And Another One Down…Another One Bites the Dust

(commentary on cheating pastors, king David, patriarchal church structures, grace & good care written by a survivor of this tragedy, Elizabeth McKeehan, IMH)

  

Here we go again… what gives… why betray those you love?

Why do religious leaders cheat when they know their family and church will suffer the consequences for days and years to come. How can both grace and healing occur for everyone involved?

Spouse betrayal is not a new phenomenon. I do not believe a clear or easy answer exists about why pastors, religious, and governing leaders cheat on their spouses. We could look at King David who loved God but was also filled with lust for Bathsheba, the wife of his friend Uriah. Bathsheba was married, yet he prioritized his craving for her and acted selfishly. In his ultimate power as king, he raped Bathsheba and then had her husband, his friend, killed when he found out she was pregnant. David sinned against God and he along with his substantially large family had to live with his many painful consequences, but so did Bathsheba and Uriah’s family. By getting what he wanted, he caused a negative ripple effect on many in his kingdom. 

Still, adultery and even murder were not unpardonable sins. God forgave David. With time, Bathsheba most likely forgave him as well. (See 2 Samuel 11 to draw your own conclusion.) Truly, none of us are without sin. Paul, a former murderer of Christians, wrote many years later in Romans 3:23 “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.”

Thousands of years ago the rules were different, men had multiple wives and concubines. In current culture this is not the norm, but the desire may still be there. For men and women alike, today’s porn culture demonstrates this sexual yearning to have someone already in a relationship. Pornography is a form of infidelity as it too is deceptive, highly damaging to real life relationships, and blind to real ramifications.

Like King David’s day, in today’s predominantly male and mainly white evangelical church leadership, a patriarchal power structure exists in full force. No, this does not cause affairs, but perhaps it fosters an environment of entitlement and power-over with little regard to true humility. Large churches can also breed this ego with the celebrity status and reverence given to pastors with excellent communication skills, leadership gifting, and charm. People like strong confident leaders. Pastors can have big (even impossible) shoes to fill in these scenarios. Under these enormous expectations, pressures arise and so do temptations.

King David had a form of godly accountability in the prophet Nathan calling him out on his sin and helping him to confess to God and move forward toward health and healing.  While these terrible sins are a part of David’s story, there is much more to his life and he was not defined by these selfish and sinful choices. He humbled himself in surrender to God and was able to have many good and incredible achievements as a leader. 

Who do pastors turn to when overcome with temptations or sin? 

What are their options? 

Who is safe to talk to? 

While church members often turn to their pastors for comfort and help, who do the pastors turn to? Many evangelical churches do not have confidential systems in place for pastors facing a crisis. The buck stops with them and that is not a recipe for good mental or spiritual health. In addition, some pastors do not even feel comfortable going to or even being honest with a Christian counselor despite the HIPPA protected confidentiality. Imagine not having a safe outlet when being trapped in personal sin.  There is also the risk of loss of support in every arena:  emotional, financial, spiritual.  A pastor losing their job over personal sin in addition to losing their family and friends can lead to overwhelming guilt and shame. In what other position or career can you truly lose it all? 

Some decide the risk is too high and take their life. I am friends with six former pastor/ministry wives whose husbands chose this option. It is real! My perspective on these painful events comes not only as a counselor, but as a former pastor’s wife of almost 18 years serving in evangelical churches in every time zone in the U.S. Seven years ago, I became a survivor of a fallen pastor. He was possibly so overcome with shame for his poor choice to have an affair that he took his life, rather than face his sin head on, not knowing whether his church family might rally their support or take turns swinging the bat of condemnation. The ramifications seemed impossible to negotiate.  Few churches can manage the disgrace of their own pastor having an affair. Most take turns swinging the bat of shame and condemnation. So, what can you do during a situation like this?

How Can a Church Love Well During a Crisis? 

1. Refrain from judgment.  Individual members look humbly at themselves as also sinners saved by grace.

2. Stand united in faith, hope, and love remembering that Jesus is the leader of the church not man.  If Jesus is the ultimate and true leader of the church nothing can come against it.  Guard against placing perfect trust in a human fallible leader or putting religious leaders on pedestals above accountability.

3. Pray for the fallen pastor, their spouse and each member in his family and the church.  They are experiencing new unwelcome and overpowering fragile emotions (anger, mistrust, disillusion, fear etc.) they did not see coming and may not know what to do with.  They have more than you can imagine to process, face, and overcome.  Shame is a powerful and deadly tool the enemy may use with great skill to discourage each of them.  There may be incredible shock, pain, loneliness, isolation, and continued disbelief.  Pray for each family member’s peace and guidance through this storm.  Pray for honesty.  Pray for honoring choices that rebuild trust and hope over time. Pray for the entire family’s healing and movement forward in time.

4. Protect the pastor and his or her family in the news media and especially in social media.  Realize critical words travel beyond today and may harm those in its path for years.  Ask if it is necessary or truly helpful for the church to be overly open and transparent with the congregation about sexually scandalous details to potentially thousands of people?  While I agree that it is important for the church members to know that a pastor resigned for personal, even immoral reasons, what if he or she wrote the letter that went to the congregation.  Wouldn’t it be more helpful to weigh the pros/cons through the sift of “how will this impact the pastor, his or her family, and those wounded in the church congregation in their healing journey?”

5. Realize there is a long road ahead in healing for the pastor and his family. There is healing for all those in the church involved as well.  All involved need time, space, and understanding.

6. Ask yourself  ‘what would Jesus say to this fallen leader and those wounded by their selfish and sinful actions?’ Then consider going to do as Jesus did to those caught in the act of adultery.  Offering forgiveness and grace with the challenge to go and sin no more. (John 8:11) Remembering “above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. (1 Peter 4:8)

 

To schedule an appointment with Elizabeth McKeehan,
  Please call our office at 407-647-7005.
  www.lifeworksgroup.org

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