The Five Do's and Don'ts After a Relationship Ends
By: Matthew Sandford, LMHC
When a marriage or relationship is over there is of course a
lot of heartache, upheaval, and a strong longing for normalcy. The longing to
not be in pain and to have stability again can lead anyone towards some poor
choices. Let’s look us some of those decisions that can turn out to be
detrimental or damaging, and then I’ll offer some suggestions for healthier
alternatives.
1.
Using
Substances
Putting something in one’s body to alter
their mood and enable them to go numb or avoid pain is an approach that has
been around for thousands of years. And
although it provides absolutely nothing productive in the long term, it
continues to be the go-to coping strategy for many. Look, if you have say one
or two bad nights in which you cope by getting buzzed, it isn’t the end of the
world (as long as you don’t drive or do something stupid, I guess I mean do
something else stupid or dangerous).
The problem is that when this approach seems to help ward off those sad or
painful feelings, and you don’t have a better idea, then you may find yourself
using it more than those one or two times. And that’s bad. Coming to rely on
substances to cope or get through a day is not the way to live and not the way
to overcome or grow or move on or get normalcy back.
2.
Isolation
It is not uncommon to be in an
uncomfortable place with one’s friends and family. Maybe they have judged you
or been unsupportive through the process?
Maybe they have been supportive ‘in their way’, but it feels trite or
more about lectures and lots of advice giving? Or maybe it feels like they are
now patronizing in their support? Maybe it’s none of those, but it just doesn’t
feel like it used to? But whatever it is, you find yourself retreating from
social interaction. Again, having a couple of times in which you chose to be
alone is not really a big deal. It’s when you’ve gone weeks and you’re state of
mind and mood is drawing more inward and more down in the dumps. The issue is
that isolation can feed itself and cause you to drift farther and farther away
from the support and resources that could help you.
3.
Emotional
Flooding
This is about getting sucked into the heartache and loss and fear and being overwhelmed with negative thoughts. It often piggy-backs on isolation, doesn’t it? So, this is another reason that isolation is unproductive – it often leads to depressing places – and we can get flooded with the pain.
This is about getting sucked into the heartache and loss and fear and being overwhelmed with negative thoughts. It often piggy-backs on isolation, doesn’t it? So, this is another reason that isolation is unproductive – it often leads to depressing places – and we can get flooded with the pain.
4.
Revenge
Seeking
Whether
in isolation or with those friends who join us in “hating” on the ex, we can be
drawn into our hurt and anger in such a way that it feels satisfying to
contemplate the other’s downfall. We relish them hurting the way they have hurt
us. It feels right. We may even begin
to think of ways to actively make it happen. But even if it goes not farther
than cooking up scenarios in our heads, it is unhealthy and won’t help us to
move on or heal. This kind of rumination feeds our hurt and anger rather than
leading to resolution.
5.
Find
Someone New
Another tried and true method is the
“rebound relationship”. Maybe the thinking is that I will fill the void, or
maybe one believes that they have moved on and they are ready for someone else?
Or sometimes, there is a piece in there that wants to send the message to the
person who ended things that I am fine without you – and the thought is that
the best way to send that message is to be with someone else (along with maybe
just a little revenge motivation). Often
it is simply motivated by the thought that I deserve to be happy.
But there’s the problem. The notion that
jumping into another relationship will fill the void or make me happy is
unfortunately misguided. I am not trying to rain on your parade. Just the
opposite. I want to prevent you from more heartache. Most of these
relationships do not last and do not turn out to be satisfying. One reason for
that is because when you have these types of motivations, your ability to choose
a partner is skewed. Because you are looking for gratification you are more
likely to seek out someone who makes you feel good. And selfishness and being
emotionally needy are a lousy basis for relationship building. Besides, the
only people who would be willing to be used by someone in this way are probably
driven by their own self serving motivations, or they are conditioned for being
taken advantage of or rescuing lost puppies.
Now that I have popped your balloon and taken away all your
regular coping – let me suggest some alternatives that I believe will be more
productive and healthier and help you to truly move on.
1.
Develop
Your Self Care
Learn to take care of yourself. You heart
has been through the ringer. Tune in to what you need to reestablish
equilibrium in your life. Elsewhere I have written about the Four Legs of The
Stool of Self Care. Check it out
here:
http://counselingmatters.org/2013/08/04/self-care-is-really-just-self-ish-right/
2.
Focus
on Building Healthy Relationship
Yes, there is this depressive pull towards
isolation and self pity. You’ve got o fight it. One way is through supportive,
healthy relationships. Some of this requires you to have some safe people in
your life. Some of that means people who won’t judge or lecture or give trite
advice. They have decent listening skills and you trust that they won’t gossip.
They believe in you and they don’t try to “fix” you.
3.
Grieve
We don’t do grief very well in our culture.
But grieving is the healthy way to process through our losses and come out the
other side, able to move on. Grieving means to not stuff or deny or avoid our
feelings, but to feel them, to acknowledged the hurt and its impact on us,
without becoming lost in it. You see, avoiding our pain keeps us trapped in it,
but feeling it and processing it (with those safe people) is how we can move
through it and come out the other side. This takes time and can be draining.
That is another reason we need that support. Grieve work is hard; don’t do it
on your own.
4.
Get
Involved
Something else we need is to stay connected
to the world and to people; the opposite of isolation. Support is vital. But we
will also really benefit from engaging in something bigger or beyond ourselves.
Find a place to help others, serve, give, encourage, etc. It will keep us
grounded and remind us that life is more than our problems, and will keep our
pain in perspective.
5.
Grow
At some point, we will greatly benefit from
reflecting on the relationship and what I can learn and grow from it. What went
well and what went badly? In what ways did I contribute to what went well and
what did not go well (without beating yourself up)? We can grow through our
hurts and losses. My encouragement on this is that you don’t need to jump to
this point in the process too quickly. Get the others going first. Growth often
follows a good grieving process (or in conjunction with it). But growth can
also be emotionally taxing, so you’ll want these healthy elements in place to
be able to hold up under it.
Relationships can be hard, even when they are going pretty
well. We are relational beings; made for relationships. But the end of a
relationship, although difficult, can lead to a process that is healing and
helps us to grow and become better people; better for ourselves and better for
all our relationships.
Matt Sandford is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor and has
been counseling for 8 years. Previously he worked in student ministry for 14
years, including two years in China. He has been married for 21 years and he
and his wife are raising twins.