15 Factors that Fuel Unfaithfulness

 

15 Factors that Fuel Unfaithfulness

written by

Dwight Bain, LMHC, NCC, & Certified Leadership Coach

There are 15 key factors that can cause someone to ignore everything they believe in to break all the rules of a stable relationship. Here are the factors that drive people to cheat. As you read them, think of the people you have watched in a continual and desperate attempt to find somebody new to love, who only ended up creating massive stress and chaos for everyone else involved.

1. Selfishness: The clear #1 factor that fuels secret relationships is a commitment to please oneself over any commitment to their partner. Selfishness is a subtle slave master because it seems so natural to do what feels good inside, without consideration for how it will affect others. Once a person buys into the notion that their happiness is more important than that of their marriage partner, or children, parents, co-workers, boss, or shareholders, they begin a seductive slide into the darkness of forbidden behaviors.

2. Lustful: Adultery is fueled by psychological insecurities more than by physical intimacy. Lust is the illicit desire for something more; so, once the conquest has been made with the new partner, a cheater silently begins the hunt for the next target in their string of hopping from bed to bed hoping for a little more happiness. They are continually looking and lusting for a better life instead of learning how to be satisfied with the one they have. Lust for more prevents feeling contentment and satisfaction inside the person driven to find a little more happiness from their partner instead of finding it inside themselves. When someone is never fully satisfied with their life, they and their relationships continually change because of it.

3. Lonely: Distance in a relationship leaves a married partner feeling empty inside. Often instead of working to solve that emptiness in a positive way, creating connection points through date-nights, weekend getaways or attending a couples retreat together, they just grow more distant which leaves them vulnerable to the temptation of forbidden fruit. However, loneliness is a solvable problem in a marriage because there are so many healthy ways a lonely partner can reach out to rebuild their relationship.

4. Low Esteem: When someone feels like they are a loser in life they are vulnerable to the temptations of others. Low esteem leaves the door open for someone to respond to the advances of a stranger because they don’t believe in themselves. When there is a major gap of personal confidence, or someone believes that they are not worthy of feeling loved they might seek out the attention of strangers.

5. Conversation Connection: One of the most common factors I’ve heard from hundreds of people who have cheated with someone else said it was because the new person was “easy to talk to”. This is a subtle way into seduction because it seems so innocent. One day you are just sharing opinions and ideas with someone at work, church, or at a social event. And then, WHAM! The chemistry races ahead of reason and decisions are made that destroy stability. There are many people you could talk to in safe ways, but long conversations with someone new can lead to saying goodbye to the people who trusted you to stay faithful and keep the promises made in marriage.

6. Power and Control: You may not have associated this category with cheaters, but it is a driving force. Many times the whole dynamic of keeping a secret lifestyle is to break the rules of order and decency to do whatever they want to do. To control others or feel the invincible power of being able to get away with breaking the rules leads many powerful people into destroying their lifestyle.

7. Addictions: When someone can’t stop their inappropriate and irresponsible behavior it can often be tied to the driven compulsive need for instant gratification, instead of long-term commitment. Addictions don’t make much sense to people who haven’t struggled with inner demons of desire, yet to an addict it is more important than their next breath. Addiction gradually destroys every relationship and will usually end a marriage if professional help isn’t sought out to stabilize the real factors fueling the fire of out-of-control desire inside.

8. Shame Based Past: Unresolved abuse of any kind, (either as victim or perpetrator) can lead to acting outside of the normal boundaries of a marriage relationship. This is tied to deeper psychological issues that often require counseling to resolve because a person with shame issues will continue to repeat the same self-destructive behavior pattern. Shame creates a feeling of guilt and condemnation and can become a driving force behind irresponsible and impulsive behavior.

9. Peer Pressure: You become like the people you hang around. So, when a person works in an environment that embraces impulsive decisions, or if there is a mentality of conquest over character, people ruin relationships. This can show up as ending up in the wrong bed on a business trip, or drinking too much at the office Christmas party, and then bragging about their indiscretions to coworkers. Focusing on romance instead of real work violates the basic principle of any job. Some corporate cultures push people to be their best, however in a toxic workplace, people spend their time sneaking around on the job to fall in love with someone else’s spouse. Cheating hurts a marriage, but it can also hurt the customers, clients and coworkers who depend on people to actually do their job well.

10. Lies, Deception, and Cover Up: This factor is based on the notion that “liars lie and cheaters cheat.” The driving force behind this factor is to manipulate others by keeping secrets and avoiding honestly. It’s not about the new relationship, since there are countless examples of cheaters who simply go on to cheat on their next partner. They weren’t into the new person they were simply using the next person to fuel their need to keep a continual string of secret relationships to fuel their inner desire to avoid playing by the rules of society.

11. Generational Patterns: There is an old saying in families that “the fruit doesn’t fall far from the tree” meaning that a parent or grandparent who models the secret lifestyle behavior creates the negative role model for the kids who are always watching to do the same thing. And they do. It can be uncanny how repetitive the cycle plays out in people who hit a certain age, and then do exactly what their parent did at the same age. Family secrets can go on for generations until someone finds the faith to move beyond the past to build a better future.

12. Stress: Often an affair isn’t driven by the desire to really swap partners, violate trust, and shatter integrity, rather, it was based on an escape from pressure. Simply put, exhausted and desperate people do exhaustive and desperate things. When a person becomes overwhelmed with the responsibilities and pressures of life, they sometimes give up on things that don’t seem important at the time. A distant marriage is completely vulnerable to temptations from others because there is no solid foundation to hold it together during the stressful seasons of life.

13. Distance in Relationship: The old saying is wrong. Absence doesn’t make the heart grow fonder… it often just makes a person’s heart, eyes and hands begin to wander. Feeling alone in a relationship, either from emotional distance, or geographical distance that comes from a job with a lot of travel, can lead to seeking the company of other people than their marriage partner and that can be disastrous.

14. Leaks: When people feel like they ‘leak’ or have a continual need to hear praise and compliments from others they are open to stumble and struggle with temptation. When a person is constantly looking for someone to fill the void inside, the emptiness leads to making bad decisions and desperate attempts at finding fulfillment. Better to find true filling from healthy sources instead of making the ‘leaks’ bigger with bad decisions.

15. Acceptance: Everyone longs to feel a sense of connection, of belonging and approval. Finding validation from another person instead of from core values and beliefs that you hold inside can lead to the continual need for replacement. A healthy person has those needs for acceptance met in healthy ways, which improves their life instead of leading to a pattern of continual problems, secrets and lies.

The bottom line on breaking a cheating lifestyle is to change to invest time and energy in keeping the promises you made, instead of spending time, energy and money desperately trying to chase another person to create a little happiness. Over time it takes a lot more work to keep a secret lifestyle going than it does to simply work on the relationship you have. Trading a stable life for the hope of something better doesn’t work out for most people who attempt it. Research shows that people divorce at significantly higher levels when they move from partner to partner. There is more stability from making wise choices than in chasing a fantasy image of being with someone who later turns out to be a nightmare. Keeping promises builds trust, integrity, character, and a life of balance. Keeping promises is the opposite of cheating.

If you know someone who has been cheating, reach out to them and challenge them to stop making impulsive choices that hurt others. If you have been hurt by a cheater, learn to set boundaries. The best deal is to live a life of integrity by keeping your word and holding your head high because you are a person respected by all. Life is about choices, and when a cheater stops to really study the reasons why they cheat it’s possible for them to turn their life from one of being known as a liar to become a person who can be trusted again. Blessings follow the man or woman who turns their life around.



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