10 Tips for Working with a Narcissist
By: Christine Hammond LMHC
The
nervousness, tension, and terror that Meryl Streep portrays as Miranda Priestly in the movie “The Devil Wears Prada” is all
too familiar for some. Sadly, many narcissists rise to the top of the food
chain with ease leaving a trail of destroyed relationships behind. When a
narcissist sets their sites on executive status, they achieve it but the cost
frequently is broken relationships.
The key to
working with a narcissist is not in pointing out the narcissism to everyone.
This can be detrimental to a career even when the narcissist fully acknowledges
and is proud of their behavior. It is ok for a narcissist to point out their
possible flaws (which really aren’t flaws to them), but it never ok for someone
else to embarrass them.
Rather the key to
survival when working with a narcissist lies in knowing yourself. Be aware of personal
and professional strengths which are seen as potential competition for the
narcissist. Equally be sensitive to any weaknesses which are seen as potential
vulnerability that can be used in an attack later by the narcissist. Here are
ten other tips to remember.
1.
Stay
cool. Regardless of the verbal threats, intimidation,
gaslighting, twisting of the truth, or guilt tripping, stay calm. Think of this
as an exercise in self-control. It is much easier to respond strategically if
emotions are tempered.
2.
Ignore
aggressiveness. A common tactic of control is using aggressive body
language because it makes a statement without saying anything. Examples include
leaning forward, looking down on a person, physically blocking an exit, or
puffing up the chest. Don’t call attention to it as that only reassures them
that it is effective.
3.
Pause
before responding. Take some time before responding to any
demands. Even a short pause is effective. It is better to be seen as slow than
making a quick forced decision. Narcissists like to use the need for immediate
action (or a crisis) to bully others to their side.
4.
Talk
quieter. The former United States President ‘Teddy’ Roosevelt’s
foreign policy advice of “speak softly, and carry a big stick” is perfect for
dealing with a narcissist. “Carry a big stick” should be taken figuratively
however, not literally. The stick is for protection against an attack. Every
narcissist has an area of insecurity which can be used for embarrassment when
the narcissist takes things too far.
5.
Watch for
rollercoaster. Narcissists have a way of naturally doing a
push away/pull in tactic. Their idealization of a person is quickly followed by
devaluation, sometimes within the same sentence. Don’t get on their
rollercoaster. Instead refuse to agree with either in order to remain neutral.
6.
Check
body language. Some people have natural tell-tale signs of
anxiety such as pulling on hair, picking the skin, turning red in the neck, or
fidgeting. Narcissists have a keen sense for these signs and frequently use
these exact moments to strike harder. Remember, they lack empathy so instead of
restrain when someone is obviously nervous, they attack.
7.
Try to
bond. Challenging a narcissist is the quickest way to instigate
an immediate attack. Since they hate to be embarrassed, they are hypersensitive
to anything that might make them look bad. Instead, try coming alongside them
as a partner, this is received better.
8.
Set
boundaries. Generally speaking, narcissists don’t respect
boundaries initially. But when the boundary is consistent and enforced, they
will eventually concede. So even if there is resistance in the beginning, stay
firm over a period of time and things will get better.
9.
Speak
clearly. Trying to communicate with a narcissist can be frustrating
because the conversation always seems to be redirected by them. Since there is
a short period of time to communicate, speak clearly and directly about what is
needed. Any expectations or goals should be addressed as concisely as possible.
10. Have an exit plan. If at
any time there is an unsafe feeling when speaking with a narcissist, reach out
to someone outside of the department. Talking to co-workers in the same unit
will be interpreted by the narcissist as disloyal behavior.
Use
these ten strategies to handle work situations in the future so the narcissist
doesn’t gain the advantage.
To schedule an
appointment with Christine Hammond, please call our office at 407-647-7005.
