Spending Money Under the Influence of Marriage
By Brian Murray and Christine Hammond
Saturday morning drinking coffee and eating breakfast
together.
Her. [Ok so I need to go get a new pair of shoes
today but if I tell him what I’m up to he will start in on me about spending
too much money again. But I need these
shoes so I think I’ll find out when he is leaving and then I’ll escape and buy
them before he gets back. He’ll never
know the difference cause he can’t even tell when I get a new haircut.] “So honey, what are you doing today? Do you have any plans?”
Him. [Here she goes with that leading question
again; she’s going to force me to go for the bait. I wonder what she wants now.] “I’m not sure, what’s on your mind?”
Her. [Darn,
I was hoping for an easy out. Why can’t
he just go play golf with his buddies like all the other husbands? Now what am I going to say that will get me
out of the house without him suspecting anything is up? Could he put more cream cheese on that
bagel? You can’t even tell there is a
bagel underneath it, it looks like thick frosting. Gross.]
“Well, I have to go to the grocery store and I know how much you hate to
do that so I was trying to plan around your day.”
Him. [Just get to the damn point.] “I really don’t have any plans, I’ll go with
you.”
Her. [Ugh!
I’m like Lucy trying to pull the football from Charlie Brown and instead
he is coming up behind me. Great, now
I’m not going to get those shoes that were so perfect for my outfit on Sunday
night. He’ll never let me spend the
money now. I know, maybe I can get him to go to Bass Pro Shop and then he will
be more willing to let me get the shoes.
Hmm, that might work.] “Yea,
I’m so glad that you can come maybe we can stop by a couple of stores on the
way. The Bass Pro Shop is on the way.”
Him. [On the way to where.] “Sounds like you want to go somewhere
else so why don’t we hit that on the way back.
Now where are we going?”
Her. [Good time to shove some bagel in my mouth
that will give a minute to think about what I’m going to say now. If I tell him about the shoes, he’ll say
no. If I try to go later, he’ll catch me
cause he has his full guard up now. If I
don’t tell him something, he’ll say I’m lying.
Either way I’m stuck. The only
thing that will fix this is sex but I’m not really interested now. Great, I’ll just tell him what is going on.] “Remember that cute little outfit I got for
Sunday night? Well there were these great
shoes on sale for today only and I wanted to stop by and pick them up really
quickly.”
Him. [I’m
never going to get to buy a boat.] “You’ve
already spent $200 on this outfit, how much more is it going to take?”
Her. [Boy I’m glad that he thinks I’ve only spent
$200 because it was much more than that but the outfit is so perfect and I
really wanted it. Let’s see, if I say
the sale price is $50 then I can spend the other $20 on something else.] “It’s
only $50.
Him. [This woman must think that I’m a walking
ATM machine.] “You always spend
money on your clothes, when do I get to spend money on my stuff?”
Where is this going? Often
in a marriage there are two perspectives in a situation and coming to an
understanding of the other person’s point of view can be a challenging process
especially when what is thought is often not what is said. It’s kind of like shooting at a moving
target, just when you think have your aim, the target moves. Let’s explore how each spouse could have
better handled the situation before, during and after.
Before. It’s not about the shoes or the boat. It’s about financial wants and needs not
getting met or in this case not even properly communicated. Long before the outfit or boat is purchased,
the couple needs to sit down and discuss their preferences. It is natural for one person to be a spender
and the other person to be a saver and while both have their place in a
marriage both need to tolerate the other person’s desires.
During. When a conversation is treated like a game of
chess, it amounts to nothing more than a game of manipulation and control in
your marriage. Trying to checkmate your
spouse and back them into a corner will cause them to come out fighting. Instead, be honest in your awareness of their
avoidance and address it honestly.
After. Create a financial plan where each person
feels they are getting their needs met along with some of their wants without
feeling as if they are being left out.
Communicate any changes in the plan as your priorities are likely to
change over time. If necessary, create
separate spending accounts for each person.
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