Stopping the Honeymoon Phase of Narcissistic Abuse
By: Christine Hammond LMHC
Sam saw a pattern. After her narcissistic husband would explode combining verbal assaults with mental and emotional abuse, he seemed calmer for several weeks. Then, as if there was a timer set on his frustration tolerance, one minute comment could spark the abusive rage again. The rages were awful. He would call her names, twist the truth, throw things at her, exaggerate her intentions, guilt-trip her into believing this rage was her fault, and even physically block her so she couldn’t leave the room.
Unlike
other non-narcissistic abusive people, her husband would not take any
responsibility for his actions. He refused to apologize and instead made a game
out of getting her to apologize for his poor behavior. Sam accepted the guilt
just to keep the peace and it would work for about six weeks. During this time,
he was charming, pleasant, and would give her material gifts almost as if this
was the only way he could say sorry. But then the pattern would repeat.
Honeymoon abuser phase.The period of calm after
an abusive event is called the honeymoon phase. For the narcissist, the release
of emotional energy during a rant is therapeutic. Sometimes, they are even
completely unaware of what they have said. They have the ability to work
themselves into a type of angry dissociative state in which they discharge
their negativity. More often than not, the things said are about themselves and
not the person they project onto. Worse yet, because they dissociate, they don’t
remember what was said.
Once the
narcissist has removed this toxic energy, they feel great. They might act as if
they are floating on cloud nine and everything is awesome again. It is a type
of manic euphoria where life is perfect and they are the stars of the show. The
last thing the narcissist wants in this moment is to be confronted with their
previously poor and abusive behavior. Any bursting of their mania bubble can
incite an even more intensely abusive reaction.
Honeymoon victim phase. By contrast, the
person on the receiving end of a narcissistic rage, the victim, is traumatized.
Their “I’m afraid for my life,” survival instincts kick into overdrive and
causes them to become more aware of their surroundings and the words that are
being said. This hypervigilance in the middle of an abusive event is designed
to help the victim know when they need to freeze, fight, and/or flee.Within
seconds of entering this survival mode, the victim’s body is flooded with
adrenaline and others hormones designed to take the necessary next steps. The
executive functioning of the brain is diminished so the body can take action.
This is why most people have a hard time verbally responding during an attack.
The
problem is that it takes 36 to 72 hours after the last survival hormonal
release for the body to fully reset. Many victims feel like everything is foggy
as they are still in a state of shock. When the narcissist’s manic phase is
combined with the victim’s obscure phase, there is great confusion. The
narcissist, having no empathy for the victim, doesn’t understand why the victim
is acting so sour. The victim, having too many mental replays of the event,
doesn’t understand why the narcissist is acting like nothing significant
happened.
After the
victim’s hormonal balance has been restored to normal levels, things settle
down. During this calm before the storm, the victim deludes themselves into
thinking that the abusive behavior won’t return. This is often reinforced by
the narcissist’s gift giving, their elated mood, and their minimization of the
intensity of the abuse. The honeymoon phase lures the victim into a place of
acceptance and tolerance for the narcissist’s behavior. They think, “It really
wasn’t that bad,” “I can do this,” or “they didn’t mean what they said.” And so
they stay in the relationship.
Stop the honeymoon cycle.Sam realized that her
husband’s behavior was causing her psychological damage. She began to believe
some of the lies he said about her. She devalued her worth becoming a shell of
her former self. During his last abusive episode, her survival instincts did
not kick in and as a result she silently and numbly absorbed the abuse and gave
into his demands. She hated who she became. Somewhere buried deep inside of Sam
a spark of light reminded her that that the only way out of this dark place was
to get out. So she used the last ounce of strength she had and left.
But
leaving brought its own insecurities. “He really isn’t that bad,” or “Maybe I
am just a weak person,” she would ponder. At the encouragement of her
counselor, Sam made a list of the terrible things her husband said and all of
his abusive acts. The list was far longer than she realized. When she felt weak
and was tempted to return to her abusive narcissist, she would review the list
as a reminder of how he treated her. This helped to ground her.
Sam also
used the list to work through forgiving him, at her own pace, so his behavior
would no longer control her future reactions. Through time and significant
effort, Sam’s sense of identity returned and she no longer accepted the lies of
her narcissistic husband. She began to realize that no one deserves to be
treated so poorly and she no longer tolerated his rages.
Because
the honeymoon phase can be so enjoyable, many victims sadly remain in a
destructive relationship. While on paper the hour rage in comparison to a
couple of weeks of peace may seem like a reasonable trade off, the emotional
toll is far greater. Remember, it is never too late to get out.
To schedule an appointment with Christine Hammond,
Please call our office at 407-647-7005.
www.lifeworksgroup.org