Destroying Shame
By: Brian Murray, LMHC
“Shame is a
soul eating emotion.” ― C.G. Jung
Guilt and
shame are a dynamic duo often found in the lives of many people. It can be
experienced on many levels and often comes with the price of our overall mental
well-being. There is a distinct difference between the two and often people
become confused about what they are experiencing. Guilt is something that is
experienced in the present. Often a person does something that may cause a
feeling or regret overdoing it, feels guilty and then decides on how to proceed
by either attempting to right a wrong or coming to the conclusion that their
behavior is justified and drop the guilt and move on. Shame is guilt for doing,
or not doing, something and then harboring that guilt over time. What happens
when a person carries shame is there is something tugging at them inside to
correct a situation. This internal pull begins to infiltrate every part of the
person and over time it begins to cause other problems.
Shame is
often a learned behavior that is introduced to us in childhood. If a person
learns they are bad for doing something, then they begin to develop the idea
that they are a bad person. What is often meant to be conveyed from parents is
what you did was not a good thing. The child does not interpret it this way
because they interpret the event as a child, not the grown adult. The child
learns “I am a bad person because I did a bad thing.” In the future the child carrying the shame of
believing they are a bad person and apply it to future situations. For example;
a person gets angry at someone and agues over a perceived injustice. They walk
away and thinking about what they just did, and the subconscious event of
learned shame working in the background of what I just did is bad, they return
and apologize over what may be a legitimate argument.
The way to
destroy shame is to return to where it was learned. Return to the scene of the
crime and ask questions that confront the behavior such as “where did I learn
this and what is the reality of what I am experiencing?” Not all shame is
learned in childhood and our parents, other culprits such as religious
institutions, schools and growing up in certain cultures can lead to learning
that if a person does anything outside of those culture’s rules then a person
should be ashamed of themselves for being their authentic self. How dare you,
right? Can you feel the shame in it? Walk away, feeling compelled to return to
confront or apologize is often shame at work.
There is something inside that is being critical saying that if you do
not respond then it is wrong and if it is wrong that makes you bad.
Destroying
shame also involves some self-care. Love thyself and live in the moment
developing a new belief of being worthy of self-love. Forgive yourself for the
shame, you were just a child, or you were living under a set of rules that no
longer apply. Write letters to yourself (or others) put it in a box and drop
off the baggage of shame at lost and found and let it go. Stop carrying around
the shame for something you did or did not do, or something you feel compelled
to react on or apologize for. How can you begin doing this today?
To schedule an appointment with Brian Murray,
Please call our office at 407-647-7005.
www.lifeworksgroup.org
