What is Codependency?
By: Brian Murray, LMHC, NCC
A codependent is a person who has an unhealthy relational attachment to another person. It is also referred to as relationship or love addiction. Codependency was born out of the addiction field as someone who is an enabler of an addicted person. They get this way as they believe there is something they fix, rescue or control that will translate into the love they so desperately seek. The addicted person takes advantage of this need by using the codependent as a resource. This “resourcing” is provided in many forms such as food, housing, and money just to name a few.
The term codependent has since morphed into identifying anyone who remains involved in an unhealthy relationship. This unhealthy attachment is due to some underlying fear that they will lose love or ultimately be alone. Once these feelings materialize, the codependent begins to do things to control relational outcomes. Codependency is a learned behavior that typically stems from childhood with distorted parenting that teaches the child they are responsible for other people’s thoughts and feelings.
This is different from a mutually satisfying interdependent relationship. An interdependent relationship is where two individuals share and strive to not only make the other happy but are allowed to be happy unto themselves with their own interests and hobbies. Most codependents operate out of fear, obligation, and guilt. Fear of losing the other, obligation to control or please the other, and guilt for saying no or not being compliant to the other.
If you identify yourself as a codependent, Codependents Anonymous (CODA) has done a great job in identifying 5 different types. These patterns are identified as, denial, low self-esteem, compliance, control, and avoidance. Some of the different types have overlapping descriptions which are attributed to the basic patterns of being codependent.
Denial pattern is identified as those having difficulty identifying with what they are feeling. They minimize, alter, or deny how they really feel. They perceive themselves as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well-being of others. They do not realize they are in denial of their own feelings and how this is playing out in an unhealthy relationship.
Low self-esteem codependents often have difficulty making decisions. This is the most common and recognizable behavior pattern codependents experience. They frequently make harsh judgements of themselves by believing what they think, say, or do is never good enough. They suffer embarrassment or shame when receiving recognition, praise, or gifts. They lack the ability to identify and ask for what they want and need from others. They place a higher value on other people’s approval of their thinking, feelings, and behavior rather than on their own. They do not perceive themselves as lovable or worthwhile in relationships. Depression is very common with low self-esteem codependents.
Compliance pattern codependents compromise their values and integrity to avoid rejection and other people’s anger. They experience high sensitivity to other people’s feelings and may take on some of their same feelings. They have extreme loyalty often remaining in harmful situations far too long. They place a higher value on other people’s opinions and feelings and may even adopt those opinions as their own. They fear expressing different viewpoints and/or feelings often setting aside their own interests to do what others want. Their acceptance of sex as a substitute for love is common. Compliance pattern codependents are frequently attractive to narcissists, and vice-versa, due to their high level of compliance and abandonment of the self for the strong narcissistic ego.
Control pattern codependents believe that people are incapable of taking care of themselves. A controlling codependent is often misinterpreted as a covert narcissist due to similar behavior patterns. They attempt to persuade and direct others what to think, feel and do. They are resentful and get defensive when others decline their help or reject their advice. They freely offer unsolicited advice and direction including strangers to be recognized as special and looking for love in return. They will provide gifts and favors to those they are trying to influence. In relationship they will use sex to gain approval and acceptance to feel needed a relationship with others.
Avoidance pattern codependents behave and act in ways that invite others to reject, shame, or act angry toward them. They judge harshly what others think, say, or do as well as avoid emotional, physical, or sexual intimacy to maintain distance. They allow for the addictions to people, places, and things as a distraction from achieving intimacy in relationships. They will use indirect or evasive communication to avoid conflict or confrontation.
Not all codependents have all five of these traits, yet some may have all of them as it depends on severity. Also codependency is not a diagnosable condition. It is learned behavior that frequently stems from distorted childhood parenting efforts. As with any learned behavior, new behavior can be learned to replace it. However, it does take some time and effort to make this change.
We all have some of these behaviors as it is part of our human condition as we experience our relationships with each other. The problem begins when they are so prevalent, they begin to create an unhealthy bond or attachment leading to anxiety, depression and an overall dissatisfaction with our lives. Treatment with an addiction partner is usually done through counseling and some sort of community support group such as Codependents Anonymous also known as CODA.
Resources:
https://coda.org/meeting-materials/patterns-and-characteristics-2011/
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