The Lifeworks Group, Inc.

By Matt W. Sandford, LMHC Sometimes folks come to me and we are working on something and inevitably their past comes up. It could be about some kind of mistreatment or abuse or of some dysfunction in their past environment. And there is of course the “stuff” inside us that relates to our experience of our parents and family. And pretty often we end up landing on a person’s young adult life choices, including sexual promiscuousness. Most feel a sense of shame and guilt about those choices and don’t want to talk about it. So, I thought maybe it would help if I were to write about it and provide some insight into how to approach these past issues. I was reading recently about the prophet Jeremiah in the Old Testament of the Bible. There is a section in which he observes a potter working on making a pot. He forms a pot, but it collapses due to some weakness in the structure. But instead of the potter throwing it away and starting with new clay, he picks up the pieces and mashes them...

By: Matthew Sandford, LMHC When a marriage or relationship is over there is of course a lot of heartache, upheaval, and a strong longing for normalcy. The longing to not be in pain and to have stability again can lead anyone towards some poor choices. Let’s look us some of those decisions that can turn out to be detrimental or damaging, and then I’ll offer some suggestions for healthier alternatives. 1.      Using Substances Putting something in one’s body to alter their mood and enable them to go numb or avoid pain is an approach that has been around for thousands of years.  And although it provides absolutely nothing productive in the long term, it continues to be the go-to coping strategy for many. Look, if you have say one or two bad nights in which you cope by getting buzzed, it isn’t the end of the world (as long as you don’t drive or do something stupid, I guess I mean do something else stupid or dangerous). The problem is that when this appro...

By Matt W. Sandford, LMHC So, I was driving into work today and I took some back roads so to speak. On the way a car in front of me had signaled to turn right and slowed down and then slowed all the way to a stop, without turning, so that they were sitting in the lane in front of me. I did what seemed wise, since no cars were coming and chose to go around them. But, as I went past the driver of this car became very upset at me and laid on his horn. He continued to stay there in the road and fumed at me as I went along up the road. It got me to wondering, “what the heck was that about?” I reviewed myself and could not think of how I had deeply offended him that would provoke this level of response. I have had my share of irate and rather crazy people on the road. I’ve had a young man get out of his car and threatened to fight me while I was pumping gas at a gas station. I’ve had a water bottle thrown at my car. I’ve had someone spit on my windshield. I’ve had a bike rider bang on...

By Matt W. Sandford, LMHC How many of you have bought into it; that is, what the media represents sex to be? You know, they portray sex to be a wildly exciting and fun activity that you can do with anyone and that the more you do it the more exciting and fun it is. And, after that opening sentence, if you now expect that I am about to lecture you about the evils of sex, then I’ve got you right where I want you! Because remember – I’ve got a secret. And that secret is not that sex is evil or that everyone who is enjoying it needs to Stop Right Now! Sex isn’t bad or sinful. The problem isn’t that the media and the culture have made sex so prominent. The problem is that the media and the culture don’t know what sex is about and so they misrepresent its essence . And when you don’t understand the essence of a thing, like say using a fire hydrant to take a shower, then you undermine its value and you lose out on the blessing. You see, what I am saying is not that the culture loves...

By: Matt W. Sandford, LMHC “Grow up!” people will say, usually when you are doing something that annoys them. But I wonder how skilled you are at actually identifying immaturity? I wonder this because of the frequency in which I encounter folks who have gotten into a relationship with someone and they can’t understand why the other person does what they do, or why they have the conflicts they do, or why the relationship is so on and off, or why they can’t seem to work some things out. And so I started to wonder if some ‘immaturity-spotting skills’ would be worthwhile. Let me offer a general concept and then flesh it out. Keep in mind, there are many ways to view maturity and this is just one perspective. Generally, we can find immaturity living on the edges of the continuum of some characteristic, meaning either too little or too much of something. Maturity is often developed through learning a balanced perspective.  This is not a comprehensive list, but rather intended to get...

By Matt W. Sandford, LMHC When we were young people probably asked us what we wanted to be when we grew up. And I think for most of us, when we think back on how we answered we chuckle about it. Childrens’ answers to this question can be fanciful, and have nothing to do with the concept of a good “fit”. But what constitutes a good fit? And how can we expect to find satisfaction in life if our job is more a fight than a good fit? What can we do? I believe that in some ways we are conditioned in our culture to conceive of finding a “good job” in specific ways, such as: it is something I am good at, it is something I like doing, it is something that pays well, and it is something that is respected by others. Our parents and families were likely highly invested in us finding a “good job” and so the expectations were there hovering over us. And with the cultural and family expectations doing their job, many of us pursued what we hoped would be a “fitting” career. We worked hard thr...

By Matt W. Sandford, LMHC We’ve all seen enough movies to have a glamorous view of the heights of romantic love. And many of us have had that experience of falling into the heady swoon of being caught up in love. But then, you get married. I’m kidding, although there is sort of a ring of truth in that as well, isn’t there? There are all kinds of reasons for this change, some good and some not so good. Some of the reasons are just due to stages of life, like having children for instance, and some are surely due to outside factors and stress level. Let’s take a look at some of the common causes and then review how you can combat then. 1.       Life is really busy, and stressed filled and romance falls by the wayside, or I just don’t have the energy to pursue it. 2.       We have small kids. Duh! We can barely make it through it each day. 3.       There are resentments or disappointments be...