What Narcissists and People Pleasers Have in Common
By: Christine Hammond, LMHC
Narcissists and
people pleasers seem to be drawn towards each other. While opposites do
attract, there are some similarities that keep the connection powerful.
Priorities. Narcissists think of themselves first
and very little of others; people pleasers think of others and very little of
themselves. Both however believe that their way of prioritizing is right. It is
not. The neglect of others (narcissism) is selfish and causes unnecessary distance,
confrontation and lack of intimacy. The neglect of self (people pleasing)
creates unwanted exhaustion, increased anxiety and also contributes to a lack
of intimacy. Without a balance of self and others, a person cannot be fully
intimate.
Rescuing. Narcissists and people pleasers love to
rescue others however, they do it for very different reasons. Narcissists gain a
sense of superiority from saving others because they were able to solve
something the other person could not do on their own. In exchange for the help,
narcissists demand unending loyalty. People pleasers gain a natural high from
the same act as they love to feel needed. This strokes their ego and impression
of self as a selfless person. In exchange, people pleasers expect friendship.
Admiration. This is the key to both personalities:
the need to be admired by others. Narcissists believe they should be adored
because of their expertise, superiority, beauty, intelligence, or
accomplishments. It does not matter if they have achieved anything special,
narcissists believe they are above others and deserve constant admiration. The
term people pleasers defines the essential need for satisfying others and
seeking their approval. Without admiration, people pleasers and narcissists become starved usually resulting in an
emotional explosion.
Affection. Affection is not intimacy. Sex is not
intimacy. Affection is not sex. However, narcissists and people pleasers are
unable to make these distinctions. They see all three as the same thing. Affection
is showing tenderness, kindness, and gentleness towards another person. Sex is
a physical act which is designed to bring pleasure to both parties. Intimacy is
a deep connection between two people where they are equally transparent with
one another. Narcissists and people pleasers crave affection but are frequently
willing to settle for sex. Often the sex is one way: narcissists seek to
satisfy themselves and aren’t concerned with pleasing others. People pleasers
want to satisfy the other person and sacrifice themselves. Neither are
comfortable being transparent with another person.
Control. Both parties have control issues. Narcissists
control through demands, manipulation, and abuse. They are often very
aggressive about insisting on their own way and expecting others to fall in
line because they said so. Controlling others feeds their self righteous ego. Because
people pleasers cannot be seen as aggressive or assertive, they often use
others ways to control such as guilt trips, excessive kindness or passive-aggressive
behavior. They are masters at concealing the need to control through niceness.
But they must control others as well to feed the desire to be liked by
everyone.
Unforgiveness. Narcissists won’t ask for forgiveness
instead they expect others to make excuses for their poor behavior. They also
don’t grant forgiveness to others, even for the same offense, and instead tend to be very vindictive. People pleasers grant forgiveness without
being asked and ask for forgiveness even when it is not their fault. However,
they are unwilling to forgive themselves for similar offenses. This unequal
scale for both the narcissist and people pleaser stem from a belief that they
are different then everyone else. The narcissist believes they are better and
the people pleaser believes they not worthy.
Understanding
the similarities between narcissism and people pleasing helps to comprehend the
strong and powerful attraction. In each of the mentioned areas, they feed off
each other in unhealthy ways and reinforce the dysfunction.
To schedule an appointment with Christine Hammond, please call our office at 407-647-7005.