Preparing for Marriage – Dealing with the Ghosts of Your Sexual Past
By Chris Hammond, MS, IMH
One of the most frequently asked questions by couples
preparing to get married are, “How much of my sexual past do I need to reveal
to my partner?” While this can be a difficult
question to answer, there are some basic guidelines to follow.
1.
Don’t
lie. Starting off your marriage with
a lie is not a strong foundation and sooner or later the truth will come out in
the most horrible way. Even though it
might hurt your partner’s feelings or you might potentially lose them, it is
far better to be honest and suffer the immediate consequences then it is to lie
and live with life-long guilt and much worse consequences. Remember a lie is not just speaking untruthfully;
it is also withholding the truth.
2.
Disclose
any health hazards. Some states
require that you disclose any sexually transmitted diseases or infections
before they offer a marriage license. If
you or anyone you have slept with has or has the potential for a STD (sexually
transmitted disease), STI (sexually transmitted infection) or HIV/AIDS, you
must tell your partner. It is lying to
do otherwise. While on this subject, it
is a good idea for you to be tested prior to marriage as there are many types
of STD’s or STI’s some of which cause or contribute to infertility.
3.
Disclose
any sexual abuse. If you have been
sexually abused or molested as a child, raped as an adult, or the victim of
sexually harassment, you must tell your partner. This may be an embarrassing admission on your
part, just remember you were the victim.
And as a victim of a sexual crime the potential for some word, phrase,
touch, look or position to trigger memories from the past is likely. Your partner needs to know of your triggers
so as to protect you and not add to any re-traumatizing.
4.
Disclose
any abortions. Statistically, one in
three women has had an abortion, so it is likely that either you or your
partner were involved in an abortion.
While this topic may be controversial and seem more like a private
matter, not disclosing it is again a lie.
Your partner may feel differently about abortions than you and this is
an opportunity to learn more about each other. Also when you have children in
the future you might feel differently about abortions and the remorse may
surprise both of you at a time when you should be feeling joyful.
5.
Disclose
any addictions. Pornography is
addictive and any and all uses of it should be disclosed to your partner. While it may seem like most people look at
pornography at some point in their lives and the need for it will disappear
with marriage, too often this is not the case.
After the honeymoon wears off and problems surface in your marriage,
escaping to pornography to feel better can and frequently does happen. Knowing your partner’s weaknesses and setting
necessary boundaries such as an internet filter is demonstrating love for
them. Ignoring the problem and hoping it
will just go away is foolish.
6.
Disclose
any sexual crimes. Sexual crimes are
molestation, incest, rape, abuse, harassment, trafficking, prostitution,
exhibitionism, voyeurism, sex with animals, or obscenities. If you have been found guilty of a sexual
crime, you must disclose it. If you have
been cleared of charges of a sexual crime, you should still disclose it. If you have committed a sexual crime but have
never been caught, you should disclose it.
7.
Disclose
any adultery. If you have been
involved in an adulterous affair, disclose it.
While the affair may have ended a long time ago and you have parted ways
without speaking about it, the guilt of having committed the offense will
repeatedly torment you.
8.
Don’t give too much detail. While you must be honest about your past, too
much detail about frequency, positions, locations, or anything else that could
cause your partner to fantasize about you having sex with someone else is
dangerous. Say enough to be honest but
not too much to cause your partner harm.
9.
Ask for
forgiveness. Once you have found the
right partner, the other sexual partners of the past seem to fade in
comparison. However, the reality is that
you did not wait to have sex with just your partner and this is precisely why
you are having reading this article. One
of the hardest things to do is admit that you were wrong for having sex with
anyone other than your marriage partner.
So begin by asking God for forgiveness and then ask your future spouse
for forgiveness.
10.
Better to
ask. If your partner is secretive
and refuses to disclose any information about their sexual past, be direct and
ask them about the above points of disclosure.
If they are still not forthcoming, then seek professional help. It may be that your partner is more
comfortable dealing with this issue with a professional or it may be that they
are unwilling to be honest. If it is the
latter, then know that you are building a marriage on unstable ground and it is
likely to fail.
These guidelines are just that, guidelines. They are not meant to be all inclusive but
they are meant to set the outside perimeter of what should be expected. By discussing these issues prior to marriage,
you will find more peace and less anxiety about your partner’s sexual behavior.
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"Reprinted with permission from the LifeWorks Group weekly eNews, (Copyright, 2004-2011), To subscribe to this valuable counseling and coaching resource visit www.LifeWorksGroup.org or call 407-647-7005"
About the author- Chris Hammond is a Registered Mental Health Counselor Intern at LifeWorks Group w/ over 15 years of experience as a counselor, mentor & teacher for children, teenagers & adults.
"Reprinted with permission from the LifeWorks Group weekly eNews, (Copyright, 2004-2011), To subscribe to this valuable counseling and coaching resource visit www.LifeWorksGroup.org or call 407-647-7005"
About the author- Chris Hammond is a Registered Mental Health Counselor Intern at LifeWorks Group w/ over 15 years of experience as a counselor, mentor & teacher for children, teenagers & adults.