10 Hidden Ways a Group Abuses an Individual
By: Christine Hammond LMHC
Some abuse
is obvious: a punch to the face, name calling, guilt-tripping, physical
isolation, and neglect. But others are done in a more calculated, secretive
manner. Yet, they can be just as damaging. Even more significant is when the
abuse is conducted within a coordinated group setting. This causes the target
to feel like it is them against the whole organization.
The
individual verses the large unit could be a variety of settings. For instance,
it could be a new employee entering into an established team, a spouse coming
into their in-law’s home, or a new believer approaching a church. Whatever the
environment, the unit is pre-established with their own set of rules and
standards. However, instead of welcoming the newcomer, they are met with
unreasonable expectations and abusive treatment designed to demonstrate that
the new person is not part of the group. Here is how it is done:
1. Indifference. It didn’t matter what Susie said, her comments
were returned with a blank stare and an instant change of the subject. Even
when she was on point, in agreement, or added a new perspective, she received
nothing in return.
2. Discounting. When
John shared how he felt hurt by a remark, he was told, “You shouldn’t feel that
way.” His emotional responses to hurtful statements were discounted, minimized,
and villainized. This was done to make his behavior look abusive.
3. Snubbing. Angie did not come from the same strict
religious background that everyone else experienced. However, she had grown in
her faith and knowledge in the last several years. Yet, whenever she would make
a spiritual comment, she was instantly snubbed with silence or the occasional
roll of the eyes.
4. Disinterest. After spending years with this same group,
James realized that the only one who never shared his story was him. As he
approached the subject, he was immediately met with disinterest. He still
persisted but as he was speaking, slowly each member got up and physically left
the group.
5. Coldness. Just walking into the room, Elizabeth could
feel the coldness towards her. She was eight months pregnant and not one person
asked how she was feeling or offered her a place to sit. Everyone else
experienced warm greetings and conversation, but she was shunned.
6. Censuring. While in the middle of talking about an experience,
Matthew was told he could speak no further. “We don’t talk about that here,”
was stated very clearly. His remarks were not inappropriate however; he was
being censured because no one else in the group had the same shared experience.
7. Exposing. Mary shared about her previous abusive
relationship confidentially with one person in the group. At the next
gathering, another person made a stabbing remark that clearly indicated her
private information had been exposed to the group without her consent or knowledge.
8. Unappreciative. In an effort to connect with the group, Tom
decided to offer his help on a project. Even though he performed the task well,
there was no show of thanks. Yet everyone else who worked on the project, even
those who did it grudgingly, received appreciation.
9. Sarcasm. Just when Hannah started to feel part of the conversation,
one person made a sarcastic remark directed at her. The expression on Hannah’s
face was one of hurt to which the person replied, “I was only joking.”
Immediately, she felt isolated from the group yet again.
10. Denigrating. Over a period of time, it became apparent that
Daniel’s reputation had been denigrated by the group. Regardless of the strides
he made, there was a constant air of not forgetting and not forgiving his
previous behavior.
It doesn’t
matter if the group does these behaviors at a conscious or subconscious level;
it is still hurtful and wrong. Eventually the individual gets the hint and
leaves the unit all together. This is precisely what the established
organization wants but it is to their detriment, as without new life, the group
literally and figuratively dies one member at a time.
To schedule an appointment with Christine Hammond,
Please call our office at 407-647-7005.
www.lifeworksgroup.org