The Lifeworks Group, Inc.

A relationship strengthening guide for intimate connections By: Dwight Bain LMHC  Can a stuffed animal with a romantic message solve a relationship problem? Nope. Neither can a trip to the jewelry store, boxes of chocolate, sappy cards, balloons or vases of expensive flowers… none of these can fix a distant, damaged or dying relationship. But the VASE can.   Let me explain why. Relationships take work. There is no easy way to achieve closeness and connection on an intimate level without time, talking and gentle touch. It can’t be done. We’ve all seen the commercials about a couple having a romantic exchange in a restaurant as the waiter brings them a special dessert with a diamond ring attached to a note that says, “ Marry me”.   But as a counselor of more than 30 years I can tell you if that couple were distant or detached from each other before they got to the restaurant the jewelry would only be a shiny trinket that didn’t repair hurt, selfishne...

By Matt W. Sandford, LMHC Financial stress is about as common as Geico commercials, just much more annoying. The commercials are short and sometimes funny. Not so with most financial challenges and the stress they produce. However, I’d like to propose that there are three types of stress responses associated with financial difficulty, based not on someone’s situation as much as on their perceptions about their situation. I’m going to break down these three types and then offer my take on how to address each one. The first type looks over the basic situation of amounts coming in and going out. They tally up the numbers and see the shortfall. They also look around at all the things that are missing from their homes or lives or environment and they compare to what the other families around them have. “Wow, my kids don’t have those new phones, or that new thing that they’ve been bugging me about. They say everyone has one. And it probably would help them with their school ...

    By Laura Hull, LMFT Coping Coach   Disillusioned? Disgruntled? Doggone tired of worrying about financial issues, both of a personal nature and for the country as a whole?   You are not alone…. There’s a choir of worrying handwringers waiting to join hands with you, while singing of the plight of “Gina and Tommy” in a verse of “Living on a Prayer” (80’s hair and all).   As much as songwriters like to write songs about the romantic notion of “all you need is love” and “we’ll live on love”, the rest of us who live in the real world know all too well about the financial pain many are experiencing and the worry and fear that go along with it.   A government shutdown created by the bickering of those some would argue are fat cat politicians does not conjure up positive feelings or hopeful sentiment from a large population of people who are struggling financially in their day to day lives.   While 800,000 government workers are seeing their...

Brian M. Murray, MS, IMH There is a type of addiction that exists that is commonly and affectionately, referred to as “shop-a-holism.” While it may sound like a term of endearment on the surface, there are some people who strongly identify with it and have serious problems with spending money. So what is behind this behavior - is it the love of money? Does it feel good to spend money? The real problem behind a spending addiction – just like any other kind – is that it makes the person feel good. When we medicate something painful in life, it makes us feel better and reinforces the desire to indulge in the activity. So what is the big deal about going out and spending money? Spending money is okay, but just like drinking a little wine every once in a while doesn’t impair most people, there are some who can’t touch the stuff as it will lead them down a path of destruction. However, when spending money is put into the context of what constitutes an addiction, then it becomes ...

  By Brian Murray and Christine Hammond Saturday morning drinking coffee and eating breakfast together. Her. [Ok so I need to go get a new pair of shoes today but if I tell him what I’m up to he will start in on me about spending too much money again.   But I need these shoes so I think I’ll find out when he is leaving and then I’ll escape and buy them before he gets back.   He’ll never know the difference cause he can’t even tell when I get a new haircut.]   “So honey, what are you doing today?   Do you have any plans?” Him. [Here she goes with that leading question again; she’s going to force me to go for the bait.   I wonder what she wants now.]   “I’m not sure, what’s on your mind?” Her.   [Darn, I was hoping for an easy out.   Why can’t he just go play golf with his buddies like all the other husbands?   Now what am I going to say that will get me out of the house without him suspecting anything is up? ...

By Dwight Bain A recent USA Today poll asked this question, “Which best fits your holiday emotional state?” • Relaxed - 18% • Joyful - 31% • Stressed - 27% • Depressed -24% Why do people feel so overloaded with additional problems during the holidays? I believe the majority of the pressure they feel is from trying to live up to unrealistic expectations of creating a ‘perfect’ Christmas. Remember Clark W. Griswald from the movie ‘Christmas Vacation?’ He is the laughable, but best illustration of a guy who tries to do everything right, only to have literally everything go wrong. Dysfunctional relatives, one blown bulb derailing all of the decorations, the Christmas tree goes up in flames, the turkey is dry, the check for the swimming pool is going to bounce, add in a crazy cousin kidnapping the hateful boss, while the dog destroys the house chasing a rabid squirrel and a senile senior citizen sings the national anthem and you have the wh...

By Chris Hammond, MS, IMH You are having that same argument about money again. One person believes the money needs to be spent and the other person believes the money should be saved. Sometimes the argument is spoken out loud and sometimes the argument is done silently, nonetheless the same argument is replayed over and over. If the spender gets their way then they are happy to have won this round, if the saver gets their way then they are happy to have won. In both cases the opposing spouse often feels like the loser of the argument desperately trying to figure out how to win the next round. Everyone falls into this trap sometime; maybe the issue is manifested differently but the pattern is the same. The problem is not the issue per say, but rather the outcome. There are three possible outcomes to any argument: win-lose, lose-lose and win-win. However, in a marriage only two of the three outcomes are really possible. Lose-Lose. In lose-lose outcomes, both spouses walk away f...

It seems that our culture encourages the concept that after you say “I do” at your wedding, you also say “I do” to a house payment, car payments, new furniture, nice honeymoon, and each other’s debt. Here is a new thought: the ball and chain in your marriage is not each other, but rather the debt you both carry around. Think about it. The debt becomes like an additional partner in your marriage as you can no longer separate without bringing the debt with you no matter who in the marriage contributed to the debt. The debt controls what you can and cannot do, where you can and cannot go, and how you can and cannot spend. The debt becomes part of your every conversation, the cause of great anxiety and increases your stress as each of you takes a stand against the other in the blame game. That is why there is no quicker way to destroy your marriage than to go into debt. How did we get here? In the movie, “The Company Men” there is a scene in which Ben Affleck depicts the faça...

By Chris Hammond, MS, IMH One of the hardest areas for most couples to agree is in the area of money and finances. In fact, most divorces are the result of disagreements over money that date back to the beginning of their marriage. Failing to plan for your finances to be joined together is a recipe for disaster. There are many financial courses available to you such as Financial Peace University and Crown Ministries both of which lay a solid financial base and should be considered within the first year of your marriage. Until then, here are a couple of potential differences in your financial perspective to discuss and compare notes. By spending time now understanding each other’s perspective, some of the tension involving money can be minimized. Different socioeconomic backgrounds. You may not have grown up in the same zip code or come from the same financial background. Some families tend to be savers and some tend to be spenders, your family’s financial background has...

Managing stressful moods attached to money By Dwight Bain When you are one paycheck away from financial disaster it doesn’t take much to trip and fall over into the abyss of despair. News of foreclosures, downsizing and soaring bankruptcy levels only make it worse for terrified and stressed out families who often feel stuck in what I call “ Survival Mode ”. When a family feels stuck in the survival mode they worry about everything . Stress comes from every side; getting enough groceries or gasoline can be a struggle, trying to figure out how to get through the challenges of making rent, trying to find enough money to turn around and pay down their growing debts. A roof over their head is one of the biggest factors because often they are forced to move from the home they have lived in for years over to more affordable temporary housing. They have to go through major adjustments because of reduced financial resources which ripple over into areas you might not think of like family members...