The Dark Side of Comparison
By: Megan Muñoz IMH
Comparison can be a sticky topic because not all comparison has an
adverse effect on us. There are lighter sides to comparison when it impacts us
positively. Sometimes comparing our story with others can motivate us to live
more fully in our own. When we read about or watch someone move into a
challenge and navigate their way through difficulties with perseverance, it can
help us find the courage to face our own fears. Comparison can also help us put
our own life in perspective. Sometimes comparison can be helpful to evaluate
our situation with more clarity and objectivity when we get stuck inside our
own thoughts, emotions and environment for too long.
But there is a darker side to comparison that keeps us stuck and
unable to move forward in our life.
The darker side of comparison is where shame lives. It sits just
out of consciousness, shrouded in the shadows, making it difficult to
recognize. When this side of comparison is actively engaged in your life, it
does not produce motivation to live more fully in your best self. Instead, it
whispers that something is wrong with you, or that you are not good enough
because your life does not look like someone else’s.
The darker side of comparison can take on a perfectionist bent. It begins painting
the world with only black and white colors. “Unless your life looks more like
this person or that circumstance,” it whispers, “you have somehow failed.” When
this happens, you lose perspective of all that is good and unique about your
own life.
The darker side of comparison causes us to freeze. When the shame that
is hiding in the shadows of comparison is activated, you are not motivated to
move into your life and towards your goals. Instead, you get frozen in place,
afraid to move or risk because you feel like that 'something' that is wrong
with you is too big and too bad to stand a chance at success. It holds you back
from risking the possibility of failure, which is essential for you to grow and
develop your gifts.
The darker side of comparison blinds you from seeing
possibilities. It keeps you from using all of your internal resources to navigate
what is right in front of you. When you are trapped in shame comparison, all
you can think about is how much you don’t know, or can’t do or how you are not
strong enough, brave enough, smart enough or good enough. It is like putting a
blindfold over the parts of you that do have what it takes to do what is in
front of you or to learn and grow into the person you want to become.
The darker side of comparison keeps you from real relationship
with those around you. If you are preoccupied with comparing yourself to others,
from the way they dress to the way they engage people and yourself, you are not
fully available to engage them genuinely. Think about what is it like to be in
the middle of a conversation with someone and to have part of your thoughts
split off in a corner, analyzing how you or the other person are or are not
engaging? When this happens, you lose the ability to be fully present in the
relationship.
The darker side of comparison is exhausting. If you could sit back
and observe all the work your brain is doing to analyze how you do or don’t
measure up, you might become aware of just how tiring it is. It is like
searching and searching for a place to sit down and rest after running
frantically all day, but being unable to find one. The reality is that this
place of rest can’t be found in the midst of comparison. Only when you slow
down enough to evaluate what you believe about yourself and how you relate to the
world around you will you be able to recognize where shame is lurking inside
your comparison.
To schedule an
appointment with Megan Muñoz,
Please call our
office at 407-647-7005.
