15 Signs You Are Being Abused In A Relationship

By: Brian Murray LMHC, NCC

 

An abusive person is someone who has issues with power and control in a relationship. The abuse can come in many forms such as emotional, physical, sexual, and financial just to name a few. Knowing what to look for with abusive behaviors can help you build better relationships. The early warning signs can serve as red flags that the person you are involved with is not healthy. This goes beyond the occasional conflict that most couples encounter and reasonably resolve. This is about behavioral clues that indicate someone is abusive, manipulating, and possibly dangerous.

We all get angry at times, however if you are married or involved with someone who frequently manipulates to the point where you’re belittled, criticized, called names, physically harmed, and begin to feel concern for your safety and well-being that should be enough to signal it’s time to end the relationship and get out. Listed below are 15 points to help you build awareness and self-evaluation. 

 

1. They are controlling. Where you go, who you talk to, how you dress, and how you wear makeup. Some go as far as telling you to go change your clothes as it is too revealing or embarrassing to be seen with. This behavior often becomes more intense as time goes by. 

 

2. They show jealousy. They make false accusations of you flirting or talking to others as if you have malicious intent. Social media is often scrutinized. This includes ideas that your conversations with others are sexual in nature. As this intensifies over time, they will increase the amount of time they spend monitoring your activities, questioning you, and your intention about them. Listen closely to their tone. Does it feel interrogative?

 

3. Needy and Love Bombing. Early in the relationship they hit you with a strong “love bomb”. Early in the relationship they will say things like, “I’ve never met anyone like you before, you are so wonderful.” or “You make me feel so free, I feel like I can say or do anything around you.” Watch out for the “You are my soulmate” and the “I love you” that appears seemingly too early in the relationship.

 

4. They isolate you. They run interference between you and your friends and family. They are psychologically taking you prisoner so they can control you. In extreme cases you may be told that you cannot do anything, go anywhere, see, or talk to anyone without being highly questioned about it.

 

5. They project blame. They blame you or others when things don’t go the way they want them to. This is an emotional responsibility issue and they are trying to hold you, or others, responsible for how they feel. Some may call this contempt. They don’t understand the concept of personal responsibility in the context of being a mature adult.

 

6. They minimize your feelings. When you say something about how you feel they minimize, deny or blame-shift your experience. This is due to lack of empathy. They will say things like “You are overreacting.” or “Don’t be so sensitive!” after they just finished yelling or breaking objects.

 

7. Verbal and Emotional Abuse. This is a big one! Hurtful and cruel statements that are designed to degrade you. With personality disorders (PD’s), such as Narcissism, Borderline etc., this is due to a lack of maturity. Lack of maturity is common in PD’s as emotional development is not present. It may feel as though you are dealing with a middle school mentality in your partner. Abusers have a high conflict value in relationships, they’re verbally assaultive, they ridicule, they put down your family of origin, and your religious beliefs are scorned. If abused, you may feel like this is “crazy making”, where you feel confused and lost with what is happening in your life. This “crazy making” is also known as gaslighting.

 

8. They demand rigid roles. This is about demanding that certain roles get assigned based on gender or other rigid beliefs. For example, the woman is assigned as being the central homemaker. She is not asked, she is told. When she doesn’t or goes out to be her own person in the community, she is met with harsh and demanding attacks on her role to stay at home.

 

9. They use Coercive traps and threats.  They threaten to hurt you or someone you love such as children and pets if you don’t do something they tell you to do. They may have unrealistic expectations and make threats to harm if not done. For example, a child’s ability to understand and complete a task that would be demanding even for an adult. They threaten to slap the child if they don’t do it correctly. Money is also frequently used with coercion such as withholding it until something is completed the abuser’s way.

 

10. They sexually force you. They make you have sex against your will. This is rape, and yes it can happen in marriage. Anyone who physically touches you without your consent is abusive, period! Call 911 if you must. Sex is often used as a power and control move, especially when the partner does not want it. Healthy sex occurs when there is a mutual agreement between two  partners. Other examples include the abuser fulfilling sexual fantasies without prior consent of the partner such as being tied and bound, slapping or other undesired behaviors that inflict pain or harm.

 

11. They get physical during arguments. All relationships at some point involve a conflict or argument. Dangerous people take it one more step beyond the yelling match. They may grab arms, pull hair, punch, hit, slap, block your exit, hide car keys to prevent you from leaving, hold you down or choke you. If this occurs, get out of the home and call 911 or do your best to just get out of that situation. Develop a safety plan to make an escape.

 

12. They reveal a history of hurting others. People of good character don’t go around hurting people. They may disagree and even argue, but they know limits and know when to stop when things are getting too escalated. If you’re in a relationship with another person with a history of hurting others, they are not safe.

 

13. They break or throw objects. This is another form of projective anger. Have you ever seen a monkey at the zoo get angry? They jump around, scream, and throw things. This is an attempt to intimidate the other monkey’s into submission. The same thing can happen to our primitive brain, especially with someone who is emotionally immature. They yell, jump around, and throw things. This can become especially abusive if they decide to target and break something that is special to you.

 

14. They have rapid and unstable mood swings. They shift rapidly from “I love you” to “I hate you”, often with minutes, hours or within a day. This is a possible symptom of Borderline Personality Disorder. Borderlines have trouble regulating their emotions and have a deep fear of abandonment in relationships. This often gets confused with Bipolar Disorder which can be treated with medication while Borderline cannot. Either way, unstable mood swings are an indication that a person’s emotions are not being regulated. Borderlines are not bad people, they just have a difficult way of expressing their love, so it comes out as highly emotional, manipulative and controlling. 

 

15. They struggle with addictions. An addicted person needs one thing to keep their addiction going and that is a person of supply. Examples of supply would be your paycheck to get money, your home to live in, your car to get a ride (to their dealer), your food to eat and so forth. Addiction comes in two forms, behavioral such as shopping and gambling, and by substance such as alcohol and drugs. One behavioral addiction, to love, is called Codependency. When the addicted person shows love to the Codependent, the Codependent gets a “love” fix and keeps the supply going to the addict. It’s a perfect storm. It becomes a vicious cycle and both the addict and Codependent at this point requires treatment.

 

If you feel that you are in a relationship or married to an unsafe person there are options that can help you. First, know that you are not helpless, and you are not to blame. Abusive manipulators will try and make you feel this way. Do not buy the lie, it’s a trick. Get out of the relationship and know that help is available. You are not alone. Think of shelters, friends and family that will help you.

Develop a safety plan. This requires you to collect and store important documents and clothes at an alternate location such as a trusted friend until you are ready to leave. Once you have left, go “no contact” with the abuser, change your phone number and use a P.O. box for correspondence. It’s best to get these things set up before you leave so they are already in place. There are a lot of templates online for a safety plan, but DO NOT let your abuser see that you have been Googling these things. They will see the history and question you, or worse start physically trying to control you.

Don’t wait until the “next time they do it” to get out. Sometimes there is no next time, or next time leaves you disfigured. Abusive people do not have love in their hearts, they have power, control, and destruction in their hearts. If you feel that you are in danger, the time to leave is now.

 

 To schedule an appointment with Brian Murray,
Please call our office at 407-647-7005.
www.lifeworksgroup.org