Are You in a Supportive Relationship?
By: Brian Murray, LMHC, NCC
One of the hallmarks of a great marriage or relationship is being involved with a person who values the other person’s feelings in a respectful and caring way. Validation in a relationship is a good indicator of a relationship health check. It is the ability to communicate reciprocating thoughts and feelings that indicate they are there for each other.
Healthy people relationally do not criticize, demand or belittle the other person for expressing their feelings, needs and wants. Whether intentional or not, being critical or belittling the other person can send signals that what is being expressed implies the other is wrong, or somehow it makes them a bad person. Invalidation is negative behavior that can, and often turns the overall mood of the relationship sour. The initial gut response to negativity is usually anger followed by resentment. The anger and resentment are the result of feeling the pain of the invalidating comment.
Emotional support is very important as it validates each other’s feelings by communicating the importance of the other person's value. There are certain characteristics or “checkpoints” that a person can look for in a relationship. Like anything else in life, once in a while it is good to have a check up. While this is not an exhaustive list, here are some points to ask for a quick self check to encourage validation. In parenthesis are examples of counter points that create invalidation.
● Are you open to each other’s ideas, thoughts and feelings and implement active listening? Active listening is putting away all distractions and looking directly at the person while they are talking. Eye contact and head nodding as they talk are good encouragers. (looking away, looking at your phone, or walking away when they talk causes invalidation, anger and resentment)
● When your partner is discussing feelings and emotions, the other person non-critical, demanding or belittling of you for having them. ( Invalidation; stop crying, you're too sensitive, don't be such a baby, stop whining etc.)
● Do you both accept the fact that your feelings and thoughts are your own without being judgmental toward each other? (Invalidation; oh just get over it, get to the bottom line and stop digressing)
● Are you both able to ask for help and support from each other without worrying about how the other person will respond? (not my problem, you're on your own, you go figure it out)
● Are you both able to talk trusting that the other will empathize with you and have an understanding ear to your concerns? (you are too sensitive, why are you so sensitive about everything? your parents must have been some piece of work to raise you this way)
● Do you both feel accepting of each other with positive regard and have a general sense of mutual support for each other’s endeavors and life goals? (I hate it when you come to me with this type of junk, you are all talk and no action, oh just do it and stop procrastinating)
Validation, active listening and empathy are some of the hallmarks of a great marriage and relationship. If you recognize doing that you are the positive side of these points then good for you, keep going. If you find that you identified more with the invalidation then it might be time to take a look and see if there is something that can be done.
These points serve as guidelines that indicate mutual respect by honoring each other. In other words, they become statements where one person validates the other by setting the self aside for a moment while the other person is valued in the moment. Validation is important for the relationship to grow and mature where each person has the freedom to be themselves without condemnation, criticism and judgment from the other.
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