseling if anxiety symptoms
become unmanageable.
Managing Fear with Maturity and Faith
At any age you can help a child understand the source of their
fears, and when possible to use the phrase, “If you can talk through it
you can get through it” so they can let their parents know what is
going on inside. Here are some other techniques to guide your child out of fear
by managing feelings with facts so they can grow past their fear with greater
faith.
A simple way for younger children is to have them draw two
pictures. One of them in the fearful situation, then to replace that fear in a
second drawing showing them in a picture overcoming their fear. Some children
respond better through writing, so helping them craft journals, prayer lists or
even a happiness list of where they replace their fearful thoughts with happy
and peaceful ones. Simple steps can take emotions bottled up inside in a new
direction, which helps the child feel stronger and the parent feel more
connected to their son or daughter.
Sharing stories of how you managed childhood fears are a good
conversation starter, but it’s just to create a connection that you are human
too. The goal is for the child to express what’s inside and to know her parents
understand how she feels. Keep it short and ask the question, “what else” to
allow her to express as many negative emotions as possible so they don’t stay
inside where they can hurt her.
Telling a child they have nothing to fear doesn’t actually make
their fears go away – it makes things worse s0 learn to validate his emotions
as ‘normal’ to help him move through the anxiety since all other kids his age
are facing some of the same fears, (remember oral reports in English
class – terrifying!)
Be creative with stories, films, songs, books or even stories of
how your parents or grandparents faced major fears. Courage isn’t the absence
of fear – it’s feeling the fear and moving forward. A girl who knows how strong
her grandmother was in similar circumstances will find greater strength for a
lifetime when she knows that strength runs in her family tree.
Drawing, prayer, music, scriptures, expressive arts, sports, youth
group, even role playing with stuffed animals can help a child move past their
fears. Try it all with a single goal in mind – how can I help my son or
daughter get stronger?
Some fears may always be present, like public speaking, so focus
on the things your child can control like her emotions. Learning to replace
fear with facts, (Wikipedia says that millions of other people are just as
scared as I was when facing the same situation), or replacing fear
with greater faith like this promise from Isaiah 41:10, “So do not
fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will
strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”
Mastering the journey from childlike fear to adult like faith is
what we would want for our children at any stage of life. Learning how to
manage fear is the path to a life of confidence and calm. It’s a good path, but
uphill all the way so let me challenge you to get started.
About the Author – Dwight Bain is an
author, counselor and certified life coach who helps people manage major
change. Follow his daily posts for wisdom on Twitter or Instagram @DwightBain
or www.Facebook.com/DwightBain www.LinkedIn.com/DwightBainwww.YouTube.com/DwightBain or
at his blog, accessible through www.LifeworksGroup.org