How Codependents Can Use Boundaries with Narcissists
By: Brian Murray, LMHC, NCC
Codependents are identified as someone who has an addiction to love; they will sacrifice themselves to please others. They are deeply concerned with what others think of them in basically every area of life. They have a distorted sense of responsibility and often blame themselves for how others feel.
Narcissists are very self-centered people who have a strong sense of specialness in the world. Their ego driven mentalities require others to see them as being highly special even if their life and achievements don't add up to how special they claim to be. Narcissists often blame others as having a problem when their specialness isn't recognized followed by a host of manipulation tactics aimed at punishing the person who didn't recognize them. They will also punish those who try and compete or relate at a level that is equal to them. There is a saying when it comes to narcissists, they don't share the stage because it's all about them.
Narcissists are excellent manipulators often confusing those they are in relationship with. They do this usually unconsciously such as gaslighting, bait and switch and passive aggressive techniques. Due to their personality disorder, they do these tactics naturally. Gaslighting is basically creating confusion about what someone said or did. They will distort the facts of the story to make others question themselves and the reality of their experiences. Bait and switch is about saying something that is emotionally provocative to lure you into some level of chaos. They do this to control you. Passive aggressive is just like it sounds. They will smile at your face and then later punish you for something you said at an earlier time.
Narcissists and codependents are a natural match up relationally as the two dysfunctions are seemingly attractive to one another. Unfortunately, it's one of the unhealthiest relationship dynamics that can occur. At first the narcissist is attracted to the ego-feed the codependent so freely gives as they sacrifice themselves for the sake of love. The codependent is attracted to the seemingly strong mentality of the narcissists. Codependents are insecure internally so anyone who seems self-assured is relationally ideal. What they don't understand is that the narcissist at their core is really very insecure which is why they need to be grandiose in order to compensate for those insecure feelings.
Narcissists rarely change and can be very difficult partners in therapy. They usually go to counseling to appease someone and once it's over they go back to the way they were. Codependency is a learned behavior and therefore new behavior can be learned to replace it. There is no diagnosis for codependency. They typically respond very well to therapy once their problems are exposed to them and begin learning new healthy behaviors such as implementing boundaries with the narcissist.
Dealing with a narcissist, even with newfound boundaries, can be a difficult challenge. Narcissists don't give up ground easily due to their fragile ego and what is known as narcissistic injury. This injury occurs when you stop treating them as being someone special. In order to talk to a narcissist in a manner to get them to listen can be a challenge. They are hardheaded in the sense they don't want to listen to others, only themselves. Taking them straight on will cause them to wall-up with ego defenses.
If you identify as a codependent in a relationship with a narcissist there are a few things you can do to talk to them in a manner to get them to listen. This isn't about resolving conflict, but to at least get them to hear what you need to say.
1. Use the hamburger model. Imagine a hamburger with two buns and the burger in-between. Narcissist's ego needs supply, or be fed, to make them happy so this part represents the top bun. The middle, or burger part, is the content that you wish to express. Start off with a compliment, first bun, before diving into the middle or burger part. Then say what you need to say and exit the conversation with the next bun, or an exit complement. This defuses their ego, and they can handle what you say much easier. Remember you are dealing with someone who has the emotional maturity of a child and so this, as childish as it may sound, is.
2. Don't forget to see them for who they really are. If you have confirmed with a professional counselor that you are truly dealing with a narcissist then remember who you are dealing with. Narcissists are not grounded in reality. They are grounded in their reality which can be extremely distorted. They are not mentally healthy people even though they will argue that they are. Narcissists see themselves as very special people and when you fail to recognize that specialness then you are the one who gets labeled as the problem. Nothing can be further from the truth. Our problems with other people are our problems to solve, for ourselves. So, don't forget who you are really dealing with. This perspective can lessen the personalization that comes from interactions with a narcissist.
3. Try not to focus too much on them. This goes along with number 2 on the list. Do not get wrapped up in their world. Narcissists can sound great, look great and sell you on their grandiose personality but be careful getting all wrapped in them. Politicians, religious people, CEO’s, and the like can create a cult of personality scenarios all the way down to the family level. Don't go for the buy in and believe nothing of them. They are just trying to gain attention, get their ego fed, and are like actors on a stage. Codependents are often highly attracted to these personality types as they get caught up in feeling like the grand standing will somehow elevate the low self-esteem that often comes from people who are seemingly confident. Remember, narcissists are deeply insecure, and these power positions equate to nothing more than compensation for these deep-seated insecure feelings.
4. Establish clear boundaries. Think of the word dignity. It's being worthy of honor and respect. Feeling worthy of honor and respect comes from yourself first to ensure that you are treating yourself well. Making sure you are treated well by others is also a form of self-respect. Thinking of yourself as a person who is worthy of honor and respect is the first step in establishing a boundary. A boundary is defined as a mark where one thing ends, and another thing begins. This can be a fence, territory, and behaviors in a relationship. When you feel dishonored and disrespected your boundaries are being violated. How you restore the boundary is up to you, but be clear, make sure you establish them. Without a boundary is allowing your personal space for others to walk over you. Narcissists are notorious for violating people's boundaries. The sooner a narcissist realizes you are someone who is willing to not allow others to disrespect you the sooner they will walk away. A quick way to establish a boundary is to say something along the lines of "I will not allow myself to be in a relationship where I am treated this way."
5. Watch their words and behaviors. Here is a counseling trick. When working with those who have a personality disorder; believe everything and believe nothing at the same time. This allows you to remain neutral and objective to their words. Narcissists can be very manipulative so if you don't go for the buy-in of their words and actions then you don't get hooked into their schemes. This neutral ground gives you personal power to be able to walk away.
Narcissists get very nervous when they cannot manipulate. If you are in a relationship, or believe that you are, understand that when they get nervous, they may try to put things back the way they were. You may experience some level of narcissistic rage which is their form of anger which can appear extreme. This anger can reach a level that feels very threatening and the minute you give in you reinforce that behavior. Learn boundaries and how to implement them. Stand up for your dignity and the right to be your own self.
If you identify as codependent there is good news. It's learned behavior that can be replaced with new behavior. Most larger cities have codependent recovery groups. Most counselors are well trained at helping people work to build boundaries. It's often easily recognized due to the self-sacrificing nature that accompanies it. Most codependents recover quickly and make great gains in therapy, although long term it can tend to creep back in. It's important for the codependent to recognize when this is happening so they can develop skills and tools needed to manage themselves going forward.
By: Brian Murray, LMHC, NCC
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