10 Warning Signs a Relationship Is Going Sour
By:
Christine Hammond LMHC
Hindsight is 20/20 vision when it comes
to the fall of a relationship. What was once overlooked, minimized, explained
away, or discounted now becomes an obvious sign of a deteriorating
relationship. At first they seemed so charming, helpful, generous, innocent,
and gentle but then things turned and an entirely different picture became
apparent. Charming converted into controlling, helpful developed into
obstructive, generous transformed into manipulative, innocent turned into
culpable, and gentle grew into turbulent.
The nature of the relationship is
irrelevant, it can happen at work, home, or with friends. But what is relevant
is learning the warning signs early on to prevent another loss of employment or
heartbreak. The following are ten signs a relationship is going sour. To simplify the explanation, Person A is the
one displaying the warning signs whereas Person B is unaware of the potential
harm.
1. Transfers
risk. Person A asks
Person B to assume their risk over a potentially sticky matter. This could be an
ethical issue (violation of work standards or stealing), financial (becoming a
guarantor or payment of a loan), or value challenging (get their drugs from a
dealer). When Person B is resistant, there is a backlash of manipulative
counterattacks designed to force Person B to submit to the request.
2. Constant
victimization. Person A
tells stories of past relationships where they are painted as the victim and
others as described as the villain. There seems to be a constant influx of
terrible people who have wronged Person A. This is a forecast of what will
happen to Person B in the future if they end the relationship.
3. Inappropriate
anger. Anger is a base
emotion and a catch all for other more intense feelings such as loneliness,
fear, guilt, or controlling tendencies. It can come out in inappropriate ways
such as aggression (bullying), suppression (silent treatment) or passive
aggressive (biting sarcasm). Person A’s outbursts are intense and inappropriate
expressions of anger designed to force Person B into submission.
4. Abusive
tactics. Several abusive
methods surface such as twisting the truth, gaslighting, verbal assaults, physical
aggression, or guilt tripping. These are all unhealthy indicators of Person A who
is likely to escalate given the right time, motivation, and environment. Any
indicator of abuse is a bad sign.
5. Gossip
talk. Person A shares
secrets with Person B about other people where there is a clear breach in
confidentiality. Unfortunately, how Person A speaks about other is likely how they
will speak about Person B in the future if not already now.
6. One-way
communication. Person B
does most of the work maintaining the relationship. Person A does not reach out
as often as Person B does. Conversations seem to be weighted in Person A’s direction.
Person A wants help with their stuff but isn’t present for Person B.
7. No
responsibility. When
there is a problem, Person A refuses to admit wrongdoing and instead blames things
on others. There is a lack of empathy for causing harm to Person B or others
and a disregard for apologies in general.
8. Controlling
tendencies. Person A
tells Person B what to do and how to do it. Then, Person A becomes angry when
things aren’t done the way it is instructed. There is little to no
understanding for differences in temperament, personality or circumstances.
9. Absolute
agreement. There is no
allowance for differing opinions for Person A. Person B must agree with Person
A 100% on sensitive topics such as religion or politics in order to maintain
friendship. Any deviation is seen as a personal betrayal.
10. Dichotomous
expressions. There are
only two options Person A gives to Person B where both selections tend to be
exaggerated extremes. The choices are presented in black or white versions.
There is a right way (usually Person A’s) and a wrong way (usually other
people’s choices).
If all of these ten examples are present
in a relationship, it is time to leave. This is potentially an unsafe
environment where Person B is likely to get burned. However, if there are only
a couple of items, be mindful of the others so an early exit is possible before
things worsen.
To schedule an
appointment with Christine Hammond, please call our office at 407-647-7005.