Lips Like Sugar…Sugar Kisses
By: Elizabeth McKeehan, IMH
“Do my words float like a swan, grace on the water?”
Though the words (altered a bit) from this 80’s alternative song by Echo and the Bunnymen are beautiful, words aren’t always. They can be sweet like sugar (pleasing to me and those who I share them with) or sour like extreme sour candy (distasteful to me and others). Let’s look at what makes our talk sweet and powerful.
Self Talk - What I say and how I say it to myself.
What I say to myself matters. We call this self-talk.
I talk to myself more than anyone else. Is my tone positive or negative? Hopeful or hopeless? What do I tell myself? What messages or topics most run through my head? Are these messages beneficial? Am I speaking truth to myself or lies?
Regular Talk - What I say and how I say it to others.
What I say to others in my life matters too. My tone with them matters as well. Is my tone kind, non-judgmental, hopeful, or helpful? Is there intentionality or awareness in my conversations? My family and friends can be built up and encouraged by what I choose to talk about and how I convey it. They can also be torn down or discouraged by my words.
Silent Talk - Is actually speaking!
We can hold our tongues for good and we can hold our tongues for bad.
• “If you can’t say something good, don’t say anything at all” because holding our tongue for the good of self and others can be a good thing.
• Silent Talk or not speaking up can also be unhealthy if it allows yourself or others to be treated poorly or even abused. Holding our tongues in silence can be deadly.
• The silent treatment is not a healthy means of communication. It’s a relationship destroyer.
Listening - What about listening?
What value is speaking without its listening counterpart?
Does anyone appreciate a talker who can’t also listen?
I can’t be a good conversationalist, question-asker, or friend if I’m not an active listener. This means I listen to really hear what the other person is saying. Listening shows I care.
Listening
• “says” that I see you and what you are saying matters
• requires paying attention and giving focus to the other person
• is a learned skill that may take years to develop and hone
"Listening with a 3rd ear” - One of my counseling professors, Dr. Coffield, would encourage us to go a step farther by what he called “listening with a 3rd ear.” I understood this to mean listening for what is not being said, but what the other person is trying to be communicate. It has been said many times, “we have two ears and only one mouth, therefore listen twice as much as you speak.” Believe it or not, this is actually healing truth!
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