The Cost of Perfectionism
By: Megan Brewer, IMH
Perfectionism robs us of ourselves
How aware are you of the moments when an image of your perceived ideal slides into the driver's seat and starts trying to dictate your thoughts, feelings and responses? It may have happened during your last interaction with your spouse where you started changing your behavior or style of relating to be the perfect person you think you should be for them. Or maybe it comes out when talking to a friend and doing all you can to look like the picture you have in your head of the perfect friend. Perfectionism robs us of ourselves because, instead of feeling free to be who we are, we strive to become the overlaid image of our perceived ideal in our relationships, situations and daily activities. In reality, there is no ideal template and the one we have established is more a product of our experience and ways we learned to receive validation and connection throughout our lives. This is illustrated in each of the following scenarios:
Every time Kate went on a date with Evan, she would work hard to be the “perfect woman” for him. She watched herself closely to ensure her words, responses and body language fit within the image she had constructed of what she thought he wanted. She had learned from growing up in her family of origin that the only parts of her that were really of interest were when she absorbed into someone else’s perspective and never pushed back with her own thoughts.
Madison would agonize over conversations with her friends. She never knew if she was being the “right” or “perfect friend” she thought she needed to be. She would replay the conversations with them over in her mind, stopping at points where she felt her thoughts or responses had not been enough. Sometimes it was hard for her friends to know who she really was because they could sense when she would transform herself in conversations to reflect what she thought she needed to be for them.
Jenny would get caught in a spiral of anxiety when thinking about schoolwork. She felt like everyone around her was smarter than she was and never felt like she could work hard enough. She would stay up late working hard on assignments and took notes that were several pages longer than her peers. She was surprised when she told her peers how much work she did and they gasped in amazement. It was hard for her to imagine they were not overtaken by the perceived standards that drove Jenny to push herself so hard.
Perfectionism stunts our growth
Perfectionism is, in many ways, a defense mechanism against the thoughts and feelings that nag and remind us we are not enough. It is like a mask, whipped out and quickly put on the moment we feel inferior or like we just are not measuring up. We think this mask is needed to hide the flaws we believe are so glaring to everyone around us because they are all we can see in those moments. The trouble with masks is they are not real. The only way to change a mask is to paint it another color or add and take away embellishments. Regardless of what we do to the mask, the face underneath stays the same because all the energy and effort is spent on what is covering it up. Sadly, we may wear a mask for so long that we start forgetting what our real selves are actually like.
The risk of taking off the mask, even if only for a moment, will often feel counterintuitive to the belief we have held within us for so long. After all, the whole reason for the mask is to keep the parts of us hidden that will cause others to reject us, move away from us and think we are not worthy of their love, friendship, attention or time. When we risk letting someone see what is real, if just for a moment, is when we can see most clearly what is real within ourselves. When we are brave and willing to look with understanding at that which we most want to hide, only then can we work on tending to and producing growth in those areas of ourselves.
Next time you are tempted to label yourself as a perfectionist or catch yourself reaching for your mask, stop and take a minute to evaluate what is happening: “I’m letting my fear of failure take over,” “My feelings of inadequacy just stepped in and started running the show” or “I can tell my mask just got put on because I’m paying more attention to what I need to be for others instead of engaging them with vulnerability and authenticity.” Once you can identify what happens when perfectionism take over, then you can start choosing to do something about it.
To schedule an appointment with Megan Brewer,
Please call our office at 407-647-7005.
www.lifeworksgroup.org
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