Are Men Terrified of Therapy?
By: Dwight Bain, LMHC, NCC
All people have problems, yet research shows most people who seek professional counseling are female.
- Does this mean women have more problems than men?
- Does it mean women are a “weaker sex”?
- Or does it simply mean women are more honest about facing and working on problems instead of ignoring them?
So why are men terrified to face the problems in their life with a therapist?
Perhaps it is the perception of a lack of masculinity to admit to problems and seek help. Ignoring problems does not make them go away, but it can be a distraction. Maybe this explains why some men struggle with addictions to sports, alcohol, pornography, gambling, violence, or drugs more than women do. It takes a secure person to seek out wise counsel when facing a challenge while an insecure person refuses help or tries to figure out complicated situations alone. Research from SAMHSA, (Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration), reveal:
- 72% of women with depression obtain professional care, only 60% of men with depression seek treatment
- 14% of American men experience some type of mental health challenge, and more than 3% of men face serious mental health challenges every year
- Men were half as likely to utilize mental health services than women and less likely to use medication if prescribed by their doctor for anxiety or depression
- The suicide rate for men is four times higher than for women, especially for white men age 65 and older
- Men over 50 years of age are more likely to seek help for mental health issues than younger men between the ages of 18 and 25
Here are common reasons men avoid counseling:
- Fear of their problems being exposed “for the world to see” when in reality no one will know what is talked about in a confidential counseling session except the guy and his therapist.
- Financial fears – with thoughts like, “Why should I pay a stranger to tell me what I know I should be doing anyway?” (Regarding costs, consider that attending a professional sporting event could cost 10 times more than the cost of a counseling session. One challenges thinking, while the other gives a few hours of entertainment.)
- Not having time, or saying they don’t have time to seek help, yet the average man spends over 20 hours per week watching TV sports or Netflix.
- Fear of being perceived as “Weak” by not being able to solve their problems alone.
- Fear of criticism from others pointing out where they are not perfect.
- Pain avoidance, essentially, “I don’t want to go to a place where I might uncover past hurts or feel bad and cry".
- Feeling humbled by asking others for help.
- Fear of counseling being the “Last stop” which is the feeling of burning through every friendship by dumping life problems on them, and eventually no one wants to hear those problems anymore, or fear that everyone is avoiding you and your complaints.
- Being “Numb” to life and forgetting how healthy or happy feels, because seems easier to stay numb by not thinking or feeling anything… another version of this is to talk about the batting averages of a guy they will never meet to avoid having to learn the names of their child’s teachers to schedule a conference; or having serious discussions about detailed financial markets, yet cannot remember the date of their own wedding anniversary or marriage partners birthday.
- Negative Expectations – “it won’t get better – so why even try?”
- A feeling of Pride, “I’m not the problem- everybody else is”
- Fear of being considered “Crazy” or being perceived as having a mental illness.
The last one is interesting since the American Psychiatric Association has identified symptoms which reveal up to 10% of the population have some form of diagnosable mental illness while 40% have emotional issues in varying degrees of severity. The APA data suggests people who do not seek therapy when needed could be the emotionally unhealthy ones. Statistically it is not women who skip seeking insight and emotional management to solve challenges, it is men.
Should every man go to counseling?
Yes, when facing major life challenges, it is wise to follow the ancient principle given by King Solomon to seek counsel. He wrote, “without good direction, people lose their way; the wiser counsel you follow, the better your chances.” (Proverbs 11:14/Message). Think of it like going to the dentist, chiropractor, eye doctor or an automobile mechanic. You go to a qualified professional to fix a problem, maintain a situation or to prevent bigger problems. Same with many counseling situations. It does not take forever, but it does take getting honest about issues by seeking guidance from a counselor and that is a place where a lot of guys are afraid to go.
A man might say he is willing to fight a terrorist to protect his family, but when it comes to facing their own impulsive actions, selfish choices, anger, pride, or lack of setting boundaries with a controlling relative, some run and hide.
The Biggest Problem Men face
The biggest obstacle men face is not usually the actual problem like debt, lust, or under-employment. It is simply admitting they have them. Admitting you have a problem is not easy, but it is the beginning to move forward and solve it. The odd thing is that many guys like to “fix” everything for others. You know, tinkering with the lawn mower to make it start again, or rebooting a computer, or plugging leaks under the sink, or working on the wireless router to get the Wi-Fi back up… you name it, guys will try to fix it things, but may be terrified to work on improving themselves or their relationships. Seems backward doesn’t it?
Actually, it’s not. Fixing the car does not require opening up your heart to possible hurt, rejection or criticism. Cars do not ask hard questions like when a boy asks his father, “Why is it okay for you to watch porn, but it’s not okay for me?” Cars sit there and do not talk, think, feel, or challenge a man’s thinking or hold him accountable to be responsible and make better choices.
“If you do not tell the truth about yourself you cannot tell it about other people.” – Virginia Woolfe
Understanding and voicing emotions may cause helpless feelings at first, which is normal. To express negative emotions through journaling, talking, or praying is a powerful start, but honestly looking at issues in light of the example of the Master Teacher is the most transformational. Deep spiritual insight is the path to create major emotional change.
Here is a thought, what if the clutter in a guy’s car, was an actual reflection of the clutter in his mind? While there are no psychological studies to show the connection between messy cars or closets and mental concentration, it is true that greater self-awareness leads to greater self-control. It is a 1:1 correlation. That is why you must change you before you can change anyone else. This is especially true in marriage, yet many guys focus on blaming their wife or kids for problems instead of taking ownership about their own behavior. The sad reality is their wife and kids already know dad has problems, but also know he would rather attack them than admit to any form of weakness.
So how can guys break out of the pattern of being scared of the life issues to become emotionally strong? Follow four principles.
1. Face it
2. Feel it
3. Process it
4. Grow
To face it is to get honest, to make it real. Once you know you need to work on explosive anger, you now must do something about it, or you must lie and cover up. Denial blocks any possibility for significant change.
To feel it is to allow emotions to be expressed in a non-violent or non-threatening way. Confidential counseling may be the first safe place to sort through difficult emotions men have experienced since some boys are told to “suck it up and be a man” or learned, “shut up and never tell anyone how you really feel”.
Men do not know how to describe what they are feeling because they never learned emotional control, but they usually know how to be angry. Maybe that is why anger is the most common emotion for men to express. They are not allowed to cry anywhere except their mother’s funeral, but they can be mad anytime, anyplace, anywhere and at anyone... while everyone around them is supposed to tolerate their moodiness or rage.
To process it is to talk through issues to release the regrets of the past, face the mistakes, take ownership for wrongs and to move forward in character development.
The final stage is growth. A growing man will manage emotions instead of stuffing them. This is prudent since he will become more secure in himself to then lead his family responsibly which is evidence of maturity.
Men need to be secure leaders in their relationships not being passive or a bully. When men lead their family with honesty and truth their home becomes a healthier place where differences can be talked through instead of attacked. When dads are fearful to talk about real issues, sometimes the kids are left vulnerable and make choices leading to more hurt and pain.
Can a man change? Yes, when he learns to truthfully face life issues instead of ignoring. To get honest with the man in the mirror instead of complaining about how things need to change. To pick up the phone and start the process of facing life with a trusted professional instead of silently suffering in fear.
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