The 7 Steps of Accepting Responsibility for Wrongdoing
By: Christine Hammond, LMHC
Everyone does something wrong. It could be gossiping about a
friend, belittling a spouse, inappropriate punishment of a kid, lying to a
neighbor, or stealing from work. Regardless of the offense, there are steps
that a person must take to demonstrate they have accepted responsibility for
their wrongdoing.
1.
Acknowledge
Internally. The first step a person takes is to admit what
they did was wrong internally. This is the most critical step because it is not
about what others see rather it is a condition of the heart. The person must
recognize that their behavior was wrong or hurtful to another person and then
choose to amend. Many people fake this first step in order to look good in
front of others but without it, no real positive change can occur.
2.
Confess
to Another. This step can be embarrassing and is often
skipped for that reason. When a person has done wrong to a victim, confessing
their behavior to another person allows there to be a level of accountability.
This other person could be a close friend, mentor, counselor, or spouse. Doing
it before confronting the victim, allows the offender a greater understanding
of the severity of the transgression.
3.
Admit
to Victim. There are two good ways to confess wrongdoing to a victim:
writing a letter/email or verbally declaring. Making general statements like,
“I’m sorry for all the hurt I caused you,” however is not sufficient. This is a
way to dodge responsibility because there is nothing specific to hold the
person accountable. Rather the statement should be, “I’m sorry for verbally
assaulting you by calling you a name.”
4.
Declare
Understanding. During the confession, it is important to state
how the offense hurt the victim. For instance, “You looked sad when I called
you that name,” accepts responsibility for a hurtful emotional response.
Refusing to state that a painful remark caused unnecessary sadness opens the
door for the wrongdoing to be blamed on someone or something else. This step
demonstrates a level of empathy for the victim that is essential to repairing
the relationship.
5.
Erect a
Boundary. “If I do this again, I understand that you will…”
demonstrates a grasp of the potential future consequences for any further
wrongdoing. It is also a way of showing awareness for the severity of the
offense. However, some people use this step as a way to control the outcome.
Just because an offender states a natural consequence does not mean the victim
has to accept it as offered.
6.
Give
Time. After any offense/confession, the victim needs adequate
time to believe the change is real. The offender has lost the right to state
how long that time frame needs to be, rather it is the victim that now has that
control. Real change, like new habits, takes time to absorb into a person.
Usually, several incidents of anger, anxiety, depression or fear need to occur
to see if the change is permanent.
7.
Be
Accountable. Both the victim and the person from step two
have the right to question the offender to see if they are following through. A
willingness to be accountable to other people for actions and behavior
demonstrates maturity and responsibility. A break in this step indicates a
person who has not truly changed.
Note that in all of the steps, nothing is required of the
victim. It is not the responsibility of the victim to do anything after having
been offended. They can choose to forgive or not as they see fit. Instead, all
of the steps focus on the actions/behavior/attitude of the offender.
To schedule an appointment with Christine Hammond, please call our office at 407-647-7005.
www.lifeworksgroup.org.