Addiction: Narcissistic Style
By: Christine Hammond LMHC
Andrea
attended her first group therapy session at an inpatient female rehab facility.
She expected there to be other strung out, burnt out woman like herself who
were stressed from the conflicting demands of home and work life. But what she
didn’t expect was a perfectly put together woman who seemed to have everything
perfectly figured out.
When the
woman entered the room, everyone couldn’t help but stare. She was immaculately
and fashionably dressed, with her makeup done and every hair in place – a look
that was in direct opposition to the other group members. She strutted when she
walked, tying hard to scan the room without being noticed. She made eye contact
with one of the group members and smiled as if they had been friends their
whole life. She had an air of importance, intimidation, control, and
superiority.
Leave it
to narcissists to appear superior even in the midst of bottoming out from their
addiction. One of the hardest types of people to deal with is a narcissist in
the middle of suffering through a severe addiction. The experience can be
completely exhausting. The combined selfishness of narcissism with addictive
behavior is overpowering, relentless, callous, and frequently abusive. Often
devastating consequences can arise from the destructive blend of arrogant
thinking in which a narcissist believes that they are always right with the
idea that they do not have a problem.
There are
many parts to the addicted narcissist and their road to recovery. The point of
this article is to recognize the injurious behavior so more reasonable
expectations can be established during the rehabilitation process and for the
family.
Origins.
In both addicts and narcissists, shame is the common denominator. Stage two of
Erik Erikson’s Psychosocial Development which occurs between 18 months and
three years old has shame as the negative outcome. Not all narcissists or
addicts have trauma during these years, but it can be a good place to begin.
Because there is a strong concurrence, about 50% of narcissists are addicts of
some sort. Some studies suggest that fetal alcohol syndrome in a child is a
sign of a female narcissist.
Enablers.
There are frequently two enablers. One bolsters the ego of the narcissist and
one unknowingly encourages the addiction. The narcissistic enabler minimizes
all signs of addiction and fosters feelings of superiority over others. The
addiction enabler is likewise blind to symptoms of addiction therefore
justifying financially supporting it. Both are needed to maintain the
self-image of the narcissist.
Sometimes,
the victim of narcissistic abuse is the sole enabler. This person naively
empowers both behaviors to continue. They have been told that the addiction is
in their minds and they are the one to blame for it continuing. Saying like
these are common. “No one else sees what you are seeing, you are the crazy
one.” “If only you would do…, then I won’t have to…”
The Cycle.
The addiction cycle is comingled with the narcissistic abuse cycle. It begins
when the narcissist feels threatened. They become angry and take out their
frustration on a victim. Sensing resistance from the victim, they retreat to
their addiction. The drug of choice reinforces their idealistic fantasies,
perception of omnipotence, and extravagant schemes. However, this results in
the enablers retreating from the narcissist. Now confused, the narcissistic ego
feels threatened and the cycle repeats.
Step One.
The most difficult step is to get a narcissist to admit to their addiction.
This is the first mandatory step of all addictive recovery which is
particularly problematic for a person who believes they are above others. Not only
are they reluctant to admit there is a problem, but they refuse to allow
someone inferior to point it out. This is why confronting a narcissist about
their addiction usually results in substantial rage.
Rehab. The
only rehab a narcissist willingly attends is an elite facility. Even there,
they expect special treatment and believe the rules are for others. During
group counseling sessions, they are bored and view it as trivial. Sometimes
they become intolerant and even abusive towards staff members. Instead of
taking the time to heal, they look for loop holes in the system, complain about
inefficiencies, become single-minded about insurance/costs, and blame others
for having to be at rehab.
Recovery.
A narcissist is unwilling to wait the prescribed time period to see if the
recovery is effective. Instead, they expect immediate results and others to
comply fully with their miraculous healing in a very short time period.
Unfortunately, because the narcissist has grandiose beliefs about self, they
rarely learn during treatment thus making their prognosis poor.
Relapse.
It is not impossible for a narcissist to recover from an addiction. In fact,
when they see it as damaging to their image, they are able to eliminate the
addiction almost instantly and without emotional consequences. However, they do
return to the addictive behavior later as a way to demonstrate they ultimately
have power and control over the drug of choice.
Just
because the narcissist feeds off illusions of grandeur, doesn’t mean the family
support system needs to strengthen that belief. A family can be supportive
while having reasonable expectations for the narcissist’s prognosis. It is far
more loving to accept someone within their own limitations than to insist they
become someone they are not.
To schedule an appointment with Christine Hammond,
Please call our office at 407-647-7005.
www.lifeworksgroup.org