How Suicide Deceives
By: Christine Hammond
LMHC
Recently
a friend, Donna, experienced the trauma of losing their sister to suicide. Even
though it has been eighteen years, four months, and 17 days since my best
friend committed suicide, it still haunts me. Within seconds of hearing Donna’s
journey, I was instantly transported back in time to the days following my best
friend’s death. I tried to stay engaged with Donna and show empathy for her experience
all the while desperately desiring empathy for my own.
My best friend was beautiful inside and out with a compassionate heart too large for her physical body. As one of the smartest people I knew, she loved to engage in passionate discussions about her favorite subject: politics. She had more energy and could cram more things into one day than most could in a week. She was lovely, generous, clumsy, sarcastic, determined, enthusiastic, and feisty.
She
was also Bi-Polar Type 1. She tried to overcome it through numerous efforts of
self-medication, physician prescribed medication, counseling, and several
hospitalizations. But it did not work. The treatment would last for a period of
time and lose effectiveness. Some of this was because she would think she was
getting better and stop the medication, only to find her condition rapidly
declining. The hole, as she described it, kept getting bigger and bigger.
But
that did not end her life. Rather, it was the lies she believed which dominated
the thoughts in her head. These falsehoods devalued her contribution to life,
stole her precious energy and time, and minimized her impact on the lives
around her. As Donna spoke, these lies had an eerily familiar ring with Donna’s
sister.
Lie
1: She would only be missed for a short time. I still mourn her death. Not in
an unhealthy, “I can’t move on in my life without her” way. But in a sorrowful,
“I wish my best friend was here to see this” way. She thought she would
eventually be forgotten. However, the manner of her death, suicide, does not
allow those left behind to forget. It is a traumatic way to end a life, leaving
a lifelong scar on family and friends. Clearly my ability to easily count the
days since she died is demonstration of the reality that she will always been
missed.
Lie
2: Things would be easier for those she loved if she was gone. She was wrong.
It has been over eighteen years of hard. She believed she was an unnecessary
and inconvenient burden that others tolerated out of obligation. She was not.
It was a joy to know her and it was an honor to be her friend. Sadly her legacy
is tainted by the manner of her death instead of the positive influence she
left on the lives around her. Ironically, her absence has left a hole in the
lives of many which cannot be filled by anyone else. In truth, I would give
just about anything to have her here.
Lie
3: Her mistakes were too great to be forgiven. Just prior to her death, her
manic behavior led her to make several impulsive and uncharacteristic
decisions. She believed the best way out was to end her life. Having made many
poor choices and seen others made even worse errors in judgement than her, I
have learned that even the worst slip-ups can be overcome. Losing a life is too
great a price for any mistake.
Lie
4: Her life would have more meaning in death than in life. This is the worst of
the lies because it exalts death and demotes life. For those who don’t believe
in an after-life, life is all there is. So how is there a benefit in ending it
too soon before its time? For those who believe in an after-life, each life has
a specific purpose and design while here. How is taking it achieving any
purpose? It does not. Life can be hard, frustrating, and depressing but it can
also be joyful, fun, and exciting. Death, specifically suicide, is the end of
all possibility in life. It does not add meaning, it steals it away.
As
I shared with Donna about my journey and talked about the lies her sister and
my best friend believed, she began to feel the intensity of sorrow.
Unfortunately this sorrow is more of a haunting than a vanishing. It is the
kind that does not leave a person.
Suicide
is not the answer. Everyone who considers or talks about it needs to get some
help from a professional. If you or someone you know is struggling, please
reach out for assistance. The national suicide prevention lifeline is
800-273-8255 or www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org.
To schedule an
appointment with Christine Hammond,
Please call our office
at 407-647-7005.