How To Get Unstuck In Life

By: Brian Murray, LMHC 

If you are feeling stuck in life, your relationships, marriage, or career it may be time to do some existential work. Existentialism attempts to answer the bigger questions in life such as what is the meaning and purpose of my life?

Trying to figure out who we are and where we are going are questions that have stood the test of time. From ancient philosophers to modern day thinkers, people are challenged daily to make choices of what kind of life they want to live. If the choices we make are not useful, we are challenged to examine ourselves. This examined life is to better understand our individual identity and how to live a life well lived. This is no easy task, and it can take decades, or a lifetime, to try and figure out our own personal puzzle.

Existentialism in counseling is a philosophical approach that implies that we are free and therefore responsible for our actions and choices. We are the authors of our lives and we design the pathways we follow. Existentialists propose many questions with the most popular addressing the meaning of life and the purpose of our existence. Another basic premise is that we are not victims of our circumstances because we are what we choose to be.

Existentialism can be a great way to find your personal meaning and purpose in life. The questions are designed to dig deeper into finding direction and an understanding of why things are the way they are. It causes us to reflect upon ourselves and this goes back thousands of years. The popular ancient Greek philosopher Socrates is well noted for his famous quote, “The unexamined life is not worth living.” The point here is that not only should we examine ourselves, but to continuously examine ourselves leads to knowing thyself. Who am I? What do I really know? Where am I going in life? Why am I here? What can I hope for? Are common existential questions.

One of the more popular modern-day existentialists is Viktor Frankl. He developed his own brand of therapy called Logotherapy which means “therapy through meaning.” Frankl has a unique story that plays well into existentialism as he was a WWII Jewish holocaust survivor. When the concentration camp he was imprisoned was liberated he was seen walking around smiling and greeting soldiers. U.S. Army psychologists were on hand to assist the prisoners and upon seeing Frankl they called him in for an examination. The psychologists were convinced he had gone insane. They were assuming that any person who went through that kind of torture and appeared to be that happy had lost their mind.

After the examination they determined Frankl was completely of sound mind. They asked Frankl how he did it, how he survived. Frankl looked at the psychologists and told his story of how he was sent to various prisons. They took his wife and children and sent them to separate prisons and he found out later they had been executed. They took his home and all of his possessions, but the Nazi’s could not take this one thing. They could not take how he continued to respond to all of this. They could not take away Frankl’s internal choices. Day after day Frankl would say hello to the guards and other prisoners trying to make life the best he could. He boiled it all down to choice. And that is what is at the center of Existentialism, that we are the sum of all of our choices. Frankl experienced freedom in his heart despite his circumstances. It was his personal choice and he refused to be a victim.

As people, we have the ability to reflect on our lives and make choices because we are capable of self-awareness. By building awareness of our condition and experiences, we have the freedom to choose what to do with this information. We can decide how to apply it and direct our lives. This is why existentialists often say we have the power to be the author of our lives. We get to choose what to do with anxiety, depression, and other mental health conditions. Likewise, we get to choose positive emotions as well. How is this possible?

Can we simply choose joy to replace anxiety, depression, and other disorders? No, we cannot simply choose or command our brain to feel a certain way. Emotions and feelings are the result of our experiences. Therefore, we are challenged to make choices in life that lead us to our experiences and desired feelings. However, be careful of falling into a paradoxical thinking trap. The paradox, or mental conflict, is the result of trying to entertain two opposite simultaneous thoughts. Internally this leads to feeling conflicted about which choices to make. A counselor can you help you sort this out and get you on a track or direction.

How Christianity in Counseling Can Help

In order to choose the behavior that gives us joy and meaning we must first know who we are. How do we know who we are? This is the segway to Existential Christianity and the great Christian existential question is this; who is it that says you are who you are? The second question goes with the first one; do you like who you are? If you know who you are and you like who you are, then you have formed the foundation of which you can build your life.

Existentially, let's examine these questions. The first question, who is it that says you are who you are? If you are a Christian, then it is Christ who defines you. He is the one who says you are who you are. There are many Biblical references that point to how we are defined by Him.

The second question can be much more difficult to sort out which is do you like yourself? If not, yet we want to be happy and joyous, then we turn to scripture to find evidence of how we choose joy. For example: John 15:11 says, These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full. So if you choose Christ then you have chosen joy, right?

So now you have chosen Christ, read the scriptures, and you still do not feel joy. This happens very often. There are a lot of depressed Christians out there. As Christians we even begin to feel guilty for feeling depressed in the presence of the Lord. At this point we will continue to examine ourselves. This “Existentialism angst” requires us to drill down into your life and figure out what is happening, the choices you make, and how this is all playing out.

Often this “Existential Angst,” which is a fancy term for anxiety or dread, is the result of not feeling satisfied with your choices. There is no right or wrong answer to all of this. Some of the choices you have made in the past have led to resentment, anger, guilt and a whole host of emotions. However, know this, your story isn’t over, and you have the ability to make new choices based on the awareness you have received from self-examination.

If you love God and are still unhappy then perhaps you have chosen substitutions for God. A substitution often happens when a person attempts to define themselves by worldly standards instead of Godly standards. Again, who is it that says you are who you are? You may be allowing friends, family, coworkers, an addiction, or a toxic relationship to define you instead of God.

When we do something in our lives that gives us joy then we are on track with how we have been uniquely made and defined by Him. We can love Jesus dearly and still be a sad person. It does not mean we are loved less, or that we have done something wrong and are being punished. Keep going, keep exploring, keep asking questions, keep examining yourself, keep trying different experiences and find that thing that gives you joy and something to live for. Socrates was sentenced to death for encouraging people to do these things and examine their lives. Jesus was sent to the Cross for encouraging people to find joy in Him. If you think about it, every parable involves some type of existential crisis involving the choices people make leading to eternal consequences. Yet, all that choose Him eventually find joy and a reward for a life well lived.

 

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