Day of the Dead

What Can We Learn and Apply to Grief from 

Day of the Dead?

By: Elizabeth McKeehan, IMH

 

Day of the Dead is celebrated October 31 - November 2 within Mexican tradition. You may be thinking, is Day of the Dead a mockery of death or a celebration of life? Yes, and yes. For the better part of my 10-year Spanish teaching career I minimized this seemingly creepy and odd celebration.

The Aztecs viewed death in a positive light, as ever present and integral to life itself. This current tradition goes back 3,000 years and embraces Mesoamerican ritual, European religion, and Spanish culture.  Skeletons, candy skulls, altars, and yellow marigolds all hold significance and are visible everywhere during this holiday. Skeletons are created that depict everyday life and hobbies but look comical in their lack of skin or clothes. Kids enjoy eating the candy skulls that poke fun at death, the altars are a way to honor the memory of their loved ones by preparing their favorite meal and drink, even their favorite vices like cigarettes or booze. The fragrant marigolds, along with the favorite meal, are a lure to bring the souls to pay a short visit to their loved ones in the land of the living.  Loved ones are remembered and celebrated once a year in community.

Today’s Spanish teachers have the 2017 Disney movie “COCO” to illuminate this Mexican Celebration.  Miguel is entertained by dancing and music playing skeletons in the land of the dead where he comes face to face with his deceased relatives.  We see lighted candles, bright cempasuchil flowers and aromatic dishes guide the deceased to the altars their families made in their honor and memory if only for one night, November 1. 

What can we learn from this Mexican holiday?

1.       Face death: It is a part of life. This mindset is a healthy and realistic reframe. 

2.      Grieve in community: Having a set ritual/season to remember our loved ones can be a great outlet for grief. Facing our losses with others and remembering the good and comical times can be healthy and healing.

3.      Keep a picture up: This can literally help you face your loss and remember the good.

It took my own personal grief to see the value of this Mexican tradition.  My grief showed me how poorly we are equipped in the U.S. to face and process death. We have nice funerals, wakes and plenty of food like casseroles, but those closest to the loved ones gone are still numb during the early phase of grief.  What comes in the following weeks and months is where I would say culturally we are unprepared. 

Early in my grief I wanted a road map to show me where to go and how to do it well. This did not exist for me. I had to forge my own path. I knew I wanted to engage grief and not numb out but how? I asked pastors and ordered books on grief, suffering and loss.  I also paid attention to the fact I had recently been given 2 copies of the devotional Streams in the Desert which must mean others saw value in it for grief work so I voraciously read it too.  I even journaled my feelings and reactions.  I didn’t want to miss anything that might bring me some relief.  This was hard emotional work that I saved for the evenings when I was alone before sleep. Strangely, I looked forward to this time of deep processing and pain. It was a needed outlet. In addition to reading and journaling, I walked daily on a trail behind my house. The changing weather, steep inclines, and varying corn/wheat/soybean fields helped me feel alive and closer to God. There I was, safe to pour it all out whether cries, screams, songs, or silence. I was grateful when I found others to talk to about grief who understood it firsthand. These individuals were a huge support and offered actual hope. These grief tools got me through the first few years. 

Almost 3 years after my loss I finally had the opportunity to join a GriefShare support group. I was amazed at how healing happens so beautifully in a community of others facing similar pain and grief. I found this ministry so effective that I facilitated 8 seasons of it during and after my master’s in counseling program.   

Tips from GriefShare and Reading and Trial and Error:

1.      D. E. E. R. Remember to Drink (hydrate), Eat (regularly with nutritious food), Exercise (even if only a short walk, fresh air is important), Rest (good sleep is key). Grief is exhausting and takes a toll on your whole body. Self-care is vital.

2.     There are no linear orderly stages of grief. Grief is circular and can often be 2 steps forward and 3 steps back. Do not give up!

3.     Time heals is a myth if grief is not faced, processed and worked through.  Do not rush the process. It’s so tempting to want to fast forward. Grief is a healthy sign of love for those you’ve lost. Get professional help if you find yourself stuck or are having traumatic memories.

4.    Secondary losses are real. These are losses that come with the primary loss/death. Examples: you now have loss of a companion, loss of a home, loss of marital status, loss of identity (no longer a mother, father, daughter, son, wife, husband, friend etc.) loss of friends, loss of community, loss of help with kids or parents. Loss of house/yard/computer help.  Name yours and grieve them too!

5.     Find others to talk to who have experienced death of a loved one firsthand.  Join a GriefShare group when ready. This is a safe community who gets it.

6.    Honor important holidays and anniversaries in a way that feels right to you.

7.     Allow yourself to feel the grief and pain. Be careful not to numb out, it just delays your healing and deadens other emotions. Find healthy outlets for your grief. Cry. Journal. Read from others who have lost and made it to the other side of grief.

8.    Keep living.  Make plans. Travel. Yes, it will be weird and feel strange, but do it anyway.  A change of scenery and people are therapeutic.  You will not regret this.  

9.  Remember grief changes just as the seasons do. Embrace all the seasons it brings. 

 

 To schedule an appointment with Elizabeth McKeehan,
  Please call our office at 407-647-7005.
  www.lifeworksgroup.org